JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

@it's me wrote:At ay ay ....

Your lost pic Jo? What was about?

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
 
 
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
 
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
 
 
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” 
So I took her to Bunning’s.
 
  
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.
 
 
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. 
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
 
  
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. 
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. 
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
  
 
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip.
“I need to be punished.” 
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
 
  
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” 
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
  
 
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. 
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
 
  
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
  
 
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. 
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
  
 
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” 
She nodded. 
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
 
  
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” 
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

Jewish daughter says to her mother, 
"I'm divorcing Irv. All he Wants is sex, sex
and more sex. 
My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece." 

Her mother says, ...

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 Bedroom mansion,
you drive a £350,000 Ferrari.

You get £3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away..... 

..... over 45 pence?"

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true. 

Not so sure LoL

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. ...

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. 

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. 
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. 

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience
he had just had. 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't even drunk. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Frank... there's that idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it !"