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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Apr 04 2015, 06:17

Another Joanna!

Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
 
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

 
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Apr 04 2015, 13:37

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
>
> Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
>
> The officer asked, "Really? And who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
>
> Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Apr 04 2015, 13:39

TRYING TO SET A PASSWORD ---- Read to the end!
>
> WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
>
> USER: cabbage
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
>
> USER: 1 boiled cabbage
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
>
> USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
>
>   USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
>
> USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain exclamation marks.
>
> USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
>
> WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Apr 04 2015, 13:41

I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the
> > Church.
> >
> > Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
> >
> > On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and
> > Waterford crystal glasses.
> >
> > On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
> > Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been
> > a very long time since I've been to confession.
> >
> > But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting
> > than it used to be."
> >
> > He replies: " You moron, you're on my side."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Apr 04 2015, 14:12

PattyGirl, re your password joke.  Have you been watching me trying to set up passwords????  hahahaha  I had to reset 3 expired passwords yesterday and they ALL said I had used them before!  NO I HAVEN'T MORON!!!!  hahaha

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Apr 04 2015, 17:12

Had that trouble with my bank.  They initiated a new system.  I did what I had to do, had to change user name - had to add a number, new password had to have lower case, UPPER case, a number and then one of the signs above the numbers.  Had to redo my security questions too.  All went fine first couple of times I went to pay bills, and then all hell broke loose. I had written down all the answers and made sure I had everything right.  kept saying ineligible password. I tried to reset my password.  Well, I could do that as long as I had a Visa Debit Card (don't own or want one) and my SSN.  Answered first page of questions, no problem. Continued to second page.  First question - Which of these people do you know? Gives 5 names, and none of these as choices.  Next question, same stuff 5 choices & none of these.  Next question - Which of these streets is closest to you - 5 choices but not the famous "none of these" choice.  Now Mel, I don't know whether you live in a large or small city, but Staten Island is about 26 sq. mi. in size and comprised of thousands of streets, some large but most small streets going through communities.  NONE OF THE STREETS WERE EVEN ON STATEN ISLAND.  There was no way I could get past that question.  Finally after going through this whole process 5 times, I called the toll free # and spoke to young lady (extremely nice), she did it for me.  When I told here about the Streets question and the lack of None choice, she said "There has to be", I said "There isn't" and she repeated "There has to be".  Well that was the MOST frustrating password fiasco I have ever had and I have had so doozies.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Apr 04 2015, 18:57

You know, I am all for security, and I would hate to have my identity stolen (although the thief would get really bored really fast if he/she were me!!!), but the bullshit you have to go thru is ridiculous!!!  I had trouble with my office bank (they charged a PayPal payment to MY company account and we don't and can't use PayPal), and you woulda thunk I was trying to rob Ft. Knox or something.  They finally rectified it, but did they offer ME an apology?????  Hell no!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Sat Apr 04 2015, 23:03

Mel - That's the part that burns my bacon! Even when it's their mistake they try to make it YOUR fault and NEVER apologize.

My favorite, although not password related: I needed a college transcript for work. When I picked it up at the Bursar's Office I noticed that they had the wrong high school listed on the transcript. I stood on line again and, after a ten minute wait, showed the error to the clerk.

"Yes," she said "we know. Our printer jumped a space and all the transcripts have the wrong high schools. Would you like it corrected?"

Thinking it was the logical thing to do, I said "Yes."

"O.k." she said,"There's a $5 fee for that."

Needless to say, if you check with the high school on my transcript, they'll never have heard of me. Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sat Apr 04 2015, 23:41

Fascinating that they'd want to make YOU pay to correct THEIR mistake. It's pure arrogance on the schools part.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Apr 06 2015, 19:19

Dr. Bumbutu
 
A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
 
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'  She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
 
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
 
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
 
Yes I am.  How did you know?'
 
He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Apr 08 2015, 20:55

IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

   CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

   MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

    NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

    ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

    GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

       THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
        PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

    ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

      MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

         BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
           BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:

"Well, at least she   was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Apr 09 2015, 23:04

A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Priceless.
3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser.  Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
And
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


On average, an American man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun Apr 12 2015, 18:58

[size=48]Snotty Receptionist…[/size]   [size=32]  [/size]    [size=32]Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted. The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"[/size]          [size=32]All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.[/size]          [size=32]The room erupted in applause!  DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!![/size] 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Apr 12 2015, 19:30

Oh pattygirl.....you've made my hubby and me
laugh out loud with your new jokes !!
Keep 'em commin !!

Sofa bounce

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Apr 15 2015, 15:53

[size=32]Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida.  They[/size]
[size=32]met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they[/size]
[size=32]enjoyed each others' company.  After several weeks of meeting for[/size]
[size=32]coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight,[/size]
[size=32]she accepted.[/size]
 
[size=32]They had a lovely evening.  They dined at the most romantic restaurant[/size]
[size=32]in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an[/size]
[size=32]after-dinner drink.[/size]
 
[size=32]Things continued along a natural course and with age being no[/size]
[size=32]inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the[/size]
[size=32]hay.[/size]
 
[size=32]As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,[/size]
[size=32]each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....[/size]
 
[size=32]Claude was thinking:  'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'[/size]
 
[size=32]Maude was thinking:  'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have[/size]
[size=32]taken off my pantyhose.' [/size]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Apr 15 2015, 16:06

Sofa bounce Yahooooo Sofa bounce

Thanks pattygirl for another good one !

