Re: March general chit chat

by Joanna Wed 14 Mar 2012, 23:01

True I M.....
And don't worry about the links....just weird humour !!

by pattygirl Thu 15 Mar 2012, 01:10

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
They agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean
View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy
Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agree to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free
snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of
cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight
pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good,
the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and
fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an
early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was
handicapped-accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. They agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because it sounded nice and they had never been there
before.

by pattygirl Thu 15 Mar 2012, 01:14

INTERNET DATING IN FLORIDA

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:

Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching

for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:

Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round

out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

ERENITY NOW: CENTURYVILLAGE- LYONS ROAD :

I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are

the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND

Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share

rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago

I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still

like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,

let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE

I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember

Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH

Male, 1934, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including

hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

by lucy Thu 15 Mar 2012, 05:46

Gonna say GNGL to all, once again only seeing Lucy comments, so it's time to go,
PS. bought my copy of TD-DVD today but I'm saving it for the weekend, that's just the way I roll. LOL , love y'all!

by Joanna Thu 15 Mar 2012, 11:48

Good ones pattygirl Thumbs up!

by Joanna Thu 15 Mar 2012, 12:01

Thought of the day Jokes

Always be pleasant to your kids as it be be they who choose
your retirement home.

If you ever think that nobody cares if you live or not, try missing
a couple of mortgage payments.

Why are banks one of the few places that will lend money to you but only after you've proved to them that you do not need it?

Remember it is not necessary to have a parachute if you wish
to skydive; unless you are going to do it twice.

If you ever get the urge to fight fire with fire; just remember –
the Fire Service generally uses water.

Nostalgia really isn’t anything like it once was.

Always refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

by it's me Thu 15 Mar 2012, 12:47

Patty!
the 2.10 time gig is FANTASTIC!
(the second one.... already posted, no?
still very good too)

Hug1

thankssssss

by melbert Fri 16 Mar 2012, 02:19

love. the. laughs. Thanks for brightening up my bad day!

by LornaDoone Fri 16 Mar 2012, 02:32

It's things like this that make me see red!!!

The RAPIST to escape prosecution invokes an article in their penal code that enables him to MARRY his VICTIM!!! And the family agrees because it's more shameful for them that the girl was raped! God almighty, WTF is wrong with these people????!!!!

http://news.yahoo.com/outrage-over-suicide-moroccan-teen-forced-marry-rapist-171033094.html

by LornaDoone Fri 16 Mar 2012, 02:35

I'm so pissed off now that I'm going to log off and calm down. Night!

by Dexterdidit Fri 16 Mar 2012, 08:04

I read that and the 16 year old girl killed herself. I wonder how much shame her parents feel now? In some cultures girls are still killed or jailed for being raped and they wonder why they get called third world countries!

by it's me Fri 16 Mar 2012, 12:44

education
we highly need it

preserving cultures
but most of all
LIFES

by cindigirl Fri 16 Mar 2012, 17:00

I don't know if anyone is following the trial of Dharun Ravi who is charged with spying on Tyler Clementi, a former Rutgers University student who ultimately killed himself after Ravi taped him having sex with another man, the jury, after many hours of deliberation found him guilty. He may face prison time and be sent back to his country. Sometimes justice does prevail!

by Joanna Fri 16 Mar 2012, 20:24

This one is for Einstein....He should be so proud
of his Dad today Thumbs up!

LIVER & CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her
at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors,
she decides to be kind and tells them,
"The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together
in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says,
"I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination
or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says
"How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless.
That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says,
"How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever
and the Lab and says.....

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

by Joanna Fri 16 Mar 2012, 20:27

cindigirl wrote:I don't know if anyone is following the trial of Dharun Ravi who is charged with spying on Tyler Clementi, a former Rutgers University student who ultimately killed himself after Ravi taped him having sex with another man, the jury, after many hours of deliberation found him guilty. He may face prison time and be sent back to his country. Sometimes justice does prevail!

