The Ex-Girlfriends 'Congratulate' George

Too funny . Thanks . I needed a good laugh .

Way2, those are awesome.   

Way2 funny .  

Wow, these get harder the more obscure the girlfriends get.

Teri Hatcher

“Hel-”

“It’s me.”

“You’ll have to be more specific.”

“She’s cute, I guess.”

“Who?”

“Your FIANCEE, George. The one you COULDN’T WAIT to announce your relationship with. It must be amazing to have your relationship acknowledged by your significant other.”

(Sighs) “Hi, Teri.”

“Oh, you remember me? Wasn’t sure if you would, since you couldn’t seem to after we broke up.”

“Teri, we went out, like, three times. It’s not considered a break-up to not go out a fourth.”

“We had SIX dates George! SIX! There was that time at Craig’s, that time at Dan Tana’s, that time I spent the night at your house, that time I followed you home from the Warner Brother’s lot, that time I sat outside your office window and watched you eat lunch -”

“You did what?!?!?”

(whispers) “That time I snuck into your house while you were out, hid in your closet till you went to bed, and watched you sleep...”

“TERI!”

“You know what? I’m not ashamed. I’ve done very well for myself, George. You should’ve jumped on this bandwagon when you had the chance.”

“I’m glad you’re happy.”

“I just wrapped a fantastic new film that I expect will do very well. I’m expecting the critical acclaim to be off the charts.”

“What’s it called?”

“...I Brake for Gringos.”

“Well, I definitely look for you at the Oscars next year. Take care, Teri-”

“Wait! (lowers voice) Can I count this as another date?”

“NO, you maniac!”

Slams down phone.

“SEVEN!”

Kimberly Russell

Rin-

"Kim?"

"You could've let the first ring finish, George."

"Wow. What a blast from the past. Is it really you?"

"It's really me, your double dip chocolate trip."

"Oh, come on. Your skin is lighter than mine.

"Not where it counts. Now, speaking of rings --"

"I know. I swore to you I'd never do it. But she really is wonderful. Not that you weren't. But it's time, you know? And she's a catch. You see how all the outlets are saying I'm the one who's marrying up. Not that that bothers me. I'm not sick of it at all."

"Right. Look, that's not why I called."

"You're not the first one today, believe me. Thank you."

"Thank me for what? This isn't a 'congrats on finally growing the fuck up' call. I'm calling to tell you you're a Euro-snob."

"I'm a what? I've never been any kind of snob. Except maybe alcohol. That, I'm particular about."

"A Euro-snob. Especially Brits. Celine the Frenchie got an adios-out-you-go house, and the Italian job barely spoke English. But you always go back to the Brits. And you put a ring on this one."

"Amal is Lebanese."

"I haven't seen her in any 'Beirut Strong' T-shirts. And poor Lucy Lui. She's the Asian, and you're letting Amal take the credit for being the smart one."

"That's vaguely racist."

"I'm vaguely black. I get to do that."

"Kim, it's been great, but it's been a long day."

"I'll bet. But listen, I also wanted to remind you that I still hold the record. So you're kind of obligated to beat that with the woman you marry."

"I don't want to start anything, but you weren't the longest --"

"I mean continuous time before you brought the next one in."

"Oh. Then, okay, yeah."

"And don't forget you came back for seconds."

"No forgetting that. Ever."

"My point, George, is that you're in for five, minimum. Got it? Make it past that, you're gold."

"I never thought about it like that. That's -- Ow. I just got hit with a massive headache... Thanks, Kim, for the insight. Ouch! My back is in spasms. Listen, I have to go."

"Suck it up, George. I went from you to a cameraman, and I've done that gig with a smile on my face for 14 years."

"But you love him."

(Silence)

"Kim, is he at least British?"

These just get funnier and funnier! You two are brilliant. Can't you see these as skits on SNL? And then you'd have the added bonus of meeting George (when he comes after you with a gun)! -    (Actually, I think he'd probably get a laugh out of them.) - Thank you both!   

O.M.G!!!!!  These were FANTASTIC!! The best thread on the forum right now! Way2 & Missy you two are BRILLIANT!!!   

  

janieb wrote:O.M.G!!!!!  These were FANTASTIC!! The best thread on the forum right now! Way2 & Missy you two are BRILLIANT!!!   

Ah thanks Way2old4dis and Missa for the free therapy...feeling much better already about all that hahaha      

Amazing! I'm so glad George has been with so many women that we get to enjoy a few of these! Please see there will be more!. I actually could not decide which when is the best as they are so good! Well done to ye and thank you so much for it

Generic Random Chick

(Flat-voiced) "Hello."

"George. It's --, well, you might not remember my real name, but we went out a few years ago...? You were at a meeting, I danced at that club...?

"Sweetie, you're going to have to be a lot more specific than that."

"I was a model...? Did private dances in the VIP room...? You asked for my number and invited me to your beautiful house that next weekend...?"

