How to avoid a commitment phobic guys

From Times of India
How to avoid a commitment-phobic guy

Lata SrinivasanLata Srinivasan | Jun 27, 2011, 02.08pm IST

George Clooney, Hugh Grant and Al Pacino have played some of the best lovers on screen but in real life have not gotten close to tying the knot!

Self-confessed bachelors who prefer dating to being committed to one woman, these men are not just in Hollywood but even around you.

So how do you know when a guy is not going to commit? Firstly, he would have a string of ex-girlfriends but no ex-wife. Most often, these men are good-looking and love to hook up with beautiful women. They can be fun with a great sense of humour, charming and suave. But will they say 'I do'? Not likely.

Men who are commitment-phobic live the good life – they have luxurious holidays, eat at the best of places, dress like Brad Pitt and can woo you like no man has. And it's then that alarm bells should start ringing. You both may date for months and he won't be willing to take it to the next level. He will also prefer to hang out with his friends than you. He may also say he loves his time with you but when you check, he hardly spends time with you!

And if you are insecure, then so is he. You may wonder why he has so many women friends he continues to hang out with; he, on the other hand, will continue to party with them and still believe that everything is about him and you are there to boost him up.

If you find these traits in a man that you have been seeing, then it's best you move on before he does!

From the daily mail

How to spot a man who won't commit (and why women should run a mile!)By Dr Pam Spurr

Last updated at 11:57 PM on 26th June 2011

Comments (63) Add to My Stories Share Just days after George Clooney’s girlfriend, TV presenter Elisabetta Canalis, told an Italian magazine she wanted marriage and children, her beau appears to have ended their two-year relationship.

Meanwhile, Hollywood actor Owen Wilson is said to have split from Jade Duell, the mother of his five-month-old son, reportedly because, at the age of 42, he’s ‘not ready to commit’.

It might have come as a shock to Jade and Elisabetta, but sadly, as a relationship expert, I could have seen it coming a mile off. Wilson and Clooney are classic commitment-phobes.

Parted company: Elisabetta Canalis couldn't change George Clooney's ways
Even their exit strategies are the typical behaviour of a commitment-shy man. All too often, an obsession with being in charge in the relationship goes hand in hand with a reluctance to commit.

Men such as Wilson and Clooney, Simon Cowell and Hugh Grant maintain control over every aspect of their life. Their work, time with their friends and interests are all carefully factored in.

So when a woman’s feelings start running too deep or a baby demands too much of their time, they no longer fit neatly with his expectations.

Clooney’s famous former girlfriends include Lisa Snowdon, Renee Zellweger and Mariella Frostrup. You’d have thought any one of these beautiful, talented, financially independent women would have fitted the bill, but this list is the proof he’ll never settle down.

One of the clearest signs of a non-committer is a procession of lovely exes. Yet that was one sign my divorced friend Jane, 46, didn’t heed when she was introduced to handsome solicitor Robert, 47.

She described him as delectable, attentive and flirtatious. Little wonder she fell for him. Over drinks, we’d have long, girly chats about Robert, but alarm bells rang when Jane started mentioning his various exes.

I worried he enjoyed female company a bit too much, so I asked if he had been through an awful lot of women. Initially, Jane wouldn’t have it, but a year later when their relationship failed to deepen from dating, she challenged him. In the course of that conversation, he finished with her — he couldn’t get out of the door fast enough.

It’s hard to filter out men with commitment issues. If you’re in your 40s, it’s frequently the commitment-phobes who are single. And they’re often attractive, possess a certain je ne sais quoi and are good in bed — they’ve had practice!

The ex-factor: George Clooney has dated bright and beautiful women like Renee Zellweger, left, and Lisa Snowdon but even they didn't fit the bill - a sure sign of his inability to commit

It’s a potent mix for someone like my client Nicole, 39, who’d come out of a nine-year relationship and fallen into the arms of Alistair, 44.

He satisfied her like no other man before. Nicole made the fatal mistake of believing his passion was romantic love.

After two years, she was heartbroken to find he’d no intention of settling down. It seemed heartless that he’d been happy to become friends with her two young children when he never saw their relationship as permanent.

IN OUR DREAMS
Nicole found out the hard way that the world revolves around a commitment-shy man: they do not consider others.

And unfortunately, because of their charm, these men get away with so much. Women are often guilty of fuelling this behaviour: we get a morsel of their marvellous attention, hope for more and drop our plans when they choose to ring.

At a psychological level, this is known as partial reinforcement — a principle that confounds the person on the receiving end. We filter out negative behaviour — such as the length of time between phone calls — focusing on the attentive behaviour. It’s easily done, unless you have the perception to recognise the imbalance in his behaviour.

And it’s not only women coming out of long-term relationships who are blinkered by a non-committer’s tempting behaviour. Any woman can fall for it in the early days, only wising up once emotionally involved.

Not ready to commit: Owen Wilson, left, and Hugh Grant are famous bachelors
Take fashion buyer Chloe, 41, who spent six years hoping for commitment from James, 42. Her panic mounted as her biological clock started ticking: they had a final showdown on her 40th birthday. Not only did she lose James, but she had lost the chance of having children.

THE TELL-TALE SIGNS OF A COMMITMENT-PHOBEThe relationship develops only on his terms. If he’s at a loose end or has had a rough day and wants cheering up, he’s all yours. He won’t return the favour.
He doesn't give much away. He may tell you he’s been to a football game, but he can be vague — even secretive — about the parts of his life you don’t share.

The relationship stagnates. You might date for months, but he won’t take it to the next level.

You don’t meet the parents. You rarely see his, or not at all, and he’s not interested in spending time with yours.

He hangs out with the girls. He loves female company and his best friends often include lifelong women friends.

Mates before dates. Nothing comes between him and his poker evenings, sporting fixtures or lads’ holidays.

He says he loves spending time with you, but you don’t spend much time together.

He's insecure. However much you try to boost his confidence over the years, he’s still a hopeless non-committer.

He doesn't want to think about a future with you. If you ask where things are going, he’ll finish it or smooth things over with platitudes.

He's amazing in bed. Don’t be surprised if he’s less attentive outside the bedroom. In bed, he only has you to focus on, but a commitment-phobe wants a busy life.

Chloe sought my help to come to terms with her extreme anger with James and also with herself for turning a blind eye to him not wanting to buy a home together, not wanting involvement with her family and putting his buddies first.

Even when a man tells us he has no interest in commitment, many women take no notice or see it as a challenge.

Countless times George Clooney has said he’ll never marry and if he was his girlfriend he’d break up with himself.

One client, Sally, 36, has high hopes for Dominic, 38, her hesitant boyfriend of four years. He’s always said he has no intention of settling down, but she’s convinced that if she shows him enough love, patience and passion, she’ll get him down the aisle.

My advice is to listen to what he says. Only time will tell if she’s right to persevere.

But just what is it that causes men to shy away from a permanent soul-mate? There are many reasons why they can develop commitment issues.

If you grow up with a father who is emotionally contained within the family home, yet engaged outside of it with his career and hobbies, it sets the standard for a non-committer.

Another explanation can be found in their relationship history. You’re likely to find they were profoundly hurt by a girlfriend early in life. Some simply don’t like female company enough to share a full relationship. Yes, they enjoy dating, love the chase and adore sex.

Tread carefully if you suspect you’re in the clutches of a non-committer. If marriage is on your agenda, get out.

Names have been changed.

Dr Pam Spurr is the author of How To Be a Happy Human (JR Books, £9.99).

How to avoid a commitment phobic guys?