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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Feb 25 2015, 19:26

thanks
thanks for the laugh!!!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Feb 26 2015, 05:50

                   THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS"   FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
  
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
  
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
  
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
  
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
  
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
  
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
  
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
  
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
  
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
  
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as   they were all Spanish."
  
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
  
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
  
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
  
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.'  We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
  
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
  
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
  
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
  
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
  
19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
  
         BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!! and they REPRODUCE

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Feb 26 2015, 06:05

15 and 19

scaringly funny!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Katiedot on Thu Feb 26 2015, 06:32

Oh don't!  These are real life complaints I've had to deal with:

- the ocean is too salty
- the sun is too hot
- your brochure doesn't show any pictures of rain so I want my money back (from a guest who'd booked during the monsoon season)
- we can't swim in the sea because we're scared of fish.  We didn't know there would be fish.
- you don't have my favourite brand of strawberry yoghurt [this complaint delivered by a man throwing a temper tantrum, face down on the floor of our restaurant kicking and screaming - we had his favourite brand of German bio-yoghurt but not the strawberry flavour]
- I'm very important in the United States and I expect you to put out the red carpet wherever I go in the hotel.  Also, you have to upgrade me to a suite [this in a hotel that doesn't have ANY carpeting anywhere from a guest who didn't register in a single google or nexis search!]
- I can't swim and I don't like sandy beaches [I really wonder why they booked a beach resort holiday]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Feb 26 2015, 12:34

a bit egotistic  Rolling Eyes 
and a lot crazy !  tongue

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Thu Feb 26 2015, 20:31

Katiedot wrote:Oh don't!  These are real life complaints I've had to deal with:

- the ocean is too salty
- the sun is too hot
- your brochure doesn't show any pictures of rain so I want my money back (from a guest who'd booked during the monsoon season)
- we can't swim in the sea because we're scared of fish.  We didn't know there would be fish.
- you don't have my favourite brand of strawberry yoghurt [this complaint delivered by a man throwing a temper tantrum, face down on the floor of our restaurant kicking and screaming - we had his favourite brand of German bio-yoghurt but not the strawberry flavour]
- I'm very important in the United States and I expect you to put out the red carpet wherever I go in the hotel.  Also, you have to upgrade me to a suite [this in a hotel that doesn't have ANY carpeting anywhere from a guest who didn't register in a single google or nexis search!]
- I can't swim and I don't like sandy beaches [I really wonder why they booked a beach resort holiday]



Lol all funny...I like number 4 being scared of fish. I'm sure they have never seen Nemo Razz Razz Razz Razz




Katiedot wrote:
- you don't have my favourite brand of strawberry yoghurt [this complaint delivered by a man throwing a temper tantrum, face down on the floor of our restaurant kicking and screaming - we had his favourite brand of German bio-yoghurt but not the strawberry flavour]

Ah you got German products Very Happy Thumbs up!

Man don't guys know strawberry is the number one to have Mad  I mean HELLLLOOOO....STRAWBERRY


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Feb 26 2015, 21:13

BEWARE OF OLDER MEN 


 A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.   She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.  Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
 
'About 32,' is the reply.'
 
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
 
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. 
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
 
Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.  She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
 
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
 
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
 
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
 
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.  It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra..  Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' 
 
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.  She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
 
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
 
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
 
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
 
'I was behind you at McDonald's

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Feb 26 2015, 22:19

Doh!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Katiedot on Fri Feb 27 2015, 05:08

Oohhhh Pattygirl, THANK YOU!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Mar 01 2015, 14:11

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:    What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:       He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:       My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget..
ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
                        until the next morning?
WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:       He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 

ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:       Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was [url=x-apple-data-detectors://10]August 8th[/url]?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:       Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
WITNESS:       Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:       By death…
ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:       Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:       He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:       Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________




 
ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
                        attorney?
WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:       All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:       Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:       The autopsy started around [url=x-apple-data-detectors://11]8:30 PM[/url]
ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:       If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:       No…
ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Mar 01 2015, 14:41


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun Mar 01 2015, 20:45

UPS AMAZING!

