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April chit chat

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April chit chat

Post by Katiedot on Sat Mar 31 2012, 19:13

As it's well past midnight here, it's officially 1st April and time to start a new chat.

A man is walking down the street when he meets a friend who happens to have only one arm.
"What are you up to today?" he asks his friend.
"I'm going to change a lightbulb."
"Won't that be difficult with just one arm?"
"Shouldn't think so. I've got the receipt."

An old woman decided one day that it was about time she got a husband so she put an ad in the local paper.

Ad read: Husband Wanted, sixty to seventy years old, must not chase me, must not beat me and must be good in bed.

Weeks later the doorbell rang and a man was there in a wheelchair. The woman said "how can I marry you, You have no legs?" That means I can't chase you the man replied

"but you have no arms" the woman said. So I cant beat you the man answered. Ok the woman said so are you any good in bed.

The man smiled and said, "Well I rang the doorbell didnt I?"

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Re: April chit chat

Post by pattygirl on Sat Mar 31 2012, 19:29

Pretty good for so late at night. Happy April Fools Day

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Re: April chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Sat Mar 31 2012, 19:51

Subject - How to have fun while you're shopping.

Things to do at Wal-Mart while you wait for your family to shop.


Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them into peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through, whisper PICK ME, PICK ME.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker assume the fetal position and scream, NO, NO! It's those voices again.

Go to the fitting room and yell real loud "Hey we're out of toilet paper here."

When somebody asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "why won't you people leave me alone?"


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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Sat Mar 31 2012, 20:04

Two drunk guys are sitting at a bar when one looks at the other and says, "I had sex with your mother last night."
The other guy gets up, grabs his coat and says, "Ok, Dad, it's time to go."

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Vi on Sat Mar 31 2012, 20:18

I love this kind of jokes <3

it could be Irish

nite and ttfn

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Sat Mar 31 2012, 20:21

Evaluating employees

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts,
the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

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Re: April chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Sat Mar 31 2012, 20:25

Haha Joanna - so THIS is why unemployment is so high!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Sat Mar 31 2012, 20:43

Seems like it cindi....I like the last evaluation best !



Pay for your past bills

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount
of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying,
"We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,

"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Sun Apr 01 2012, 00:10

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".


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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Sun Apr 01 2012, 00:44

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".


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Re: April chit chat

Post by theminis on Sun Apr 01 2012, 01:07

As a person who has 3 little ones, could not resist commenting on these, so hiliarious and so so true.....

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. (so true)

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too. (and at 4.00am, 6.00am etc)

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. (I often get the following comments... "" are they looking a little bit thin to you or is it just me? Oh you new mums have different ways of doing things, yeah?"")

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. (one of mine once pulled at least half a dozen glass jars of sauce off a shelf, threw them at the floor, I had to pay for the breakage and of course he only destroyed the most expensive ones on the shelf!)

ps. I was at the Doctors the other day when my 4 year daughter announced to the Dr that she wanted him to take out her testicles as they were swollen and she couldn't breathe!! Once he stopped laughing at her, he assumed she meant to say tonsils!!! Just can't take them anywhere...

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Sun Apr 01 2012, 01:16

LOLOLOL HIlarious, minis! Lots of happy

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Re: April chit chat

Post by theminis on Sun Apr 01 2012, 01:49

Unfortunately it didn't end there, the next day at school which she only started for the first time 6 weeks ago, as part of show and tell (can't imagine how that must have looked), she announces to her class that her testicles are coming out soon because they are choking her!!, her teacher thought this was hysterically funny and couldn't keep a straight face when I came to pick her up. What a laugh.

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Re: April chit chat

Post by melbert on Sun Apr 01 2012, 02:17

Theminis -
I hope you remind her of that when she's a young adult, or better yet, when she had kids!!!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by theminis on Sun Apr 01 2012, 02:24

I plan to use that story as part of my speech on her 21st birthday or wedding day!!, depends how cheeky she has been between now and then LOL

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Sun Apr 01 2012, 11:47

http://www.themoviebit.com/2012/04/fassbender-and-clooney-to-team-up-in.html

Fassbender and Clooney to team up in sequel to Shame
By Vic Barry on 4/01/2012 01:43:00 AM News

One of the fastest rising talents in the world, Michael Fassbender (yes, he's ours) is rumoured to be interested in shooting a sequel to the phenomenal Shame. In the original Fassbender played a sex addict on a course of self destruction as his addiction got worse.

