Why I hate George Clooney

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Why I Hate George Clooney

Posted by Paul Marshall On March 28th, 2012

I can’t stand George Clooney. I haven’t met him personally mind you, there is just something about him that makes me want to repeatedly punch myself in the face. It’s like every time he opens his mouth he has the propensity to say something that is both intelligent and charismatic. It serves as a reminder to me that no matter how hard I try, I will never really be that good.

My first gripe with him is he is an incredibly talented writer. This shits me. Not only is he an Academy Award nominated actor and director, but writer now too? Pick one and stop making the rest of us look bad you prick. I wish I could write something half as good as The Ides of March or Good Night, and Good Luck. I tried to write something like The Ides of March but it turned out more like Snakes on a Plane, set in the Whitehouse with Samuel L Jackson as a gun toting President.

My awesome imagination aside, George Clooney really is a bastard. When he went grey, he somehow managed to become far more attractive. Who does that? Like George (because we’re on a first name basis now), I have the genetic disposition to go grey early. My dad went grey early, and ended up identical to Steve Martin. So much so when he travelled around Europe he actually pretend to be Steve Martin, doing all sorts of horrible stuff that Steve would probably get the blame for. So, on behalf of my father, I’d like to apologise to you Steve Martin.

The point I am trying to make is that when George Clooney went grey, he looked like this –

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When I go grey, I am probably going to look like this –

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It isn’t fair, and it makes me dislike George even more. I’ve even started wasting money on horribly overpriced male beauty products designed to turn myself into a sexy older man. They’re not working. I’m neither sexy nor am I an old man. Someone in the marketing department messed up on these ones.

George also happens to be a humanitarian. He is outspoken against president Omar Al-Basheer of Sudan (a really bad guy), has provided a huge amount of awareness and humanitarian support for the region, was a key contributor to the Haiti earthquake relief effort and is a principle figure behind Not On Our Watch. What a dick.

Even if I donated every last cent of my savings to Medecins Sans Frontieres, flew to Africa and worked as a relief worker for the rest of my life I still wouldn’t have done as much for charitable causes as he has. How is that meant to make me feel? Do I just have to accept that no matter what I do George will have already done it multiplied by a million?

My only consolation in all of this is that when George was my age he probably felt the same way about Paul Newman. After speaking to a consortium of fellow young people in my office, all of whom had no idea who Paul Newman was, I proceeded to go on a tirade for a good hour and a half. So for anyone else who doesn’t know who Paul Newman is, here is the summary of this tirade and the man who George envied.


This handsome man, you know the one on the salad dressing bottles? The most important thing to know about this man is he is one of, if not the most talented actor of all time. His performances in Cool Hand Luke, The Hustler and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid to this day are still up there as some of the best I’ve witnessed.

He is also a co-founder of Newman’s Own, the food company with 100% of proceeds going to charity. He founded it with Aaron Edward Hotchner, another amazing guy, and an incredible writer. In 2011 Newman’s Own had donated over 300 million to various charitable organisations. That tells you two things. First, Paul Newman is an awesome guy. Secondly, he makes a damn fine salad dressing/pasta sauce/popcorn amongst other things.

Even as I write this I immediately start to feel better. Knowing that George Clooney was just like me once (probably more handsome) and couldn’t stand the sight of Paul Newman for all the inadequacies he highlighted. One day there might be some kid out there looking up at an older Paul Marshall feeling the same thing.

Let’s face it, that last bit probably isn’t going to happen. I’ll be the guy on the street that parents point out and say ‘if you don’t do your homework, you’ll end up like him’. That’ll scare ‘em straight.

On a final note I’ll leave you with the number one reason why I hate George Clooney – he is currently dating my childhood crush. Everything else I could put up with, but that was the final straw. Quite frankly I don’t know what she sees in him…

Written by Paul Marshall