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I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

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I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 04 2011, 03:27

[quote]GEORGE CLOONEY split with his stunning girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis last month, proving once again he's hard to pin down.

The Italian was the latest in a long line of beautiful women who he has loved and left, including French nursery teacher Celine Balitran, British model Lisa Snowdon and American waitress Sarah Lawson.

But Oscar-winner George, 50, says after his divorce from US actress Talia Balsam in 1993 he vowed never to marry again.

He is a non-stop worker who has raised millions to fund charity work in Darfur and to help victims of earthquakes and tsunamis. He recently filmed science fiction thriller Gravity in Britain with Sandra Bullock.

Here he speaks to GARTH PEARCE about what he wished he'd known at 18.

"I WISH I had known then that I was not the marrying kind. Some people aren't. I am one of them.

Ladies' man ... George Clooney

Yet I did marry. I loved and adored the woman I married but it was not enough.

We had gone out for a long time and I was not prepared to face up to the fact you need to work at a marriage.

I was 28 and not as tolerant as I should have been. I should not have put myself - or her - in that situation.

Divorce meant failure. My parents had muscled through tough times in their marriage so it was not as if I had not been set a good example.

I went in to therapy for the first and only time in my life after the marriage was over. I found out you can use therapy to justify pretty much anything.

They will say: "You are not wrong to feel that way." Sometimes, you just want them to say: "You are a real jerk."

I have probably worked harder at friendships than I did my marriage. I am still friends with the same group of guys I had 25 to 30 years ago. They have their own lives and jobs and families. But we get together every Sunday if I am at home in Los Angeles.

The families come over, we play basketball, we watch a movie.

If I'm away working, then we don't meet up. That's just the way it is. None of them ever say: "Why didn't you call?"

I also wish I had known at 18 how hard it is to have a private life at the same time as a movie career.

I love working. I love being on a film set, trying to make something special. It is a very selfish life.

It means my relationships seem to last between two and three years. At that point, these independent women think it is time to call it a day. They see me travelling around, putting work first, writing, directing, acting. It seems I never stop. I don't blame them for wanting more from a relationship.

Another thing I wish I'd known at 18 is that I would eventually enjoy success. I wanted success early, like most of us, and was impatient when it didn't happen.

But I don't think I would have been able to handle it when I was younger. I would have been in some opium den, with hair in my eyes.

Two lessons stick in my mind from when I was young. One was what happened to my aunt, the singer Rosemary Clooney. She was a very big jazz star in 1950 and by 1955 it was over. She was 24 and washed up because rock 'n' roll started and jazz disappeared.

She didn't become less of a singer but she did not understand the reasons, became a nut for 20 years, took every drug known to man and had a nervous breakdown, before she finally got her act together. I learned from her story that when everybody says how great you are, take it with a grain of salt.

Another lesson came from my Uncle George, who was one of my best friends and a big influence in my life. He found out on a Friday he had lung cancer and died the next Friday. He was a star basketball player, flew B-17 bombers in the Second World War and was my Aunt Rosemary's manager. But he became a drunk.

I learned a lot about death because I spent his dying days with him. He was sitting on his bed, 68 years old, and said: "What a waste."

I don't know if he was talking about the smoking that destroyed his lungs or the heavy drinking or life in general.

But I came to the conclusion that I was not going to wake up one day in my 60s and say: "What a waste." I was going to grab as much out of this life as I could.

And one thing I've learned over the years? However successful you are, you can't have it all."

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/3674872/George-Clooney-What-I-wish-Id-known-at-18.html#ixzz1R6DkUogc


Last edited by Cinderella on Mon Jul 04 2011, 05:07; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typ0)

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by LornaDoone on Mon Jul 04 2011, 03:36

Pretty sad commentary that he takes one failure and uses it as an excuse never to really try again. He's going to die a sad old man cause in the end he WILL be alone.

George has many great qualities but he has put his career above every relationship with a woman he has had. What's fascinating though is how he admits he has put more work into his friendships with his buddies than his relationships. Why? Because the guys don't ask him why he doesn't call when he's been working and they don't get together? WTF?

So even though he has the capacity to make a relationship work, he chooses not to. Talk about a "his way or the highway" type of mentality!

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 04 2011, 03:47

Thanks Cinderella for this article!!!
Lorna, as hard as it is to understand his ideas on personal life, I totally get it. I've learnt the same thing, but in a different way.