Sorry cindi to interrupt your story.
I'm not familier with it at all, but am pleased that justice has been seen to be done.
A sad story indeed.

by cindigirl Fri 16 Mar 2012, 22:39

That's OK Joanna. I just thought maybe some of us in the US might be interested. It's all over the new York and local news.

by playfuldeb Fri 16 Mar 2012, 23:13

Society is indeed becoming a sad state of life. My opinion is that parents are not parenting, teachers are not allowed to teach, and the law is not allowed to punish. My grandchildren will live in a very strange world. What comes to mind is the Mad Max movie, when everyone is unto themselves.

by silly girl Fri 16 Mar 2012, 23:17

Hey Cindigirl...I saw the news...Tyler Clementi grew up in the town next to me---so it is big news around here. Such a sad story...even though I know he should be punished I don't believe he wanted Tyler to die....I just think he was very very stupid and acted on that stupidity. It is so sad, two lives and families destroyed....

by cindigirl Sat 17 Mar 2012, 15:06

Hi silly girl, you are much more compassionate than I am toward Ravi. I'm glad he was found guilty. It's one thing to tape Clementi once as a joke but another to repeatedly tape him and encourage others to watch him having sex with another man. That's downright mean spirited to me.

IMO there's too much gay bullying going on and I hope this teaches a lesson to anyone who engages in it.

by MyGirlKylie Sat 17 Mar 2012, 22:04

Dexterdidit wrote: I read that and the 16 year old girl killed herself. I wonder how much shame her parents feel now?

Makes ya wonder, doesn't it? Hopefully they feel some degree of guilt but sadly in some cultures it seems children (or lives in general) are expendable. Just hope that poor girl is finally at peace. I was sexually assaulted at 12 and it affects me to this day so I can't even begin to imagine what she went through being forced to marry him. Crying or Very sad

On a lighter note, hope you guys are enjoying all the spring weather. I'm sitting out on the deck right now and it feels perfect. I'm not a fan of these late evening spring storms though. Yikes!

by Joanna Sun 18 Mar 2012, 00:06

When insults had class…

These glorious and eloquent insults are from the good old days when our armory of linguistic weapons extended beyond 4-letter expletives, frowny faces made out of punctuation marks, and screaming caps …
And, what’s more, they’re eminently stealable,
since most of their authors are long gone.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
“That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your
policies or your mistress.”

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying
I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –
Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
bring a friend, if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw
to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night. Will attend second …
if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response.

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?” – Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

by it's me Sun 18 Mar 2012, 09:39

ohhhhhh thanks! some of them are priceless!!!! Laughing

by cindigirl Sun 18 Mar 2012, 15:02

Thankls Joanna - excellent observations - and from people who know what they're talking about.

by Joanna Sun 18 Mar 2012, 16:19

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

by cindigirl Sun 18 Mar 2012, 16:29

W O R D S - OMG that is soooo true.

by it's me Sun 18 Mar 2012, 16:33

Joanna wrote:WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

ROTFL

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

LOOL!!!

by LornaDoone Sun 18 Mar 2012, 22:46

MyGirlKylie wrote:
Dexterdidit wrote: I read that and the 16 year old girl killed herself. I wonder how much shame her parents feel now?
Makes ya wonder, doesn't it? Hopefully they feel some degree of guilt but sadly in some cultures it seems children (or lives in general) are expendable. Just hope that poor girl is finally at peace. I was sexually assaulted at 12 and it affects me to this day so I can't even begin to imagine what she went through being forced to marry him.

On a lighter note, hope you guys are enjoying all the spring weather. I'm sitting out on the deck right now and it feels perfect. I'm not a fan of these late evening spring storms though. Yikes!

Frankly, had I been forced to marry a man who raped me and been in a culture where there was no way out - I would have killed him FIRST! "Going to sleep now hubby well say hello to Satan cause that's who you're going to wake up next too!"

Education is the key. These women (and men) are being brainwashed from childhood that this is appropriate - that honor is more important than human life and dignity and that is just so wrong!

by cindigirl Sun 18 Mar 2012, 22:56

LornaDoone wrote:Frankly, had I been forced to marry a man who raped me and been in a culture where there was no way out - I would have killed him FIRST! "Going to sleep now hubby well say hello to Satan cause that's who you're going to wake up next too!"

Lorna, or you could have pulled a Lorraine Bobbit on him. That would fix him. LOL

by Joanna Mon 19 Mar 2012, 17:42

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A Brazilian girl....