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.


Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident...


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search


P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Mar 01 2015, 21:41

Good one patty girlpatty girl

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Mar 01 2015, 22:05

Priceless!  

 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 04 2015, 13:45

From my joke mate......




Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

 

 

PRESBYTERIAN:     BEST IN PRAYER

 

ASTRONOMER:  -  MOON STARER

 

DESPERATION:  - A ROPE ENDS IT

 

THE EYES: - THEY SEE

 

GEORGE BUSH: - HE BUGS GORE

 

THE MORSE CODE: - HERE COME DOTS

 

DORMITORY: - DIRTY ROOM

 

SLOT MACHINES: - CASH, MINE, LOST  

 

ANIMOSITY: - IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS: -  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

 

SNOOZE ALARMS: - ALAS !  NO MORE   Z'S

 

A DECIMAL POINT:  - I'M A DOT IN PLACE

 

THE EARTHQUAKES:  - THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: -  TWELVE PLUS ONE

 



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:



 

MOTHER-IN-LAW: - WOMAN HITLER

 

 

DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 04 2015, 13:50

A rather rude joke.....sorry.




MY NEW UROLOGIST - TOUGH GETTING OLD

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an  increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists.  
And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.  I saw her yesterday, and she's  absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She  said, "Because I'm trying to examine  you..."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Mar 05 2015, 14:27

Financial Planner

There was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family  business. 

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with
whom to share his fortune. 

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took
his breath away. 

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, 
"but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.               
 
Three months later, she became his stepmother.
 
 
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Mar 05 2015, 19:15

LOOL !!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Mar 05 2015, 20:54

Anger Management Does Work
                                                       
                               
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
    
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
    
I found the number and dialed it.
  
A man answered, saying
'Hello..'
    
I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
    
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
    
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
  
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
    
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
    
I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it.
And put it in my desk drawer.
    
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
  
It always cheered me up.
    
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
    
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
      
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
    
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
  
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
  
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.    
I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot.
But the idiot ignored me.
    
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
    
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
  
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
    
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
    
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
  
He said, 'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
    
I asked, 'What's your name?'
  
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
      
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
    
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
  
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
  
He said, 'Yes?'
    
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
    
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
    
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
  
Then I came up with an idea...
    
I called asshole #1.
   
He said, 'Hello'
  
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
  
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
    
I said,
'Yeah!'
    
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
    
I said, 'Make me.'
    
He asked, 'Who are you?'
  
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
  
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
    
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in  Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
    
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
    
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
  
Then I called Asshole #2.
    
He said, 'Hello?'
    
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
    
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
    
I said, 'You'll what?'
    
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
    
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
  
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in  Fairfax , to kill
my gay lover.
    
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in  Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to  Fairfax.
  
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
    
NOW I feel much better.
  
Anger management really does w 

​ork​

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Mar 05 2015, 22:57

Love it pattygirl Coolio

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Mar 05 2015, 23:08

Shocked

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Hebe on Sun Mar 08 2015, 01:40

For several years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night she confided in him that she was pregnant.


Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.


Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.


She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.


To keep it discreet, he advised her to simply mail him a postcard and  write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. 


One day about nine months later he came home to a confused wife.


"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."


"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later." he replied. 


She gave it to him and watched as he read the card. He turned white and fainted.


On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs. Two without.' 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sun Mar 08 2015, 09:12

oh my!!! LOL!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sun Mar 08 2015, 22:09

pattygirl wrote:Anger Management Does Work
                                                       
                               
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.
    
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
    
I found the number and dialed it.
  
A man answered, saying
'Hello..'
    
I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
    
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
    
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
  
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number
To call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
    
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
    
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.
    
I wrote his number down
With the word 'asshole' next to it.
And put it in my desk drawer.
    
