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Post by it's me on Tue 11 Mar 2014, 23:21

Thumbs up! Laughing 
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Post by Joanna on Wed 12 Mar 2014, 09:40

Naked Towel Dance

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FyJySQedevk



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Post by it's me on Wed 12 Mar 2014, 10:03

lool bravo!!
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Post by Joanna on Wed 12 Mar 2014, 19:18

Number 12 !


http://u1144p2125.ilyke.net/if-male-celebrities-wore-makeup/42697/?pid=11
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Post by LizzyNY on Wed 12 Mar 2014, 19:39

OMG! It's George Clowney! (They need to get a better makeup artist or photoshopper.) lol! 
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Post by Joanna on Fri 14 Mar 2014, 14:55


My latest offering from my joke mate.....
We are around the same age.


Should I really join Facebook?
It's a good laugh for people in the over 60 group !!!



When I bought my Smart Phone, I thought about the 20-year business I ran all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my kids, their spouses, my 4 grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the
Blue Tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at K-Mart talking to my wife, and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it,
and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time.
Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me.
She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.
Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Alice, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank Im still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for four years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them.
When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet.
I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humour could handle it.
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are
about all we can handle.








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Post by Joanna on Sat 15 Mar 2014, 15:40

Today's offering from my joke mate......



SENIORS & COMPUTERS..........


As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have
trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away,I called after him,
'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need
to fix it again.'

Eric grinned...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,'he said' and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little PRICK.


If you're not a Senior yet,
maybe send this to someone who is ?
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Post by Carla97 on Sat 15 Mar 2014, 16:05

Laughed at both of the last ones  Laughing 
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Post by Joanna on Sat 15 Mar 2014, 16:15

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Img_1712
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Post by Joanna on Sat 15 Mar 2014, 16:16

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Img_1713
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Post by it's me on Sat 15 Mar 2014, 17:07

tiger Edna  Shocked 
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Post by Joanna on Sun 16 Mar 2014, 15:49


Little Johnny was playing outside with Sam and then went inside to ask his grandma a question:
"What's that thing called where people sleep in the same room and on top of each other?" He asked.

"Well, I'm a little taken aback by your question, Johnny, but that's called sexual intercourse," she reluctantly answered.
He skipped outside but came back some
three minutes later.
He said to Grandma, "Grammy, it's called bunk beds.

And Sam's mom wants a word."
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Post by Joanna on Sun 16 Mar 2014, 16:08

LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass".
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks
the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts,
"You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can
bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"..

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Post by Joanna on Mon 17 Mar 2014, 17:15

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam.

The last question was,
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.


And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
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Post by it's me on Mon 17 Mar 2014, 17:18

lol !!!!
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Post by Joanna on Mon 17 Mar 2014, 17:23

Video....

Dog not allowed on the bed, but hidden camera captures his defiance.

http://wimp.com/dogbed/
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Post by it's me on Mon 17 Mar 2014, 17:34

thanks Jo
I need some laughs Very Happy
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Post by LornaDoone on Tue 18 Mar 2014, 04:37

Found this on that site that Joanna linked above.  Fascinating behind the scenes video at the Oscars.

www.wimp.com/oscaracceptance/
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Post by Nicky80 on Tue 18 Mar 2014, 07:51

WOW, that was funny interesting  Razz
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Post by Joanna on Tue 18 Mar 2014, 08:25

Thanks Lorna, good find.
How does that chap survive the rest of the year
without all that adrenalin ? Lol
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Post by it's me on Tue 18 Mar 2014, 08:52

oh fantastic  flower 

how many cameras do they have!?!
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Post by pattygirl on Tue 25 Mar 2014, 21:20

THE BLONDE MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED.............................

---------------------------------
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday
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Post by Joanna on Thu 27 Mar 2014, 18:31


Men !!

Man said to wife "All right you sexy thing,
bedroom now."

She looked at him and said, "Ooh, you kinky bastard."

He said, "No, seriously, the footy’s about to start,
piss off!”


