General chit chat for February

Patty, I love your jokes - they made me laugh.

A little humor to put a smile on your face. Here's a few more.

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon on is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

the cardiologist’s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

The question is how many dependents do you have?


The IRS sent my Tax Return back! AGAIN!!!

I guess it was because of my response to the question :

"List all dependents?" I replied :



"12 million illegal immigrants ;

"3 million crack heads ;

"42 million unemployable people on food stamps ,

"2 million people in over 243 prisons ;

"Half of Mexico ; and

"535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.";


Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.


WHO DID I MISS?

Thanks for the Monday Funnies Ladies

ED wake up
Sergio

Here's a funny weatherman video. Watch for bodily function oops.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/07/weatherman-fails-video_n_1258412.html

oopps!!!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Happy pancake day to everyone in the UK!!

I can't believe I missed pancake day.....Thanks for the funnies.

I'll eat an extra one for you and Dexter...Dexterdidit...

Dexter actually loves pancakes so better make it a big one (as in Dexter the dog not me in the third person)

Katiedot wrote:Happy pancake day to everyone in the UK!!

when? today?
yesterday?

oh my, want to know!!!!

well, who cares
I'm going to do some
anyway

Shrove Tuesday it's called

Happy Shrove Tuesday or Pancake Day! When I was young my Mom always made pancakes on the day before Ash Wednesday....she would tell me it was because when she was young they couldn't eat eggs during Lent and would need to use them up before fasting. Then at night we would celebrate Carnivale~ sauce with meatballs (or as she called it "gravy") and we would eat cavetelli (a type of pasta we only ate on this day). She would also make pig skin in the sauce, which only my Dad would eat (later my brother did too). My Mom would make a special cake and say how in New Orleans they made King Cake and put a toy baby in it....we didn't do that. I miss those days. Shrove Tuesday and Ash Wednesday coincide with the 2 year anniversary of my Mom's death....sometimes I miss her so much it hurts. I can't tell my family because they keep telling me I need to move on....but sometimes it's hard...thanks for letting me indulge in my memories....

As my Mom would say "Have a good Lent!"...

some bigbigbig hugs for you!!!

Talk about a SENIOR moment!

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Dianne, has
scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Dianne's voice, "Ken," she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Dianne retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!"

OHMY! LOL!

Here's a testimonial to Mr. George Clooney:

Why some men have a dog and no wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

OK, now we know why George doesn't want to get married again. LOL

Oh our George will have such fun when
he goes to Ireland !


A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin,Ireland .

She raised her right arm,revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady another drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady
a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied,
"Any woman who can lift her leg that high
has got to be a ballerina!"

Three Green ticks from me....
for silly girl, pattygirl and cindigirl. "Girls Rule OK ?"

The EU...don't you just love it ?


Pythagoras's theorem - 24 words.

The Lord's Prayer - 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.

The 10 Commandments - 179 words.

The Gettysburg address - 286 words.

The US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.

The US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.

AND THEN

EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words..........

Just got home Joanna and read your Ireland joke. ROFL and OMG.

thanks Joanna and It's Me....you make me feel better...

you are welcome SillyG
prego!

and thanks to all who give us such

LOL Couldn't see where the ballerina joke was going very funny and of course I love the dog joke.....so true too.

the ballerina joke was crazy!!!!!!!

Hey, next time give the warning to NOT take a drink of coffee before reading jokes!!!!!!! It's hard to wring out a hard plastic keyboard that's full of spit out coffee!!!!!! I won't even tell you what my chair looks like!!!!!!!!

Wisconsin Fire Insurance


A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin, from Arizona.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona
was $2,000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*'

You're all welcome.
melbert...don't drink coffee when reading jokes !
OK...I've done what you asked.
Better late than never

LOL @ all the jokes.

Hello ladies, I've missed you. Had a lot going on and just now getting over the stomach bug from a few days ago. My mom went back to work and starts her chemo treatments in a few weeks. overall the outlook is good, just going to be a rough few months to get to the end result, ya know. Anyways, I need to catch up and try to visit more often.

Mel, from now on you are forbidden to imbibe in any liquids during your perusal of the monthly Chit Chat thread. If you don't follow this instruction, eventually your keyboard and screen are going to go into full rebellion, and even refuse to function. This is an executive order.

Glad to have you back, MGK. Glad your Mom is doing so well. Think about her and you often. Sorry you were laid up, hope you're better now. Here from you soon, I hope.

ROFL patty - and MyGirl nice to see you back even if briefly. Sorry to hear about your stomach bug.

I went to a party last weekend and I caught a wicked sinus infection, along with a very RED nose. That's it, no more socializing for me. Right now my tissue is my best friend. LOL

Welcome back MGK. Happy to see you here again.

thanks girls.

I guess the good news about a stomach bug is I lost 6lbs in 2 days. LOL

oh, we went up to Louisville, Ky this weekend for a little road trip, we should've stopped by Augusta to see Nick & Nina.

Oops - CRS at work again:

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.
Walk with me by the water - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Shit...I forgot the words....

Funny video to describe my day and anyone else who is having a bad day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaEAinJMwHI

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?

LOOOOOL

@MyGirlKylie So nice that your Mother is working again. Keep us informed about her chemo. I’ll keep her in my prayers. Glad you’re over the tummy bug! Those things are nasty!

@CindiGirl concerning the red nose, do you use the lotion tissues? I wonder if that helps. Thanks for the laugh about the wife… too funny!

And thanks to everyone else that gave some laughs. It took me a while to get through it all, laughing. I think I got some of Melbert’s spittle on my screen!

great MyGirlKylie!!!!! good luck!!!!

Glad to see you around again MGK. Hope your mum does ok. Loved the wife joke made me laugh out loud now I have dog sitting there staring at me like what are doing?

Oh god, our office parrot can imitate a crying baby. No idea where he got that from (his previous family, we guess) but it's incredibly annoying.

I think that would drive me crazy Katie.....

Welcome back MGK...glad your Mom is doing better....

a crying baby?
it would hit my maternal instinct...
strange
no?

Funny joke - it took me a full minute to "get" the punchline but then I couldn't stop laughing.

Older Love Making

Lottie and Tom, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Tom asked Lottie out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Lottie soon joined Tom for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Tom was thinking:
'If I'd known she was a virgin,
I'd have been gentler.'

Lottie was thinking:
'If I'd known he could still do it,
I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'

baby
would really like to be able to do that

AT 91!!!!

at that age I guess it would be all
good memories!!

Katiedot wrote:Oh god, our office parrot can imitate a crying baby. No idea where he got that from (his previous family, we guess) but it's incredibly annoying.

I bet that is annoying, you poor thing. Ugggh. An ex-coworker had an African gray and it learned some not so nice words from her hubby. They had a get together at her house for some church friends and it called the preacher a Prick, he was like "What did that bird say?" She laughed it off and said "Oh he's asking for Rick, my father in law." LMAO, good save.

Funny about my mom: We were looking at head scarves and wigs since her hair will more than likely come out. I suggested that we get a brown Sharpie pen so I could draw her on some eyebrows. I don't why she didn't think it was as funny as I did.

LMAO @ the pantyhose, Cindigirl.