General chit chat for February

I do like this SO much

Katie,

Welcome back...your vacation sounds wonderful...I am so glad you had a fantastic time....

You never know what going to happen when you shop at Wal-Mart.

NAKED MAN STRIP DOWN BEFORE SHOPPING TO STEAL SOCKS
EXTON, Pa. -- A hefty southeastern Pennsylvania man is behind bars after police say he walked naked into a Walmart and stole a pair of socks.

Thirty-two-year-old Verdon Lamont Taylor was arrested Wednesday night after police say he stripped off his clothes in the parking lot of the Exton store and went inside.

Police say surveillance footage shows the 6-foot-4, 300-pound Downingtown man walking around the store. Authorities say they used a stun gun to subdue him after he refused to comply with officers' orders.

Guess he wanted to make sure the socks fit. LOL

Or he wanted to get in that online website about Walmart people... I can't remember what that site is called... My CRS is back.

Maybe he didn't need the socks for his feet?

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golfballs and sat down next to a beautiful
(you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity
any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

LOL That is funny, gotta love a blonde joke and yes I am blonde! The naked man clearly didn't want cold feet, maybe he was planning on buying the rest of outfit to go with the socks. Oh, I get what Katie meant isn't that an actors trick? He would only need one but then he would have a spare.

"Naked man strips down before shopping"

Katiedot wrote:Maybe he didn't need the socks for his feet?

Oh Katie, I never thought about that. EUGH.

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People -What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

Let's face it ladies, it IS a man's world.

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,

But I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school!!!

It’s National Girlfriend and Sister's Week

I am only as strong as the coffee I drink, the hairspray I use, and the friends I have.
To the cool women who have touched my life. Here's to you!

National Girlfriends Day

If you get this twice , you know you have more than one girlfriend.
Be Happy!

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don 't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don 't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Send this to all the bright women you know and make their day!!!!!

Love ya!

ROFL - yes, yes pattygirl, our benefits do outweigh the male gender.

WOMEN RULE!

What Starts with F and ends with K


A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry,
what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him
some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a
question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man
steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,
I got the last
seven questions wrong...'

you guys are cracking me up with these jokes!!!

Wow that Harry sure is smart. LOL Love the woman joke too. Nice to wake up with a laugh.

thans!! LOL

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAILS CONCERNING MY DOG...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled
six illegal immigrants,
two rappers, nine teenagers with pants
hanging down past their cracks,
eight customer service people speaking in broken English, three flag burners.....

FOR THE LAST TIME
The dog is NOT for sale !!!!!!!!

Cheers

Arrgghhh! Just let me rant for a second here, folks.

My boss has called me into the office (on a Sunday afternoon - my one and only precious day off) to draft a media holding statement because a court ruling went against us today and we're expecting a lot of negative coverage.

Well, that's my job so of course I came in, read through the impenetrable emails from our lawyers and wrote something short and sweet (along the lines of 'the judge sucks and we're appealing this case in a higher court, nya nya neh neh nyaaaa').

Because it's a legal issue, I also have to alert our head office in the UK and also our lawyers. Ever got a lawyer out of bed on a Sunday morning? If not, I can tell you they're not happy bunnies going through lost court cases over their rice crispies.

My boss, who's still at home of course (heaven forbid he make an effort to work on a weekend) just sends me a message back saying he thinks we should say more in our statement.

I ask him what more he thinks should be said and he says he doesn't know. He tells me we'll deal with it tomorrow because he doesn't want to think about it now!!!!!!!

I should have just stayed on the bloody beach and ignored his text messages. BTW, who texts someone to tell them to call them urgently? Apart from my boss, of course. Anyone else would just call!

Anyway, hope everyone else is enjoying their Sunday, bloody Sunday.

Next time, bring some sand into the office with you and put it in his coffee! That was just rude of him. But, on the other hand, he knows that you're capable of doing the job, except then saying it's not enough. Yeah, I think the sand in the coffee would be a nice touch.

OR.... a laxative !

Tough luck Katie....switch off your phone
at weekends in future ????

A hot PA came angrily out of her boss's cabin.
Her colleague asked: What Happened? You went inside
in a happy mood.
She replied: "He asked me are you free tonight?
I said absolutely free.
That bastard gave me 45 pages to type!"

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert.
"It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast.
Now I do it in seven."

**************************************************

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend
home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

**************************************************

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
“Well, how’d I do?”

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

This information is for Catholics only. It must not to be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off everyone is.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. He, of course, is known as "The Chip Monk."

This information is for Catholics only. It must not to be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and top secret code words, the better off everyone is.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. He, of course, is known as "The Chip Monk."

Good ones pattygirl...."Chip Monk"....

Heard this one this morning from Joel Osteen...

A preacher gets on a plane and ends up sitting next to a very beautiful woman.

As they strike up a conversation he asks her, "What type of man do you like?"

The woman says, "Well, I like native American men because they have such lovely skin and high cheekbones." "And I like Jewish men because they are so smart and efficient in business." "And I also like Southern men because they can be so polite and speak in such a lovely slow drawl."