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an asshole!'
  
It always cheered me up.
    
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop.
    
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.  I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
      
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
    
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.
  
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
  
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot
I had patiently waited for.    
I hit the horn and yelled
That I'd been waiting for that spot.
But the idiot ignored me.
    
I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
    
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
  
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
    
He said, 'Yes, it is.'
    
I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
  
He said, 'Yes, I live at  34 Oaktree Blvd. , in  Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house
And the car's parked right out in front.'
    
I asked, 'What's your name?'
  
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
      
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
    
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
  
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
  
He said, 'Yes?'
    
I said,
'Don, you're an asshole!'
    
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
    
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
  
Then I came up with an idea...
    
I called asshole #1.
   
He said, 'Hello'
  
I said,
'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
  
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
    
I said,
'Yeah!'
    
He screamed, 'Stop calling me'
    
I said, 'Make me.'
    
He asked, 'Who are you?'
  
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
  
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
    
I said,
'Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in  Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
    
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
    
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,'
And hung up.
  
Then I called Asshole #2.
    
He said, 'Hello?'
    
I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
    
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
    
I said, 'You'll what?'
    
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'
    
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
  
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in  Fairfax , to kill
my gay lover.
    
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in  Fairfax ..

I quickly got into my car and headed over to  Fairfax.
  
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
    
NOW I feel much better.
  
Anger management really does w 

​ork​

Now this is such a good idea.  Soooo tempted to use it!  HA!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun Mar 08 2015, 22:40

PSYCHIATRIST vs BARTENDER

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I finally went to a shrink and told him "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed!! I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartendercure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."





FORGET THE SHRINKS.
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
ITS ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Mar 10 2015, 01:59

ITALIAN FUNERAL

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
 
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.  
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
 
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
 
The Jewish man couldn't  stand the curiosity.
 
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this.  
Whose funeral is it?"
 
My wife's." 'What happened to her?"
 
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
 
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
 
My mother-in-law. 
She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.
 
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
 
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
 
The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 11 2015, 01:04

Coolio   pattygirl....keep 'em comming !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Mar 12 2015, 23:38

Sarcasm for the day
...
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are
holding a gun, she's probably angry.
4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri Mar 13 2015, 05:53

oh my!! affraid

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Katiedot on Fri Mar 13 2015, 09:19

Hahahahahaha! I think some of these might make it to my facebook page. Thanks Pattygirl

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Mar 18 2015, 14:32

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which ended by saying,
 
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye
Grandpa."
 
The father asked,
'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
 
The little girl said,
"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 
The next day grandpa died.
 
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
 
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers
which went like this,
 
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma"
 
The next day the grandmother died.
 
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
 
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
 
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack
of dawn to go to his office.
 
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
 
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and
went home.
 
When he got home his wife said, 
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
 
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.
 
Keep smiling and sharing ....

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 18 2015, 22:21

Oh Gloriana.....I thought this might have 
suitable to send on to my stepson 
re his three year old.

But NO WAY !  Lol

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Mar 18 2015, 22:43

[size=32]Irish Lubricant[/size]

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said,
[size=32]'I'll tell you, .....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.[/size]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Mar 21 2015, 17:41

[size=32]Beer & Colonoscopy[/size]  
 
It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a [size=32]colonoscopy.[/size]  
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.  
His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.  
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.  
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.  
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:  
A Tube of K-Y jelly,  
A rubber glove  
And a beer  
.  
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said,     "Look Doc", I'm a little confused.  This is my first exam.  
I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the  
BEER is for?"  
 
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.  
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn !  
[size=32]I said a [/size] [size=32]BUTT LIGHT"[/size]
.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Mar 21 2015, 17:43

Eight-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.


"Mohammad," he replied.


"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher.  "So from now on you will be known as Mike."


Mohammad returned home after school.


"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.


"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike."


"Are you ashamed of your name?  Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"  And his mother beat him.

