Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

by cindigirl Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:33

Joanna, I love your clothes mess joke. This does sound like my son and also sounds like a typical teen-ager (in my family at least).

by davidarochelle Fri 29 Jun 2012, 14:37

Super Dress
Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips."

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

by pattygirl Sat 30 Jun 2012, 19:09

The Best Joke In 2012

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to
hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to
call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil
informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a
check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is
finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes
him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin
hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."

by pattygirl Sat 30 Jun 2012, 19:14

In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Senator Reid before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Harry Reid would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Reid, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected."

Reid agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Reid's hand in his left hand.. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.. Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Reid.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

by cindigirl Sat 30 Jun 2012, 19:21

I love your Obama jokes patty.

Here's a joke for grandparents everywhere.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. Because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Gramma waited, and sure enough, Here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

SEND IT ON AND MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT SMILE ... LIKE I JUST DID.

by Joanna Sat 30 Jun 2012, 20:38

A blonde decides to give back to society. She finally decides to paint an old man's home for free.
"So, what do I paint?" she asks the old man.

"The porch," he laughs like there's an inside joke.
"Ok!" she says excitedly.
The old man walks in his house and his wife looks upset at him.

"Did you tell her the porch goes all around the house?" she asks. The man shook his head.

"Hey!" the blonde calls, in half hour,
"I'm done, and I even had paint left over so I put a second coat." she explains.

The happy man waves as the blonde leaves.

"And by the way," the blonde says,
"That's not a porsche, that's a ferrari."

by Joanna Sun 01 Jul 2012, 15:34

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies,

"Yes, he's watching TV -

who shall I say is calling?"

by Joanna Tue 03 Jul 2012, 20:16

The 4th July Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at Albuquerque's annual 4th of July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter.

'This baked ham is really delicious,' the priest teased the rabbi.

'You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don't know what you're missing.
You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs Warren's prized Virginia Baked Ham.
Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?'

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said,
'At your wedding.'

by cindigirl Tue 03 Jul 2012, 20:18

Excellent reply - the rabbi must have been taking lessons from George. lol

by Lakin460 Wed 04 Jul 2012, 20:02

Why Jewish Men Enjoy Oral Sex

5,000 Jewish men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex.

1% liked the warmth

2% liked the sensation

3% liked the eroticism

94% just liked the peace and quiet

by Lakin460 Wed 04 Jul 2012, 20:13

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

by Joanna Thu 05 Jul 2012, 14:50

Pop a UK post code or address in the box and the plane will go down that road.

Try it with a US zip code too and report what happens please ?

http://taxi.ba.com/

by Lakin460 Thu 05 Jul 2012, 18:26

Joanna wrote:Pop a UK post code or address in the box and the plane will go down that road.

Try it with a US zip code too and report what happens please ?

[url=http://taxi.ba.com/

http://taxi.ba.com/[/quote[/url]]

Jo, I typed in a zip code and it said no postal code found or something like that.

by Joanna Thu 05 Jul 2012, 18:30

OK thanks Lakin......obviously just works in UK only !

by Lakin460 Thu 05 Jul 2012, 18:32

Wow, Jo, look at them feet in your avatar! Yummmy. George has big ears, too. JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 7 10818

by Joanna Fri 06 Jul 2012, 10:42

Apologies to anyone who doesn't get these jokes.....
It's a Brit thing ! lol!

Yorkshire Humour

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and he decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone
to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the bloody "e" out,
you've left the bloody "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

..................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad,
does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

...................................................................................

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

.....................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

by Joanna Fri 06 Jul 2012, 20:25

Just found this on JJjr....below....

(My hubby & I had a good laugh when we read it....
He said.... "Busted at last love !")

lol!

From JJjr.

courtney@6/17/2012 at 7.08am

@Cut the crap: Just letting you know that the loser Dionte is none other than the wet blanket Limey scrubber Joanna
who posts on the PR run site cloonyesopenorifice.com

don’t pay attention.

The psycho neurotic jealous ugly b’itch is helllbent
on sellling this bulllshit.
An ugly scrag herself.