I gave too much to relationships and I finally realized I could not expect anything from anyone. Also, I could not understand why someone wanted to change me in something I was not...
I heard time and time again from my friends that I focused too much in work, but work is where I feel the happiest. Who knows? maybe one day I will find someone who will make it work, but I honestly don't count on it. Some find it the right balance, some others don't for different reasons.

People are so afraid of getting old or dying alone, but you know if you have a great family and true friends you shouldn't worry about that. I guess George is just fine as he is. If one day he meets someone who is right for him, I hope he will be ready for this person.


Last edited by LouisLane on Mon Jul 04 2011, 03:49; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : added info)

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by watching on Mon Jul 04 2011, 11:13

I get it. I have very little interest in getting married as I don't meet potential partners who have the same viewpoint on marraige as I do. I have a really good example in my folks. I know that they work at it, they drive each other mad on a regular basis and they still, 47 years later, adore each other and enjoy each other's company the majority of the time. They are in it for the long haul. That's what I want. Men that I meet don't seem as invested in working at it long term. They want fun and uncomplicated. And when it stops being easy, they are out the door. And this is not just men. The number of women I have met who up and left because they didn't want to have to compromise or work at it, to me, is staggering. Divorce is so very easy now. Which is great for people in bad or abusive relationships. But it also provides the get out quick with little or no fuss option.

But what percentage of people who wed nowdays (under the age of 35 - yes, I am generalising) focus on working at the relationship after they get the ring on the finger? So many people see marriage as the end goal and not the start of a new chapter? Divorce rates within the first two years of marriage are sky high. A lot of people have found themselves in the exact same situation as George. People seem to focus more on the actual wedding than on what being married is, means and how they, as a family, will move forward together whilst respecting two different . If people put as much thought, effort and time into the marriage as they did planning the wedding, then a lot of marriages would be in better shape.

He admits he got married because he thought that's what you do when you are 28 and have been with someone that you love for a period of time. That isn't a great start. It's not making a choice to spend the rest of your life with someone through the good, the bad and the mundane.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by melbert on Mon Jul 04 2011, 13:28

I agree with the marriage thing Watching. I think that George did feel pressure (maybe from family and friends) to marry and as he stated, he didn't realize you had to work at marriage. I can't even imagine the "limelight factor" in a celebrity marriage and also the competition between the actor couple. But, I found it interesting that in his quotes about work and friends (even though I've seen and heard these quotes many times over the years), there appears to be more "love" in those words than the words he uses for his failed relationships. I don't think that George is selfish in not wanting marriage or a super-long relationship, maybe just realistic. I don't believe that he overly "tries" to make any relationship work, as he doesn't want it to. We know that if he wants a short-term thing to satisfy some "needs", he can and does do that (I know, I guess I'm assuming). But, I do think he's a workaholic and finds times to rest and relax, and apparently that's what he needs. I'm not hoping he finds "The One", as I don't believe he wants that. He has to do for himself, not what everyone thinks he should do.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 04 2011, 13:36

Thank you Watching and Melbert! That's exactly what is happening these days. I do feel the pressure as well to get married since 98% of my friends are married and have kids. I also have seen some of my friends getting divorce because the husbands didn't want to work out their issues. Anyway, George keep doing what you're doing. There's no need to explain yourself! "don't worry, be happy" Whistle


ps: Happy Fourth of July everyone in US!


Last edited by LouisLane on Mon Jul 04 2011, 13:37; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : added info)

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by LornaDoone on Mon Jul 04 2011, 18:44

I do agree that too often people put more work into "THE WEDDING" than they do in picking the right person in the first place! And too many have an unrealistic expectation of what marriage entails.

There are always going to be issues in marriage but I think those that cannot be fixed are based on having chosen the wrong person in the first place (or in the case of some -- of having been lied to by the other person so that you never saw the real person till long after the wedding anyway).

Too often couples are together because they put too much emphasis on the physical too quickly. Women need to be especially wary of jumping into bed with a guy too quickly, not because of any old-fashioned sensibilities but, because of that pesky little hormone that makes a woman emotionally bind to a man after having sex with him. Sure makes one understand how women can continue to stay with an abusive guy - long after everyone else sees that he's bad news for her!