 
Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.  The teacher saw all of his bruises.


"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.


"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Mar 23 2015, 14:10

 A QUIET ROMANTIC DINNER


> A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

> They were gazing lovingly at each other and were holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
> the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

> The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

> The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man, "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

> The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't … she just walked in."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Mar 23 2015, 15:07

MARKSMANSHIP AT ITS BEST!

A Florida Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol. 
 
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
 
What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
 
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.  Here is her story in her own words:
 
"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.

 
She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.  If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
 
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took...the gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
 
It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer fees was incredible." 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Mon Mar 23 2015, 17:49

Thumbs up! Seesaw of good and e

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Mar 27 2015, 17:06

A man received the following email from his neighbor . . . 
 
"I am so sorry, Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been helping myself to your wife day and night when you're not around.  In fact, I have probably been getting more than you.  I do not get it at home . ..  but that's no excuse.   I can no longer live with the guilt, and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again."
 
The man, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and, without a word, shot his wife dead.
 
A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn Autospell!
Sorry Bob, the second sentence should read, 'your Wifi .. . . " 
 


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by PigPen on Sat Mar 28 2015, 15:23

 It's F@@%%^^&*ng SNOWING again.  No joke.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Mar 28 2015, 21:51

Oh No PP.....have you been out to measure it yet...
in your Pink Wellies ?
Keep warm and dry. sunny


PS.  Your selfie has come out real fine !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sat Mar 28 2015, 22:48

Joanna wrote:Oh No PP.....have you been out to measure it yet...
in your Pink Wellies ?
Keep warm and dry. sunny


PS.  Your selfie has come out real fine !

brahahahahaha!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Mar 29 2015, 16:29

Oh I hope PP wasn't offended....
Here's more sunshine to keep you warm PP  sunnysunnysunny

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by PigPen on Mon Mar 30 2015, 20:15

Never offended Joanna.  We banter, we debate, sometimes even argue.  But never get offended.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Mar 31 2015, 15:06

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY! 

We Must Stop This Immediately!

  
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away..  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

  
Also I have noticed the ground is harder, trails are longer and the nights have become a lot colder than they used to be!

  
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?   


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. 

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse.  Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

  
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!   

  
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

  
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Mar 31 2015, 15:40

PigPen wrote:Never offended Joanna.  We banter, we debate, sometimes even argue.  But never get offended.

Oh as they say in Wales....there's lovely then.


I didn't really think you would be. Coolio

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Mar 31 2015, 15:43

Oh pattygirl.....It's EXACTLY the same here 
across the pond. 

But as our Parliament has closed up shop ready for
a General Election in May, there's no one for me
to complain to !
Bricks

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Apr 03 2015, 21:36

:  Dr. Young vs. Dr. Geezer

 


> An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became
> very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside
> that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured
> get back $1,000."
>
> Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
> about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
>
> So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired.
>
> Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you
> please help me ??
> Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
> in Dr. Young's mouth."
>
> Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
> $500."
>
> Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
> recover his money.
>
> Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the
> patient's mouth."
>
> Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
> $500."
>
> Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
> several more days.
>
> Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so -- " Here's
> your$1000 back."
>
> Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
>
> Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
>
> Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
> outsmart an old "Geezer "

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Apr 03 2015, 21:40

Good one pattygirl !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Apr 04 2015, 01:59

From Joanna's joke mate:

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
 While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $200, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
 
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.  HE paid for your season Patriots tickets.   HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.  HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!
 
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do? The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just goes ballistic, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her  'Loosen up Grams.. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'    And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

 HAPPY GARDENING.
 DON'T MESS WITH A SENIOR CITIZEN!!!


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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."   The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
 
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." 
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."  The robot slaps the mother.  
 
 Robot for sale. 

melbert
George Clooney fan forever!

Posts : 19092
Join date : 2010-12-06
Location : George's House

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Sponsored content Today at 14:31


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