If he signs up, The sequel will see Fassbender try and cure his addiction by playing Golf. Carey Mulligan is also rumoured to return and George Clooney will play Fassbenders therapist.

Fassbender will next be seen in Ridley Scott's Prometheus.

Incidentally, you might want to take a look at what date it is!!!!!



Wonder if the Golf reference was inspired by George's speech at GG ?? Coolio

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Sun Apr 01 2012, 12:18


Thought this appropriate for All Fools Day.....

Sexy George at his Very Best lol!


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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Sun Apr 01 2012, 12:26


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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Sun Apr 01 2012, 14:58

huhh! anyone else?

Very Happy

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Re: April chit chat

Post by melbert on Sun Apr 01 2012, 15:38

my all time favorite from my wonderful brothers -

There's a spider crawling on your back!!!

APRIL FOOL!!!! Beaten

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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Sun Apr 01 2012, 20:11

http://www.supergacinema.it/film/news/5488-george-clooney-fa-outing-mi-piace-il-pesce.html

George Clooney outing

"I like fish"

Let's face it: we've all suspected. The relationship to the Canalis knew of fiction, but also all his other love affairs have never convinced anyone. In fact, George Clooney, sex bomb for millions of women, the idol of advertising and the big screen, has finally made ​​it clear that it is not interested in the feminine gender.

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, George said these words: "People can hardly believe it, but I have not yet managed to find love, what makes you really lose your head. The fact is that there are many fish but perhaps in the sea, until now, I looked in the wrong side: it is time to admit to being gay and move on without pretense. "

So, women cheat for a reason. You are not the fish that George is interested. At best, this may be interested in:


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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Sun Apr 01 2012, 22:32

I just want to say thank you katiedot for banning the troublemaker(s) from the forum. It is so nice to come here and read and share without all the troll shit-stirring drama! It's so pleasant when they're nowhere to be heard or seen.
Zen

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Apr 02 2012, 15:22

This came in an email recently.
I thought it too thought provoking not to share.



"There comes a time in life, when you walk away from all the drama
and people who create it.
You surround yourself with people who
make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.

So, love the people who treat you right.
Think good thoughts for the ones
who don't.
Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Falling down is part of LIFE...Getting back up is LIVING...

Have a great life."

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Re: April chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Mon Apr 02 2012, 15:31

Good thought for the day. I have, as I'm sure everyone has, fallen down. I live life one day at a time and believe in the serenity prayer

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

It's gotten me through the worst.

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Apr 02 2012, 16:24

Little Tommy went home from school and told his mum that the girls kept asking him to do cartwheels because he's very good at them.

Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look
up your pants."

Tommy said, "I know they do.

That's why I hide them in my backpack"!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by silly girl on Mon Apr 02 2012, 23:55

I was going to put this in the friends & family section because Richard Kind is in it...but thought it was clever so it belonged here....enjoy~



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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Tue Apr 03 2012, 01:18

Funny, funny, funny! Thanks silly girl!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by melbert on Tue Apr 03 2012, 02:08

Yay Richard!!!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Tue Apr 03 2012, 03:22

Don't sit around the house . .. .

Get out and enjoy nature!

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=22&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=29&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=16&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=28&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=17&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=25&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=23&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=18&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=26&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=27&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=21&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=20&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=19&u=17378917

http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=24&u=17378917

. .. . never mind, let's just go back inside . ...

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Re: April chit chat

Post by LornaDoone on Tue Apr 03 2012, 04:11

@silly girl thanks for the video with Richard Kind. Very funny!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Tue Apr 03 2012, 11:34

All those links say 'image doesn't exist' Lakin

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Re: April chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue Apr 03 2012, 15:29

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay.

It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Katiedot on Tue Apr 03 2012, 17:32

For Kindle owners, amazon.co.uk is on sale from now until the 12th April with books from 99p.