So the trick is finding the person who you find interesting and vice versa - and wants to be in a long term relationship. I guess that starts with really spending the time with them in the beginning that's needed to determine if you really do have similar interests and similar values (i.e. morals, monetary, religious - or not, etc.)

I guess George knows he's never going to put that kind of time into a relationship but I still think it's sad. That he prefers to put the majority of his energies into his work and living a life of two or three year relationships is also sad.

He mentions his parents had tough times. As much as we see Nick and Nina as an exemplary couple for long term relationships, perhaps the cost of that (at least during George's formative years) may have been more than even he realized.

I had parents who loved each other but were truly mismatched and it caused years of fighting. Of course that affected how I relate in relationships. And I've left relationships where conflicts started fearing that I would end up in a relationship like my parents.

But now I spend more time getting to know the person before I even contemplate if they could be someone I might want to spend the rest of my life with. I still haven't found the right one but I'm getting better at not wasting too much time with the wrong ones!

I used to put a lot of energy into my work but not any more; cause at the end of a long and stressful day, I can't cuddle with my work! It won't sit beside me in front of a fire and caress my hair and tell me tomorrow will be a better day.

So the only thing I can say is that everyone has their priorities and everyone has a different view of what success in a relationship entails.

I guess I see George as someone who has a lot to offer( and I don't mean his money or his villa or his lifestyle). I think George "the person" has more capacity than maybe even he gives himself credit for to have a good marriage.

We've all read how so many of his exes say he's so great during the relationship. I just think it's sad that he doesn't want to put out the same amount of energy into finding a person to spend the rest of his life with as he puts into his work cause at the end of the day, that cold little Oscar statue isn't going to laugh at his jokes or cuddle with him in front of the fire either!




Last edited by LornaDoone on Mon Jul 04 2011, 18:48; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : typo)

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by cindigirl on Mon Jul 04 2011, 18:49

Very well said Lorna. I got married Way to young (just turned 22) and lived to regret. Yes, I married for looks and sex which is just not enough for a healthy marriage. IMO

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by cindigirl on Mon Jul 04 2011, 18:53

p.s. I did get two great looking kids out of it though.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by lelacorb on Mon Jul 04 2011, 21:00

Love can be experienced only by those who have courage and George does not have the courage to confront another person. I think when the other person stops to consider the "STARE" but only a man he runs.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 04 2011, 22:33

Love can be experienced only by those who have courage and George does not have the courage to confront another person.

WTF are you smoking? love = courage to confront another person? Say wha? Weird

Are you trying to say that love is about drama? Noooo!

I am afraid the next things you'll say are: Pain is love and I'll never walk alone (Eli 's tacky tattoos) Titanic Love3

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by LornaDoone on Mon Jul 04 2011, 22:44

louislane I took lelacorb's comment to mean that you have to have courage to work things out. I think she may have used confront when perhaps she meant engage with - and what I mean is that if there is a conflict, for instance, that George doesn't have the courage to stay and work on the conflict.

And yes, I also believe that it does take courage because if you care for someone there is always the fear that a disagreement might make the other want to leave the relationship. So instead of working on the issue and perhaps the feelings that each are going to experience George may find it easier to just move on from the relationship.

Also LouisLane, I think lelacorb's first language is not English (I may be wrong but that's what I thought) so maybe that's why she used that word. JMO


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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by Guest on Mon Jul 04 2011, 22:51

Thanks Lorna for your explanation, even for me that English is not my first language, what Lela said made no sense. But I get your explanatation.

I don't know if he doesn't have the courage, didn't he support Eli throughout a bunch of BS? I guess if the women he dated respected his privacy of not talking about their private life in public and not pressure for marriage/kids, his approach would be another one. Don't they all know he is an workaholic?

Brings me back to the fact people are never satisfy with what they have, N E V E R!!!!

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by sisieq on Tue Jul 05 2011, 01:06

LouisLane wrote:I don't know if he doesn't have the courage, didn't he support Eli throughout a bunch of BS?
Not really, IMHO. In the background he may have hired a lawyer (as a source reported in one of the recent articles I posted), but not in public. Sources have been quoted he wanted to end it a few months ago, but didn't know how. I take that to mean he didn't want to be associated with her, her scandals, and her famewhoring and that EC is not the type you just break up with.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by melbert on Tue Jul 05 2011, 02:26

Somebody already gave you a "+" Sisieq, but consider this another.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by watching on Sat Jul 09 2011, 09:32

Just to help Georgie out a little. This is written from the man's perspective (clearly) and it is a bit lame in spots but George needs to start out small...... I've bolded the couple that I like.

