General chit chat for February

My very best to your mom MyGirl.

Talking about talking birds, my friend inherited a parrot owned by a group of men. Parrot would not shut up. Once it said sex wasn't against her volition, it was against the china closet and you should have heard the dishes rattle. True story.

WHO'S GOING TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH
TO TELL GEORGE ??

Tight Underwear

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed for a while. But later when he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need -
a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...
size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve
& 16-1/2 neck."
Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,
"Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop in his new shoes
the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since
I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against
the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Well… if you think we need to tell George, I’ll volunteer. But… I cannot promise to relay the information because once I see him… I’ll be more interested in a lot of other issues to discuss than his underwear size! So… my apologizes… ahead of time!

CRS

Oh no need to apologise...just spill the details of the
other issues gal....

We're waiting....

LOL!!!!

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get aresponse.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see whathappens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For Gods sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Lmao at the jokes.

Joann, that avatar is something else. I need a cold shower.

MyGirlKylie wrote:Lmao at the jokes.

Joann, that avatar is something else. I need a cold shower.

Yes It's Good isn't it ????

Calm Down Dear You'll see him on Sunday

Just thought I'd mention this online protection that I use. I downloaded it free from my online Bank and use it on all sensitive web sites now. There are tutorials available in the Learning Centre, on youtube, for all types of PC formats, including Mac.
A list of Banks using it is at the bottom of the home page,
for reassurance.
And no...I'm not "selling" it....I just like to share good things !

http://www.trusteer.com/

who will be able to see him
for real
on Sunday???

After all the news, pictures and videos over the last few months
has anyone thought about how quiet it will be for a
while after Sunday ??

Shall we all have to take up a new hobby do you think ?

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for.

The bartender replies, "Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar."

The man asks, "What are the tasks?"

"First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and
knock him out with one hit.

Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to
pull its blunt tooth out.

Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play." said the bartender.

"Damn." says the man.

Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, "I'm in."

He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.

The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back.

All you hear is the dog howling.

Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks,

"Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth."

That's terrible, Joanna! Where do you find these off the wall jokes?

LOL That is funny, poor puppy! Love the deaf joke too I could see my dad doing that. He had what my mum called selective deafness! He only what he wanted to hear....a lot of men have that!

Dex, ALL men have selective hearing. It starts when they're about two yrs. old and never gets better!

I've got no adverts on my screen any longer.
Have a look at this software ?

http://download.cnet.com/Super-Ad-Blocker/3000-7786_4-10295147.html

HI!!!

I have a question to the American shoe sizes. There is someoneof USA? I need to clarify a doubt pleasee

What's the question, Hathaross?

Dexterdidit wrote:LOL That is funny, poor puppy! Love the deaf joke too I could see my dad doing that. He had what my mum called selective deafness! He only what he wanted to hear....a lot of men have that!

LOL Dexter - "selective deafness" is a lot like "selective hearing" and it applies to old men and teenagers. To some teenagers you can almost whisper to the person next to you and they'll hear you, but try calling them at the bottom of the stairs when they're upstairs and they don't hear you. LOL

I want to order a shoes there, because I dont find in Spain them so....

I want to order european 40 size (in centimetres is 25) and I don´t know which would be equivalent to the American, size 8 or 7.

There are a lot of size tables on internet and all of them are differents.
Adidas size table says the equivalent is 8 to female and 7 male but in a normal web, I dont know which of the two should check.

This is the web (and shoes ):
LINK

Thanks cinderella

Cindigirl, selective hearing applies to all males, IMHO! Use to trick my son and instead of calling his name I would whistle, after a while he would pretend he couldn't hear the whistle. I always knew he was experiencing a case of selective hearing, cause I would see him flinch, at the sound of a whistle!

Haha lucy, teenagers are fun aren't they?

hathaross, according to chart I foud, Women's 40 = 9; Men's - 7

Here is Website http://www.i18nguy.com/l10n/shoes.html#adult

Hope that helps.

THANKS!!!

Acording to that table and centimetres... 8.5 or 9.. Hope shoes website answer to me to clear my doubt. I dont want to order them and having to return them after all this way.

Thanks again.

How to tell when a teenager is lying, their lips are moving.

lucy wrote:How to tell when a teenager is lying, their lips are moving.

In my sometimes nutsy family it's called "exaggerating." Still trying to figure out what that means, but it seems to work for them.

Or.... "Being Economical with the Truth"

One evening, a man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Six shots? What's wrong?"

"I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of whiskey. "What now?" asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of whiskey.
"Gee, buddy, does ANYBODY in your family like women?"
asked the bartender.

To which the man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

One evening, an infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender thought that the man looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

"I'm scared out of my mind," the infamous stud replied.
"Some ticked-off husband wrote to me, and said that he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife."

"So stop," the barkeep said.

"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill.

"That rotten b*****d didn't sign his name!"

great those last 2
Jo
LOL!

Here's a question for you all: when you dream, do you dream of places you've never been to in real life?

