JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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oh my!

oh my!

LOOOL

was it you
VI?

yep

Lol playful....love the second one !

Vi wrote:yep

your lil

> Children Writing About the Ocean.
>
> 1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly, age
> 6 )
>
> 2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
>
> 3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
> have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
>
> 4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
> Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
>
> 5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
> (Billy, age
>
> 6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
> pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
>
> 7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
> the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
>> to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
>> better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
>
> - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
> and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
> Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
>
> 9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
> always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
>> just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
>
> 10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
> can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
> think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
>
> 11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
> makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
>
> 12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
>> go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age
>
> 13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
> was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
> right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
>
> 14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
> drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
>
> 15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
> ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my
> mom. (James, age 7)

From the Sept. edition of Reader's Digest:



"Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?



Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses. Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale."


It's not aging, it's the door! Whew! Thank goodness for studies.

I like it patty...I like it

PattyGirl!! The door theory is so true! When I go to the grocery store, the automatic door suck my list right out of my head. I lovingly call those doors "list suckers"!!!!

MISINTERPRETATION...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two
very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents,
so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two
whales from Ireland?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

Cindigirl

hehehe

I was visiting my little grand-daughter last night when I asked if I could
borrow a newspaper.


'This is the 21st century, Pops,' she said. 'We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'


I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...

too funny PattyGirl! and sadly, too true. I love the feel and the smell of a good, old-fashioned newspaper!!!

LOOOL Patty!!!

well
the old newsp is fascinating
but the digital one is
so fast!

Cindygirl That was so funny! You don´t mind if I borrow it sometime, if I get a chance to?

Confucius, He say..."Never Trust a Fart"

*giggle, giggle, snort, snort, , giggle*

Best in Category wrote:Cindygirl That was so funny! You don´t mind if I borrow it sometime, if I get a chance to?

Sure no problem. I stole it from my girlfriend.

This is my next boyfriend. LOL

Senior pick-up line..........
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, a flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

You Know You're From California If...


You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

Gas costs $2.50 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney
really IS George Clooney.

Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
You can't remember . . . .is pot illegal?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."
You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their smart phones and iPods.

It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

Both you AND your dog have therapists.
The Terminator is your governor.

cindigirl wrote:This is my next boyfriend. LOL

Senior pick-up line..........
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, a flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

This one made me laugh sooo much! Was I the only one visualising an elderly George in this joke?

Good ones

Senior pick up ?
Dear ole Jack Nicholson came into my vision.

Hour Long Flight delay

The jetliner abruptly stopped on the tarmac, turned around and 
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. 



A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the 
problem?" 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," 
explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

playfuldeb wrote:
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I'm laughing at all the posts, but this picture is toooo cute.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen,' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell,' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness,' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when
> he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the
> nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse
> about 50 Feet behind the first one.
>
>
>
> Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a
> leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were more than 200 men
> walking single file.
>
> The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss,
> and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
> Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
>
> "My wife's."
>
> ''What happened to her?"
>
>
> "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
>
> He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
>
> The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
> wife when the dog turned on her."
>
> A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
> passed between the two men..
>
> "Can I borrow the dog?"
>
> The man replied, "Get in line."

LOOOOOL!!!

The story of Walter.

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
“Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions":

First, "Why did the U.S.A. Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?"

Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then
said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time.

Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama
points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds. "And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have two questions:

First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"

Second, "What happened to Walter?"

Oh PattyGirl! Funny as usual. How are you feeling?

Hey, Mel!
Feeling pretty good. Getting around with my cane. Can't wait till I can drive again and go down to basement and do my own wash. Some things are just a drag. (For basement, am waiting for my son to add a stair rail on left side of stairs as I need 2 rails to go up and down.) Have 2 rails to go upstair to bedroom (compliments of my last broken hip.) Getting old sucks! But I can't really complain, I'm still moving.

Good girl! Keep on truckin'!!!!!

This is what happens when you get lost in translation:

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man
drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:
"Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine
haben in ihm geschissen!"
(translation: "Don't drink the water. The cows & pigs have
shit in it!")

The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand,
nor do I care to understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands,
you'll get more!"

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in
the movie theatre.

When the usher noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The old man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient and said,. "Sir, if you don't get up
from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment
he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried to move the old, disheveled man,
but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the old man moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,
Fred replied, "The balcony."

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as:
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago,
and I'm scared to death to ask that cranky old asshole
what his name is.'

oh-o....

ROFL Joanna - so THAT'S the secret to a long marriage!!!!

A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on anexpansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.

In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to blockthe bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.

About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it tothe ground!

Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about
"the power of prayer".

The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the
church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,
through direct actions or indirect means."

Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying:

"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the
paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now
believes in the power of prayer .....
and an entire church congregation that does not."

> > BRITISH AL Q'AEDA TO GO ON STRIKE
> > Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
> >
> > The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
> >
> > The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."
> >
> > Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
> >
> > Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

strictly British kind humor
I guess....

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Italian jokes

Berlusconi told reporters: “According to a survey, when asked if they would like to have sex with me, 30 per cent of women said ‘Yes’ while the other 70 per cent replied ‘What, again?’ ”

*********
A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."



The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

*********
How come Italian's don't like Jehovah witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses

You all have a great sense of humor