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Post by LizzyNY on Thu 27 Mar 2014, 19:27

YAY! Joanna, you're back! Very Happy 
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Post by Carla97 on Fri 28 Mar 2014, 11:24

"Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics."
–David Letterman

"After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.'"
–Conan O'Brien

"Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us."
–David Letterman

"Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 70 percent of U.S. students still couldn't find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, 'Soon nobody will.'"
–Seth Meyers

"Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that's up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless."
–Conan O'Brien

"Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, 'What am I supposed to do? He's president.'"
–Jimmy Fallon

"NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for asylum in Russia, but Vladimir Putin is against it. You know, if Snowden really wants to stay in Russia he should just speak out against Putin. He'll get to stay in Russia the rest of his life."
–Jay Leno


"Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was."
–Jay Leno
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Post by Joanna on Sat 29 Mar 2014, 11:23

Top 15 Country Songs


15 If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
14 If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
13 How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
12 I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
11 I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
10 I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
9 I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8 I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
7 If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
6 My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
5 She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
4 You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
3 Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
2 She's Looking Better After Every Beer
1 I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.
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Post by Carla97 on Sat 29 Mar 2014, 11:57

LOL, Good list, must be real.
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Post by melbert on Sat 29 Mar 2014, 13:47

From the Games thread:

Re: Have You Ever ?
Post by Carla97 Today at 6:34 am

Must be! But no. (I had to google word "towed" meaning…never heard it before)

So, have you ever
wonder why something is called what it is in English language? Like the time when the traffic is very slowest is called rush-hour?  Smile

So, I found this site that lists a gazillion oxymorons!!  Really cool!!!


http://www.oxymoronlist.com/
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Post by pippilotta on Wed 02 Apr 2014, 08:40

From a postcard sent by a good friend to me:
https://s98.photobucket.com/user/pippilotta06/library/?view=recent&page=1
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Post by Carla97 on Wed 02 Apr 2014, 09:48

Good one thanks Melbert, I have used awfully nice and awfully good a lot  Laughing 
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Post by pattygirl on Wed 02 Apr 2014, 22:48





As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

"Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.




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Post by it's me on Wed 02 Apr 2014, 23:24

bad boy !!!
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Post by Joanna on Thu 03 Apr 2014, 00:07

Good one patty...keep 'em coming !
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Post by Joanna on Fri 04 Apr 2014, 21:47

Oooooops....don't cheat on your boy friend !


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6LuHlGXwKfY


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Post by it's me on Fri 04 Apr 2014, 22:34

well....
it's me
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Post by theminis on Sat 05 Apr 2014, 02:15



LMAO
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Post by Joanna on Wed 16 Apr 2014, 18:16

My joke mate just sent me this....

Oh Dear...it could be me. Lol
It's a good job I bank online !



A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
 
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
 
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
 
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
as they would go and announced;  "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
 
The fat woman turned around and glared
at the little boy. 
 
The mother gave him a good telling off,
and told him to be quiet. 
 
After a brief lull, the large woman reached
the front of the queue. 
 
Just then her pager began to emit a
"beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out,
"Run for your f*****g life,
she's reversing!!"

 
 
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Post by Joanna on Mon 21 Apr 2014, 23:12

An interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas...

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit.
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Post by playfuldeb on Sun 27 Apr 2014, 04:43

Help, a spider !! (For saome reason I cant get the video to show so here's the link



https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/8160036352/h7AF8B37F/
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Post by LizzyNY on Sun 27 Apr 2014, 04:47

Playfuldeb - How cute! Thank you for taking my mind off "the news". Smile 
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Post by Joanna on Mon 28 Apr 2014, 11:39

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Img_0419
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Post by Joanna on Mon 28 Apr 2014, 11:40

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Img_0420
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Post by Joanna on Mon 28 Apr 2014, 11:42

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Img_0617
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Post by Joanna on Mon 28 Apr 2014, 11:55

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Img_0422
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Post by Joanna on Wed 30 Apr 2014, 09:44

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 65208_10
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Post by Joanna on Wed 30 Apr 2014, 09:56

Looking for pastures new ?


JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Nursin10
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Post by playfuldeb on Wed 30 Apr 2014, 21:05

OK, now I know I am to post this one (been waiting)

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 <a href=JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 16 Feel_010" />
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Post by Nicky80 on Wed 30 Apr 2014, 21:28

affraid affraid affraid Shocked Shocked Shocked 

Ok will remember that
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Post by LizzyNY on Wed 30 Apr 2014, 22:46

LOL! Joanna, I guess things could be worse after all. affraid 
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Post by Joanna on Fri 02 May 2014, 14:23

Text received by a Dad from his young daughter...

I was just at the gas station
and a woman driving a Lexus,
drinking a Starbucks and
bitching about the price of gas,
on her gold iPhone,
was at the next pump.

Long story short...
I need bail money.
xx
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