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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jul 08 2015, 23:50

Good Ones again pattygirl sunny

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Jul 11 2015, 18:39

DO NOT wash your hair while showering!


It is so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.


It involves the use of your hair shampoo while showering and what occurs when it runs down your body.  I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner . . . But when I wash my hair while showering, the shampoo runs down my entire body . . . And printed very clearly right on the shampoo label is a 'warning' that reads:  "For extra body and volume."


Well, no wonder I've been gaining weight.  This explains it all . . .


So, I've gotten rid of shampoo and now use Dawn dish washing soap.  It's label reads:  "Dissolves fat that is otherwise hard to remove."


Problem solved.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by annemarie on Sat Jul 11 2015, 20:38

Lol cute.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jul 11 2015, 20:58

Coolio .....Good advice pattygirl !  Lol

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Jul 11 2015, 21:44

I just got out of my shower using Dawn!  YES!!!!  It works!!!!  My hair is 10 pounds lighter!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Sat Jul 11 2015, 21:59

LOL!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jul 11 2015, 23:00

melbert wrote:I just got out of my shower using Dawn!  YES!!!!  It works!!!!  My hair is 10 pounds lighter!!!!

......and very lovely it looks too Mel. Hug1

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Jul 12 2015, 00:13

Why, thank you Joanna!  It's all bouncy and flouncy now!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Jul 17 2015, 19:13

Haircut
 
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. 
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." 
          

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on  it.   
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."  
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."   
(You're  going to love the Dad's reply!)    
 
 
 
 
  
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jul 18 2015, 00:55

Fab....Fab pattygirl. Thanks x

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Jul 22 2015, 13:53

Baptizing An Irishman

        An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunken Irishman shouts,"Yes, I am!"       So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,       "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"       By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.       The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"       The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,       "Are you sure this is where he fell in?      
>                                   
>

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by annemarie on Wed Jul 22 2015, 14:06

Lol .

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Aug 08 2015, 19:59

[size=48]Italian[/size] [size=48]Pregnanc[/size][size=48]y 
 
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her   period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy   kit. 
 
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. 
 
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 
'Who wasa the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' 
 
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 
 
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. 
 
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a 
Ferrari and enters the house.
 
 
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 
 
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’ 
 
 I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take   charge. 
 
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. 
 
Additionally,   if a girl is born,   I   will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.. 
 
If a boy is born ,   my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000   bank account. 
 
If twins,   they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.. 
 
However,   if there is a miscarriage,   what do you suggest I do?' 
 
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,   places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him. 
 
"You-a gonna    try again!"
[/size]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Aug 09 2015, 18:42

Great jokes pattygirl.....love the Irish one !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Aug 11 2015, 17:04

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy . 

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests. 

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy   in all respects. 

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope. 

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. 

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified. 

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?" 

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called 

wait for it........ 





POPE SE-COLA ! 

*You know you're going to pass it on to Catholic and non-Catholic friends alike !* 




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Way2Old4Dis on Tue Aug 11 2015, 17:49

Ha!  Saw that one coming a mile away, and it was still funny.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Aug 19 2015, 17:05

"Why I'm divorced." Written by a woman. Enjoy!....
 
That morning.  I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband
would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,'  and possibly have a
small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone  'Happy Birthday.’

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, 'Good
morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little
better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said,
'It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what
do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He
chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'It's such a beautiful
day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came
out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband , my
kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there....

on the couch....
 




naked.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Aug 21 2015, 17:32

Oh for the video !!
Good one pattygirl.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Sep 01 2015, 15:58

HELL EXPLAINED


The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona[size=13][size=13]
[size=18]chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct.......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
 

[/size]


[/size][/size]


Last edited by pattygirl on Tue Sep 01 2015, 16:00; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : just to neaten it up a bit.)

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue Sep 01 2015, 16:29

LOOOOL !!!! Very Happy Razz Smile

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Sep 02 2015, 16:03

  
A blind date in France   Click here: BLIND DATE   You just have to watch  this one to the end---it is priceless,   truly....and the most unexpected ending I have ever seen.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Sep 02 2015, 22:10

Helpful hints for Seniors and soon to be Seniors.
Lovemaking Tips For Seniors 
 
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed .
 
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
 
 
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
 
 
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
 
 
5. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember...
 
 
6.  Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
 
 
8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf, too.
 
 
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news ... even if its 8PM... !!
 
 
10.  Don't even think about trying it twice.  
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...  
 
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, ‘Pick one; I can't do both!'
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...  
 
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN ...
 
'Getting a little action’ means you don't need to take a laxative today.
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN....  
 
‘getting lucky’ means you find your car in the parking lot...
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
An 'all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
 
 
'OLD' IS WHEN....
 
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.  

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Sep 04 2015, 21:33

Great x

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Sep 09 2015, 15:16

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

A wise person once said:


1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this, but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Sep 09 2015, 21:26

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Sep 11 2015, 19:08

[size=32]J[/size] [size=32]OKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH[/size]
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
  Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'   
 
 
 
 
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~   
 

 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'  
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  
 
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper,he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'  

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  
 
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'  

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'  

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to     Jerusalem ..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'  

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'  

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'  

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

 

 
You don't stop laughing because you grow old..
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Take heed and pass these along to people who
need a laugh.
I thought you would enjoy this...times are tough
right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place.
"They" haven't found a way to tax you for
laughing yet!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Oct 27 2015, 12:54

Peter wakes up in the hospital bandaged from
head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah,
I see you've regained consciousness. Now,
you probably won't remember, but you were
in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going
to be okay,  you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident,
and we couldn't find it."
Peter groans, but the doctor goes on, "You
have $9000 in insurance compensation coming,
and we now have the technology to build a
new penis. They work great, but they don't come cheap. It's
roughly $1000 an inch." Peter perks up.
 
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many
inches you want. But understand that you have
been married for over thirty years, and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If
you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher
now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-
incher before and you decide to only invest in a
five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's
important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." 
Peter agrees to talk it over with his wife, Joan.
 
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says Peter.
  
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes", says Peter.
 
  
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor. 
"We're getting granite countertops."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Nov 04 2015, 17:33

[size=32]Astute Observations[/size]  
 
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.
 
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
 
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
 
 
I don't do drugs anymore. I find I get the same effect just by standing up quickly.
 
I don't like political jokes. I've seen far too many get elected.
 
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.  If life deals you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary.
 
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
 
 
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
 
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
 
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
 
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
 
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
 
Snowmen fall from Heaven ... unassembled.
 
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants
 
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing;
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class! 
 
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
 
Wouldn't you know it!    Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Nov 05 2015, 04:35

PattyGirl!  Most of those are the stories of my life!  hahahaha!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Katiedot on Sun Nov 08 2015, 06:19

hahahahaha! Yep, a lot of those sum up my life to a t.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Way2Old4Dis on Tue May 31 2016, 00:43

Courtesy of my 10-year-old granddaughter:

Q: What do you call the security team at the Samsung store?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.


Q: What do nosy peppers do?

A: Get jalapeno business.

Way2Old4Dis
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sun Jul 03 2016, 02:59

I'm dense today. I got the first one but not the second.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Jul 03 2016, 05:29

Lorna,  "get up in you business"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Way2Old4Dis on Sun Jul 03 2016, 19:40

Actually, "Get all up in yo(ur) business." But you got the drift.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Jul 03 2016, 20:41

oops!  I dropped the "all".  My bad!  pale

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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