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino girl.
He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home
to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning,
wash the dishes and do the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw
it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Brazil.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything.
The second day he didn't see anything but by the third day,
some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye.
His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself
a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he passes water.

by it's me Mon 19 Mar 2012, 17:49

men....

by Joanna Mon 19 Mar 2012, 17:51

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops in London and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two a s s e s come together.
I come once-a-more !
Two a s s e s, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in
Public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man.
'Who talkin' abouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
Mississippi '

You're gonna read this again...... I did

by it's me Mon 19 Mar 2012, 17:55

...devil....... LOL!

by Joanna Mon 19 Mar 2012, 17:59

For UK folks....there's an interesting documentary on BBC 3 TV this evening regarding cyber bullying and trolling.
Meeting people who've had very bad experiences online.

by it's me Mon 19 Mar 2012, 18:01

no thanks
notnow in the right mood...
can you anyway give us the link?

thanks

by EEOsandy Mon 19 Mar 2012, 18:24

Every time I need a laugh I go on here. Great jokes, ladies.

by Joanna Mon 19 Mar 2012, 18:25

It may be repeated on BBC iPlayor, but may not be available outside of UK.
I'll check it out later in the week.

by cindigirl Mon 19 Mar 2012, 18:42

Joanne I love your No Speeka De English joke. A good play on words. I can't believe I'm even posting this but here goes.

Do you know how to spell Chicago? Chicken in the car and the car won't go. Oh, that's awful, sorry.

How about telling someone how cute they are? O U R A Q T I N V U.

OK no more, I just slapped my own wrist!

by caudata Mon 19 Mar 2012, 20:06

cindigirl wrote: How about telling someone how cute they are? O U R A Q T I N V U.

Ha! Thanks cindigirl! Laughing

by Joanna Mon 19 Mar 2012, 20:40

Those are funny cindi...any more ?????? Hoorah!

by cindigirl Mon 19 Mar 2012, 20:52

I know this is posted before but maybe the newbies here haven't heard it yet so I'll repeat it.

Do you know you can save money on doctor visits by checking in at the airport. You'll get a free breast exam and a free x-ray. And if you mention AlQuida, you'll get a free colonoscopy.

Betty White joke. Why do people say "grow a pair". Balls are soft and sensitive. They should say "grow a vagina". Vaginas are tough and can take a pounding.

Sorry, I just came off reading the loony posts on IMDb, it was like a train wreck, I couldn't turn away. Now I need a real laugh.

by MyGirlKylie Mon 19 Mar 2012, 22:33

cindigirl wrote:
LornaDoone wrote:Frankly, had I been forced to marry a man who raped me and been in a culture where there was no way out - I would have killed him FIRST! "Going to sleep now hubby well say hello to Satan cause that's who you're going to wake up next too!"

Lorna, or you could have pulled a Lorraine Bobbit on him. That would fix him. LOL

I like the way you thnk, Lorna. Thumbs up!

If they forced me to marry a rapist, someone had better sleep with one eye open. I may not be able to over power him in the heat of the moment but the bastard has to sleep at some point. Wink

by Lakin460 Tue 20 Mar 2012, 18:03

A recent joint study conducted by the
Department of Health and the
Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that
23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused
by assholes who drink bottled water,
starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks
and shit like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

by cindigirl Tue 20 Mar 2012, 18:11

Good point Lakin, but don't forget the percentage of accidents caused by people who insist on texting behind the wheel. I'll never understand why people have to be in contact 24/7.

by cindigirl Tue 20 Mar 2012, 19:27

A letter from the Post Office...this is absolutely the best!!
We don't know who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter office

Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month.
The day after she passed away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.
She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so, and she dictated these words:

Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog?
She died yesterday and is with you in heaven.
I miss her very much. I 'm happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to swim and play with balls.

I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her.
Love, Meredith

We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey & Meredith , addressed it to God/Heaven.
We put our return address on it. Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.
A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.
I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.
Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:

Dear Meredith,
Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and I recognized her right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore.
Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog.
Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in so I'm sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.
Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have.
I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find.
I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God

by it's me Tue 20 Mar 2012, 19:38

che meraviglia..... grazie

by cindigirl Tue 20 Mar 2012, 19:50

Thanks It's me - it is a wonderful story.

by it's me Tue 20 Mar 2012, 19:53

absolutely Very Happy

by Joanna Tue 20 Mar 2012, 21:37

That's lovely cindi, thank you...gave you a Green.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

WARNING....NO Drinking Whilst Reading This One.
Otherwise this Mopping up the mess

will happen.... OK ?

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Yahooooo

by cindigirl Tue 20 Mar 2012, 21:58

Thanks for the good laugh Joanna - and the green. LOL

by Joanna Tue 20 Mar 2012, 22:03

!

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