JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

This isn't really a joke, but I giggled my butt off!

ET had pictures of Jennifer, Matthew and Jared for their premiere and there was a little typo... I SWEAR I did NOT type it myself, I took it directly from the note beside the picture!!!!


"'Dallas Buyers Club' Members
October 18, 2013

Jennifer Garner shit the red carpet with her male co-stars Matthew McConaughey and Jared Leto for the premiere of their movie The Dallas Buyers Club in Beverly Hills, Calif. on Oct. 17."

brahahahahahahahahahahaha !!!!

A lady caled Andrea found out that her dog
(a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair"
hair remover.

At the checkout, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, don't ride your bicycle
for about a week."

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.

Sign here."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

lol!

Joanna wrote:

 

  


 

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

oh my!


(btw when guns went into 'school relatet' questions?
isn't it scaring ...?)

Guns are scary. But I´m kind of used to what little boys talk... 

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"

"I did what you did at the last house.
I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."

loooool !!!  

Funny, the vicar  

Magic

Two guys, a tall guy and a short guy, go into a pastry shop.
The tall guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.

The tall guy says to the short guy:
"You see how clever we tall guys are?
You short guys can never beat that!"

The short guy says to the tall guy guy:
"Watch this, a short guy is always smarter than a tall guy."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I'll show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which short guy promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick.

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The short guy eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"

The short guy says:
"Look in the tall guy's pocket!"

Here I am,
what are your other 2 wishes?  

(i´m in a playful mood, must go to the games section next...)

lol !

Good one playful !

Some very funny wedding videos here   


http://likes.com/comedy/15-reasons-not-to-get-married-just-yet?pid=106039&utm_source=mylikes&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=ml&utm_term=28355157

why the naked one???

A Miscenally of One Liners

I made my girlfriend’s dreams come true and married her in a castle.
You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were
bouncing around!

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know.
She really is as sexy as hell; secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with
no sense of humour!!

Took the other half to a Disco last night.
There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing back flips, moonwalking, the works. The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down."
I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating."

The Queen's royal corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at the Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for him.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy.
He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says, "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks, "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies, "No I only live round the corner."

hahahahaha!!!

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie” with their 8 -year old son in the flat
was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their romantic plan into operation;

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’
he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are in bed having sex!

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony
eating a Mars Bar"

oh my!!!!!

ON GEOPOLITICS


"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."

-- Jerry Hall

I must be tired, because this makes me laugh.

Sorry to all the Moms.......but I do
think this is funny !!

That´s funny, how cruel, poor kids  

no
Infact NOT FUNNY AT ALL
CRUEL STUPID PARENTS


it's like going to one and say
'your car was just stolen'


oh nooo, it was a joke!




funny, sure  

I did think my car had been stolen once.....but I'd gone to the wrong car park...!!
It was funny eventually. Lol

I also had a hub cap stolen from my Opel car.....and two days later it was returned. I assumed it didn't fit the car that the thief wanted it for.Lol

Not really a joke but not sure where else to put it.

Drawing a woman from the inside out

http://fcmx.net/vec/get.swf?i=003702

wow! my Etch-a-Sketch never drew like that!!!

A fifteen year old Amish girl and her mother were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The girl asked, 'What is this mother ?'
The mother (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'I have never seen anything like this in my life, dear, I don't know what it is.'

While the girl and her mother were watching with amazement, a fat old man in a motorized chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 30 year-old tall dark & handsome guy stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter....

'Go get your Father'

Joanna laughed my ass off on that joke. Too cute!

 

I received stupid funny clips today. Damn, can´t put it here too offensive I think.

Just got a Jehovah's Witness Advent calendar.

Every time you open a door,

someone tells you to f**k off !

FATHER BUYS A LIE DETECTOR ROBOT THAT SLAPS PEOPLE WHEN THEY LIE

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Here is old age at its best

Sam and Russ, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail!" cried Sam; "What in the world for?"

"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;
and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty."

"The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"

Hey patty girl....good one....
So, where can I buy that robot ??

oh my LOL the lie detector robot!

Trapping people at IKEA prank.

http://wimp.com/ikeaprank/

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not a single hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some folks think t

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulledout her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

great one Joanna!