I've just treated myself to 20 books so I'm sorted for the next month or so!

In the past I've had no issues buying from Amazon.com and amazon.de (no need for new details or password) so US users should be able to buy too if there's anything that appeals.

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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Tue Apr 03 2012, 17:36

thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu !!!
dunno if it is for Italian books too
but it will be fine to buy some books anyway!!!

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Katiedot on Tue Apr 03 2012, 17:40

Not that many Italian books there and the ones I saw looked boring and none were in the sale.

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Re: April chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue Apr 03 2012, 17:42

Biff the fat cat struggling to get through door flap. For someone who has an "obese cat" you will enjoy this vid.


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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Tue Apr 03 2012, 21:37

well
thanks anyway
I bought 2 in Eng
and some in Ita

THANKS! Very Happy

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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Tue Apr 03 2012, 21:39

meowwwww
poor cat! cat

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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Tue Apr 03 2012, 21:41

now Knut's sister! Very Happy

http://www.repubblica.it/ambiente/2012/03/31/foto/anori_la_sorella_dell_orsetto_knut_nuova_star_dello_zoo_tedesco-32507946/1/?ref=FRAG-6

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Tue Apr 03 2012, 22:33

Aaaaaah..... lovely pictures its me !

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Lakin460 on Tue Apr 03 2012, 22:57

Joanna wrote:All those links say 'image doesn't exist' Lakin



Well RATS! Sorry...

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Apr 04 2012, 00:44

A cat watching Star Wars !


http://www.wimp.com/catstar/

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Re: April chit chat

Post by silly girl on Wed Apr 04 2012, 00:51

thanks for the jokes and videos today...my crankiness never went away and I had a rough day at work....ever have one of those days where you start to talk and in the middle of a sentence realize you aren't making any sense...but keep trying to tell the story anyway....I could scream....feeling so stupid....trying to wind down but can't stop crying....coming here definitely helps...again thanks....

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Re: April chit chat

Post by NotAvailable on Wed Apr 04 2012, 01:28

Sometimes its like if the sun isn't shining, you're gonna feel the down side of that and everything seems to go wrong or it goes right but then ppl you know aren't right with you for some reason. Or the day just def bums. Need to go where the sun is shining and the air is fresher. And the laughs are far superior to any other. Very Happy

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Apr 04 2012, 12:48

sillygirl...hope you have a better day on Weds.

I feel sad today too so it's good to escape here for a while.
Takes one's mind off oneself for a time and hopefully gives a better feeling inside a "kick start."

Memo to Katie...please don't allow this oasis to get lost or damaged by selfish people, or we'll all be up the creek without a paddle
Big Time.

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:11

This appealed to my weird sense of humour
and made me laugh !


http://www.wimp.com/vampiresaliens/

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Re: April chit chat

Post by silly girl on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:23

Thanks Joanna....that was so funny, how do they do that... it is already a better Wed.... Wink

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:27

I think they're being portrayed on a screen and they're on the floor....very good effects though.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

If you're feeling at all emotional, then get some tissues.
Who is this singer Please ??? She's lovely !

http://www.wimp.com/audiencesing/

Found her....Lara Fabian....a French singer.
I've just popped a youtube of her on Music Can thread



Last edited by Joanna on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:46; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Additional Information)

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Re: April chit chat

Post by silly girl on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:33

Ok first you make me laugh then you make me cry....that was beautiful, I don't know who she is but I do want to know more....

Have a great day! sunny

silly girl
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to Clooney I go!

Posts : 3299
Join date : 2011-02-28

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Re: April chit chat

Post by it's me on Wed Apr 04 2012, 13:33

silly girl wrote:thanks for the jokes and videos today...my crankiness never went away and I had a rough day at work....ever have one of those days where you start to talk and in the middle of a sentence realize you aren't making any sense...but keep trying to tell the story anyway....I could scream....feeling so stupid....trying to wind down but can't stop crying....coming here definitely helps...again thanks....

I understand silly
I understand

it's me
George Clooney fan forever!

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Join date : 2011-01-03

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Re: April chit chat

Post by Sponsored content Today at 04:37


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