And the preacher says, "Well, let me formally introduce myself, my name is Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Biology Class-Final Exam Question...

That last one is just priceless. I am glad he got an A.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term
exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk',
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages. He wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just
before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Thanks for all the laffs ladies....

Please don't be offended anyone.
I just got this from a mate and it made me laff.


The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of
your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom
the other night.
Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!'

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I reckon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room.

Was trying to get on COH - Internet said the domain has expired. Needs to be renewed. Hope it's just my computer.

mine did too! freaked me out!!!!!

me2

Don't freak! I forgot to renew the .com site although that should be back up today or tomorrow.

In the meantime you can still use www.clooneysopenhouse.forumotion.com

Katiedot

Thanks Boss!!!

I just got back from a wonderful day. Finally got to see "Jersey Boys" on Broadway. It was really fantastic and I'd recommend it to any and all who haven't seen it. The National Co. plays all over the US, and I know there's a UK version (George supposedly went to see it last week). I'm really not a rock 'n roll fan, but the show was wonderful and the actors were spectacular. Went with 2 of my daughters, one son-in-law, and 4 of my grandchildren. Other grandson met us after the show. Went to dinner with all of them plus my other grandson who is performing in the show. He plays Bob Crewe, the producer and several other parts, too. He was like the energizer bunny, all over the stage. He was great. Courter had been in the National Company for several years and was understudy for Frankie Valli. He finally decided to "stay put" in one place and decided NY was the place. He finally made it to Broadway.
Don't know if you remember but back in October when we had that freak snowstorm, we were supposed to go up to Hartford, CT and see Courter in his last National Company performance - he was to play Frankie Valli for that performance and it got snowed out. Bummer, but we got to see him today. So happy and proud of him.
Dinner was good too, but seeing him on stage was the best. They are so good in the play that they received a standing ovation, gave me chills. Just wanted to tell someone.

That's wonderful Patty....I am so excited for you. It is supposed to be a great show....glad you told us....

Congrats PattyGirl!! I'm so glad you shared with us.

LOL Lot's of funny jokes. I had a bit of a panic when I got that message too thanks for fixing it Katie! Did we ever find out anything about what happened with Kimber?

Yep, looks like the site is back up and running. Somebody please remind me next year on my birthday that I need to renew again!

You'll never guess what my boss has done now! He's got a parrot. An African grey and it's in the office all day long (they need company and the boss' house is empty).

I love it but the damn thing does not shut up. It's given us an entire symphonic performance of every Nokia ringtone known to man, with a few hellos and Kokos thrown in for good measure. It doesn't speak much english but I'm sure it told me to go to hell this morning. It's like sharing an office with R2D2 with a bad case of tourette's.

bravo Courter!!!!!!! what a wonderful experience Patty!

(Kat, can't you put some cover on the cage? or the soundy animal hasn't a cage? anyway now you can blame him, in every case of 'work-malfunction'!)

LOL Well let's hope the bird doesn't fall in love with you cause then they scream at the top of their little birdie lungs! Living with a cockatiel who happens to be female and in love me I get that everyday. I just thought does that make her a lesbirdian? Does your boss realise how long those birds live for? It will probably outlive all of you.

nice thought Dex

Katiedot wrote:Yep, looks like the site is back up and running. Somebody please remind me next year on my birthday that I need to renew again!

You'll never guess what my boss has done now! He's got a parrot. An African grey and it's in the office all day long (they need company and the boss' house is empty).

I love it but the damn thing does not shut up. It's given us an entire symphonic performance of every Nokia ringtone known to man, with a few hellos and Kokos thrown in for good measure. It doesn't speak much english but I'm sure it told me to go to hell this morning. It's like sharing an office with R2D2 with a bad case of tourette's.

We can remind you unless you're in the jungle again

What's the parrots name ? What language does he speak ? Do you have to clean
his cage too ?
I'm sure you'll be able to teach him some lovely English phrases like "Any more tea vicar"

One day a man went to an auction.

While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.
He really wanted
this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding.
He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid
higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid -
the fine bird was finally his!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer,
"I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid
this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk.
Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Dexterdidit wrote:LOL Well let's hope the bird doesn't fall in love with you cause then they scream at the top of their little birdie lungs! Living with a cockatiel who happens to be female and in love me I get that everyday. I just thought does that make her a lesbirdian? Does your boss realise how long those birds live for? It will probably outlive all of you.

Oh no! I didn't realise about the screaming. He's noisy enough as it is! As for long lived, if he doesn't learn to shut up soon I don't think he'll make the end of this week.

As for what languages he speaks, hmmm, it's pretty much anything he hears. From the gargles he's been making recently he seems to be planning to become fluent in coffee machine.

LOOOOOL!!!!

Talking about birds, a while ago I had two love birds. When one of them died, the other one would scream so loud it it could almost wake the dead (and my two teenagers in the morning LOL). Anyway when we couldn't live with the screeching any longer, I donated it to a nursing home where most of the residents were hard of hearing. THEY complained about the noise and had to give the bird away.

sad
and sweet too

ED AND NANCY

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,

"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

The Italian Wedding Test

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. she never did it around anyone else. One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me". I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..' And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.