45 steps to a happy marriage
Tim Rozgonyi July 8, 2011


Tips for a happy relationship ... forgive, forget, listen and always argue naked.

What is the best thing to say to two young newlyweds starting a life together?

Well, given that marriage is just about the biggest, scariest and most amazing commitment one can ever make (second to having children, of course), perhaps it would be good for this father of a newly minted bride to share some words of wisdom from people who have been married for years.

- If you think she's beautiful, tell her.

- Make dinner together. Eat dinner together. Go to bed together.

- Your fantasy life should revolve around your wife, not your football team.

- Life is short. Say "I love you" at least once every day.

- The more time you spend trying to change your spouse, the less time you have for improving yourself.

- One of the sexiest things you can do in bed is to serve your spouse a nice breakfast.

- Talk to each other, not at each other. And really listen.

- It doesn't matter what you think you're fighting about. It always comes down to a choice between fear and love. Choose wisely.

- Write this into your wedding vows: "I promise to faithfully replace the toilet paper whenever I use the last of it."

- Do things together. Do things apart.

- Career, personal goals and family are important, but nothing is more important than your relationship.

- The cruelest question you can ask a husband: "Notice anything different?"

- Be your spouse's biggest cheerleader.

- If you've truly forgiven your spouse for something, you'll never bring it up again.

- Your wife doesn't need to know that you think that chick across the street has a great figure. (Not that there's anything wrong with noticing.)

- Be spontaneously ridiculous and unabashedly silly. Make your spouse laugh. It nourishes your souls.

- No one person can give you everything you need.

- If he forgets your anniversary, don't freak out about it. If he forgets your name, do.

- "What can I do for you, honey?"

- He's not a mind reader. If you want him to know what you're thinking or feeling, you have to tell him.

- If you make your kids the centre of your universe, there's going to be one massive black hole when they finally grow up and leave.

- Recognise your spouse's weaknesses, but focus on the strengths.

- If you always have to win the argument, you'll eventually lose the relationship.

- Only if she asks: "No, honey, that dress isn't very flattering." (Not: "It makes you look fat.")

- Find someone to talk to about your marriage, but never talk your spouse down to anyone.

- When you finally realise your spouse is as flawed and messed up as you are, you can leave the rose-coloured fantasy behind and start building a real adult relationship.

- If your wife suddenly starts tanning and exercising a lot, might as well call the lawyer now. (This one came from a recently divorced friend.)

- Every little disagreement doesn't have to snowball into a discussion about "the relationship".

- It's actually OK to go to bed angry sometimes, as long as you agree to discuss it in the morning.

- She's your wife, not your mummy. Clean up after yourself.

- It's not your job to make your spouse happy. (It's not possible, either.)

- Appreciate the love your spouse has for you. It's not something you're entitled to. It's something you earn.

- When he says, "You might have a point there, honey", what he's leaving out is "if you weren't so full of crap".

- Create your own traditions for the holidays.

- Sharing your secrets (and hopes and fears) is the secret to true intimacy.

- Want to get lucky tonight? Do a load of laundry, start to finish.

- Listen to other people's advice, but make your own choices.

- Argue naked. It's guaranteed to keep a minor disagreement from turning into a big fight.

- Random expressions of love and affection are the best ones. (Foot rubs count double. Feet are gross!)

- Being selfish and being in love are incompatible.

- Just because you know where someone's buttons are doesn't mean you have to push them.

- If your dog gets more snuggle time in bed with your wife than you do, you're in trouble.

- Money is something to talk about, not fight about.

- When all is said and done, you can hang onto your pride or you can hang onto your relationship.

- And, finally, here's a great one from Ogden Nash. "To keep your marriage brimming / with love in the wedding cup / whenever you're wrong, admit it / whenever you're right, shut up."

Link to article

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by melbert on Sat Jul 09 2011, 14:36

Actually, I think he got alot of them right!

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

Post by lucy on Sat Jul 09 2011, 14:44

@No one person can give you everything, one of my favs, I liked a lot on this list, after thirty years of marriage wish I would of read it back in the day, might of had a happier marriage if I had. Thanks watching, you do come up with some interesting info.

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Re: I didn’t realize you have to work at a marriage

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