(Big sigh) "Hold on."

**Rihanna's Rude Boy plays before a recording comes on**

For actresses, press or say 1. For models, press or say 2. For hyphenates, 3. If you aren't really any of these and just straight up admit what you do for a living, please press or say 4. To hear this menu again, press redial on your phone to start over, and please keep up this time.

"Four.... four... FOUR."

Thank you. Please hold for Mr. Clooney.

"Hi. This is George. I'm really glad you called."

"Oh, George, for a minute there, I thought you weren't --"

"Sorry I can't talk to you now, Please Insert Name Here, but your call is important to me. The time we spent together in Press Menu for Options was special, and I hope you remember it as fondly as I do. Or someone in my camp does. I'm sure Stan keeps records of these things. Anyway, I hope your Please Consult the Menu and Add "ing" career is going well, and Amal and I appreciate your well wishes." {Underlines in electronic voice}

"Son of a bitch! Did he just can-voice me?"

(Second recorded voice, a man, speaking rapid fire) Experiences may vary. All gifts are final. For associates who hooked up with Mr. Clooney after he became Mr. Fucking Clooney, please consult your non-disclosure agreements. For additional details, contact CAA.

"One... One... ONE."

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I'll try to do Lisa Snowden next, but I have to read her thread.

Oh Way2old4dis this is soooooo funny   

Can't wait for Lisa Snowden   

Me thinks we have some professional writers in this thread showing us that we're not worthy!

So many laughs AND so many truths!

Great job Way2 and Missa!

Guys, thanks for the laughs. You have really made me feel better.

Wow, wow, wow, and then some!!

I swear George should hire you guys for speeches during the reception.

Way2Old - How the hell can you top that?!! BRILLIANT!!          

Lisa Snowden

"Hello, love. It's Lisa, ex-girlfriend of George Clooney."

"Um, yeah. You called me. You don't have to do that."

"Sorry. Force of habit. You've been a busy boy, George."

"Yeah, believe me, nobody's more surprised than me."

"I'd take some of that action. Listen, my dear friend, I want to --"

"You don't have to say it. And I hope we can stay friends."

"It's not about that, George. I'm actually in a wager pool on the whole marriage bit, so it would be a conflict of interest for me to use our personal friendship to garner any inside knowledge."

"You're making bets on how long my marriage will last?"

"Er, no, not how long."

(Pause) "Oh."

"So. First, happy birthday."

"Thanks. We're having a couple of small parties. We'll do Amal's friends first. They're a real hoot and a half."

"I recognize your brand of sarcasm, dear. What did Amal get you?"

"Well... Several things, actually. A book, the legal ramifications of private and/or NGO activities in international conflict."

"Sounds... like an interesting subject."

"That's the title."

"Okay..."

"Then there's the framed photo of a United States drone strike target, with a Pakistani kid standing over the body of his dead father."

"How romantic. And thoughtful."

"To be fair, the father did have a missile launcher strapped to his shoulder... Then, she gave me a tie."

"Oh, a tie? Well, at least that's conventional."

"Silk. Expensive as hell, even by my standards. More colors than a pinata in a gay pride parade."

"That would be a new look for you."

"She could have Googled my favorite color. Just sayin'... Lisa...? You still there? What's that clicking sound?"

"Nothing, dear. Just upping my bet. Now, George, the other reason I called. I have a proposal for you."

"Don't use that word around me for a while."

"Different kind. Two words: reality show."

"Are you kidding me? What would make you think either of us would put our lives on display? I mean, besides the staged photos and the pre-written exclusives."

"Not you and Amal, silly. Her family. Colorful lot, aren't they? That mum of hers is a natural. Latter-years Liz Taylor looks, a journalist, and brags more than a Jewish doctor's mother."

"Odd comparison."

"We'd call it Druze Control.

"No."

"What are your suggestions?"

"I mean, no, no show. At all. Ever."

"George, just make the introduction for me."

"Thanks for calling, Lisa."

"Okay, the two of you can come on my show. What do you say? You'd get to dress her the way we all know you like."

"She dresses fine. I happen to think shoulder and arm skin are very sexy."

"Then will you at least do my radio show when you get here?"

"I won't be in London for a while."

"Don't lie to me, George. You're here next week."

"How do you know that?"

"I'm looking at your calendar right now. Baria's got it up on Facebook."

"Amal!"
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Very funny Way2old4dis....This is great. The last part was funny I could vision him screaming AMAL HAHAHAHA

Oh Way for someone who doesn't know much about Lisa Snowden you got her pegged - bravo

That reality show WOULD be a hoot!

And the bets on the marriage not even going forward - ouch! HA!

Thanks so much Missa and Way I sure enjoyed the laughs afteer GTC's shocker, sure we al did. This is the best thread ever.

                    

Thank you! I really wanted a Lisa Snowdon one and you didn't disappoint! Very very funny.