I've just woken up from a weird dream where at one point I went to a bus station somewhere in England (I needed to catch a coach to London).

I've no idea where this bus station is in real life, in fact, no idea if it even exists outside of my dreams but here's the funny thing: this is not the first time I've dreamt about going to this bus station.

There are lots of these places that I've visited over the years in my dreams but I've never been to in real life because they may not even exist.

Does anyone else do that?

Katiedot wrote:Here's a question for you all: when you dream, do you dream of places you've never been to in real life?

I've just woken up from a weird dream where at one point I went to a bus station somewhere in England (I needed to catch a coach to London).

I've no idea where this bus station is in real life, in fact, no idea if it even exists outside of my dreams but here's the funny thing: this is not the first time I've dreamt about going to this bus station.

There are lots of these places that I've visited over the years in my dreams but I've never been to in real life because they may not even exist.

Does anyone else do that?

Sharing something with you Katie, from a little bit that I understand here goes...

Sometimes, a "dream" can be a "vision"... as in, an indicative subliminal message... could be asking you to do something about some area of your life, almost like a "next step flag"... Or could be a summation of where you've reached for you take a call... In these cases, you may or may not be familiar with what you see...

A bus or a train in a dream, could be indicative of your life's journey, not necessarily in the physical... but could be more on an emotional / spiritual / mental / philosophical level... IF you were carrying any "luggage" then it would mean somethings of your past (bagage) that you could still be holding on to... even as you go onto the next level...

The place you see... it's nature, the way it looks... the people, structures, the aura, also matters... as that will indicate to you a few things directly with the subject... As an Eg:... IF you wish to relate your Bus Journey in England to an "emotional experience" that you encountered in recent months... then reaching a Bus Station would indicate that you've reached a maturity level or a level of understanding well enough to take you to the next level... could be about reaching forgiveness into it's deeper core area... could be finding a higher level of peace (detachment), could be love in it's changed avatar... anything... IF the place in England that you saw, was all bright and beautiful and clean and pleasant... people happy and smiling... then your stage of understanding is clear, is not entwined with bitterness... is calming... etc...

So YAY Katie!!! Look forward to a new phase in your life, (does not have to be a bhim bham bhush kind of BIGness or drastic twist/turn to it... could be a critical quiet movement in your life's journey though)... or your "next step" in something that you've been waiting to take... all the best to you any which way

Now I hope that was meaningful... helpful in some way...

Happy Birthday Alriv!!! May you be blessed with many more in the years to come... each abundant with awesome blessings and rich amazing grace... Love...

Katie, places in my dreams never look like they do/did when awake. The older I get in life, the younger I'am in my dreams. When I dream and my adult children are in them it has gotten very confusing for me, cause in the dream I'am always 30-35 years old, sometimes I will ask myself in the dream aren't these my kids, these kids are too old to be mine!

Last dream I had a zombie ate Dexter and boy was I mad....not sure where I was though.

Hope your Bus Station experience was a pleasant one Katie ?
Seems like a "journey" dream to me. Maybe you want to escape from the parrot ??

Oh Dexter, how horrid about your dog.

When I was much younger I used to have very vivid prophetic dreams and some even caused me to take serious life changing actions.
In the latter years I used to have a reoccurring dream of being at the same place, a little town near the sea.
I knew where to go, what was around each corner and the sea views were always sunny and golden. I was always living in the same place, a large apartment, sometimes I was there on my own with my husband and sometimes there were lots of other people in there too, who shouldn't have been in there.
Once we could only get into the apartment by crawling on our hands and knees through a small tunnel, even though the apartment is really spacious inside.
I haven't "been there" lately but would like to as it's always a pleasant experience !
Dreams are so fascinating aren't they ?

sadly can't remember my dreams... only a few

but I agree with Pari idea: a trip
to a new world

prophetic Jo?
so I guess we can say you are lucky, having them

or not?

it's fashinating, absolutely!

anyway I had
many times
some nightmare
about small tunnels
of that I remember very well!

Many many years ago when I was young and naive I had a reoccurring dream of needing to find a lavatory, but never being able find a private one. Either there was no door or there were windows opening onto busy areas where there were people walking by or many people actually in the room where the loo was !
It's gone now and I never did work out what that was all about

some bad experience you had
in real life
maybe when toddler
and then forgot?

I have the same dream, Joanna: I have to go to the loo and I'm running around in my dream and can't find anywhere suitable.

It's definitely a prophesy dream and it means I need to wake up and go to the loo before I pee in the bed!

I'm fortunate as I NEVER have to get up in the night
So far so good anyway !

Maybe we need a Dream Thread where we can report our dreams
as and when they occur ? Could be fun.

surely
start one !

Just started a Dream Thread....see you there ?

right now!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled
"The Meaning of Dreams."

LOOOOOL!!

I need to whine to somebody. I can't get rid of this damn sinus infection. I'm going around coughing, sneezing, gasping, along with a red nose and just to perfect the whole thing, a cold sore.

I know what people think about cold sores but I didn't even have fun getting it.