G at Costco May 10

Was that George Clooney at Costco last weekend?

By Paul Whitefield
May 10, 2012, 11:48 a.m.
OK, so you, me and most of the rest of America didn’t win the raffle to meet with President Obama at George Clooney’s house Thursday night.

Don’t despair. Through the magic of the Internet, some thoughtful analysis and some outright guesswork, I can take you there, for free.

First, Clooney’s house. It’s in Studio City. It’s about 7,300 square feet. It looks, well, like a lot of houses in Southern California -- that is, sort of like an English cottage, with wood planks stuck into stucco. Like what Shakespeare had, except on steroids. Yes, it has a pool, and tennis court with a basketball hoop. And it used to be owned by Stevie Nicks, so presumably the sound system is good.

Plus I can practically guarantee there’s not enough parking. Not that the neighbors will complain, mostly because none of the neighbors know one another.

OK, but what about the menu? Well, this is interesting. Last weekend I made a trip to Costco, and don’t quote me on this, but a guy who looked a lot like Clooney was buying several trays of hors d’oeuvres, and smoked salmon, and big packages of chicken breasts.

Plus, and this is very insider-ish, I heard him asking the woman with him (Stacy Keibler? Who knows, what with those big sunglasses) if they had plenty of propane for the grill, and how many bags of Doritos should he get?

Also, in a bow to the health-conscious ways of his Hollywood guests, he was stocking up on lite beer!

Hopefully, he has one of those Costco premium memberships so he gets money back.

(There have been reports that Wolfgang Puck will do the catering. But I have a friend who talked to the cousin of one of the guys setting up chairs, and he says don't believe it.)

Now, yes, yes, Joan Rivers fans, I know: What will the guests be wearing?

This is where the guesswork comes in. The president, of course, is likely to stick to the traditional suit (gotta have some place to put the flag pin, after all). The silver screen moguls will probably also go traditional: a sloppy jacket over a white (or black) T-shirt, jeans and sneakers (or sandals or loafers), plus sunglasses. Their wives will prefer something black or white, tight and/or low cut (both the blouse and the jeans). Stilettos, of course. And also sunglasses. Their girlfriends will simply try to wear something sexier than the wives.

It’ll all look like the stuff you buy at Target, except it isn’t -- and it costs 12 times as much.

Socializing? Sure. That is, after the guests arrive. For most, that will be about two hours late. They'll complain about the traffic, not mentioning that they didn't leave the house until an hour after the party was supposed to start.

A few people will chat awkwardly with the president. As the evening wears on, though, most will talk about their favorite subject: themselves. And movies. There will be mean jokes about “John Carter.”

Finally, things will start to wind down. Trysting couples will be shooed out of the bushes. Wives/girlfriends will furtively sneak some last bits of brie, having not eaten all night.

Obama will be whisked away.

And his campaign will be about $15 million richer.