Pathologically jealous & so wnats Clooney to do fake PR contracts. No love in her own life. bitter b’itch

Laughing out loud

by Lakin460 Fri 06 Jul 2012, 20:41

Hiya, JoJo! JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 7 75029

Oh that post is just vile Glad you found it funny, though.

by Joanna Fri 06 Jul 2012, 20:56

But of course, why not ?
I never go there but just happened to today for a reason and laughed when I spotted that.

Written by a pathetic loser of course....what a shame for he/she/it.

by Joanna Fri 06 Jul 2012, 20:58

Hey Lakin....your Avatar ??? Looks like Randolph Scott ?

"You'd do it for Randolph Scott" Blazing Saddles

by Lakin460 Fri 06 Jul 2012, 21:01

Yeah, he's not real good cowboy material IMO, but it's a pic of him I'd never seen and I was tired of my old one. It'll no doubt change in a few days, once I find something I like better - like a full frontal package shot!!

by Joanna Fri 06 Jul 2012, 21:04

In your deeeeeep dreams dear.....LOL
Best to never know... IMO... However could you live
with the disappointment aye ?

by Lakin460 Fri 06 Jul 2012, 21:08

Well, I truly do not think I'd be disappoiinted and you'd be surprised at what I could live with! JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 7 974137

I'm a very forgiving person!

You feeling better today?

by Joanna Fri 06 Jul 2012, 22:15

Yes thanks flower flower

Our British tennis player achieved his ambition and
is in the Wimbledon Men's Final on Sunday. Group

First Brit to do that for 74 years ! Yahooooo

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:16

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away,Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:18

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:19

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

by Joanna Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:27

Himself loves your blonde jokes Lakin !!

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:31

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:32

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:33

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

by melbert Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:34

Lakin, you're just full of it today, aren't you!!!

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:35

Joanna wrote:Himself loves your blonde jokes Lakin !!

Yeah, he's a sucker for a good blonde joke!

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:36

melbert wrote:Lakin, you're just full of it today, aren't you!!!

You a blonde, mel?

by Lakin460 Sun 08 Jul 2012, 19:37

Ok, one more....

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

by playfuldeb Mon 09 Jul 2012, 06:59

How to be cruel to old men:

The AARP eye test

[img] JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 7 Aarp_e10

[/img]

by playfuldeb Mon 09 Jul 2012, 07:41

On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."

by Joanna Mon 09 Jul 2012, 10:54

Hey playful....you're letting us down here.....
Where's the eye test for the girls ???

Very interesting avatar by the way !!

by Joanna Mon 09 Jul 2012, 10:59

iPhone owners....something here to cheer your day !!

http://db-db-db.com/nudemenClock/

iPhone/iPad App: Nudemen Numen Clock 1.2 (0.99USD)

Our Nudemen Clock is finally available on the iPhone and iPad! Shake your device to toggle between analog and digital mode. Have fun!

by it's me Mon 09 Jul 2012, 12:27

ma no!
they are NOT nude

bah.... Reading

by Joanna Mon 09 Jul 2012, 14:50

ooooOOOOOoooo I M.....you wicked girl you !!!

On the original link they are....but can't find it at mo...LOL

by it's me Mon 09 Jul 2012, 15:37

by davidarochelle Wed 11 Jul 2012, 15:11

Seen in the Cafeteria
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail addy and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:

"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

by Joanna Wed 11 Jul 2012, 17:19

Best Strip Tease Ever

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/best_strip_tease_ever.shtml

by Joanna Wed 11 Jul 2012, 17:24

How to Stop Drinking ?

http://www.toilette-humor.com/monkey.html

by Joanna Wed 11 Jul 2012, 19:56

As the man said...."Sorry George"

by melbert Thu 12 Jul 2012, 02:06

Joanna wrote:Best Strip Tease Ever

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/best_strip_tease_ever.shtml

I thought I burned all those videos I made. I guess this one got out!!! hahahahaha!!!

by Joanna Thu 12 Jul 2012, 20:58

Aaaah...other women drivers....don't you just love 'em ?

by Joanna Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:02

Wrong Phone !

http://www.toilette-humor.com/singles/beware_using_the_wrong_phone.shtml

by cindigirl Thu 12 Jul 2012, 21:09

Joanna wrote:Aaaah...other women drivers....don't you just love 'em ?

Love the video Jo - You have to admit, we women know how to get things done. Laughing

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