You going to live in Florida then ???  LOL

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by amaretti on Wed Apr 15 2015, 16:43

Ha ha ha he he heee

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Apr 15 2015, 20:00

No, Jo.. I live in New York - Staten Island to be exact.

Really don't like FL except for Disney World.  Too hot and humid for me.  Have family down there though.  Daughter and family, Son, Sister-in-law and most of her family.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Apr 20 2015, 02:28

JAPANESE SEX STORY

DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY .....NO ONE MAKES IT OUT ALIVE ANYWAY.....




A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband says: "Sukitaki.mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!">>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ////////
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this –you don’t know Japanese.You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex....you need serious help!!! Sometimes I worry about you.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Mon Apr 20 2015, 15:41

What's even funnier is that none of the jibberish is Japanese in the first place.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun May 03 2015, 17:26

Just because...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU4DgHHwVCc

.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun May 03 2015, 20:02

Oh yes Mel....that is gorgeous.
Lovely chuckles and laughter.

My previous Westie used to eat the Dandelion
fluff by the dozen.
Never could work out why !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon May 04 2015, 16:54




  I apologize in advance to all the Blondes reading these.

 


Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
 
FLORIDA OR MOON
 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida?'
 
 
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
 
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you?'
 
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
 
 
KNITTING
 
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
 
 
BLONDE ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'   'Helllooooo. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'
 
 
 
IN A VACUUM
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
 
 
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
 
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls were using their arms.”

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon May 04 2015, 17:13

Ha ha ha ha pattygirl....Great Jokes thanks. X

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun May 10 2015, 22:22

4 lady friends meet 30 years after school at a reunion..... 
 
One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. 
 
No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari. 
 
No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet. 
 
No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he build his best friend a castle. 
 
No. 4 came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.
 
The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. " Oh no!! " said the Lady, he is doing good. " Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends..." . All the 3 Ladies fainted .... 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun May 10 2015, 23:11

Sofa bounce Sofa bounce Sofa bounce

Good one pattygirl !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 13 2015, 15:15

Why Sentence Structure is Crucial .....

Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”


"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri May 22 2015, 23:23

God & Seniors
And God Looked Down...
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional-calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's Gods will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Old Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."~Albert Einstein

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 27 2015, 16:53

[size=32]ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW....[/size]
 
[size=32]A Cup  of Tea made with cold water[/size] 
   [size=32]  [/size]
[size=32]One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.  I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.  Someone had given me a  little 'tea set' as a gift, and it[/size]
[size=32]was one of my favorite toys.  Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.[/size]
[size=32]  [/size]
[size=32]After several cups of tea and lot of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma came home.  My Grandpa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring[/size]
[size=32]him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'[/size]
[size=32]  [/size]
[size=32]Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the  hall with a cup of tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.  Then she said, (as only a grandma would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"[/size]
[size=32]  [/size]
[size=32]IF YOU SEND THIS ON, YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT, AND MAYBE A FUTURE GRANDPARENT SMILE[size=32].[/size][/size]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed May 27 2015, 20:24

Oh pattygirl.....I didn't see that coming. Lol
Hope there was no bleach in the loo !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Jun 06 2015, 18:11

  Don’t Mess With Senior Citizens!
 
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.  When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
 
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay!  I didn't even have breakfast."
 
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
 
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
 
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
 
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
 
"But I didn't use them," she said.
 
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
 
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
 
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
 
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
 
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
 
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
 
After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
 
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But madam, this check is only for £50.00."
 
"That's correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
 
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
 
"Well, that’s too bad.  I was here, and you could have."
 
Moral of the tale:  Don't mess with Senior Citizens…….

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Jun 06 2015, 18:14

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat’s ass anymore. 


  
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.   
 
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat. 
 
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't
run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell 
us to exercise? I don't think so. 

 
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 
 
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
 
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran. 
 
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 
 
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 
 
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it? 
 
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser. 
 
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant. 
 
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of 
them. 

 
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 
 
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 
 
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
 
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom. 
 
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 
 
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess. 
 
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere. 
 
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
 
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ..I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after". 
 
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
 
20. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
 
21. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Jun 06 2015, 18:19

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great  if that happened more often?)  
------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.  
------------------------------------------------------
The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!' "
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.  "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Jun 13 2015, 17:09

A Golf Story 

  John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland
 
  with his buddy, Shawn. 
  
  So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few 
  hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. 
  
  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who 
  answered the door if they could spend the night. 
  
  'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all 
  to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the 
  neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 
  
  'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the 
  weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' 
  
  The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in 
  for the night. 
  
  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They 
  enjoyed a great weekend of golf. 
  
  But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. 
  
  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that 
  it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf 
  weekend. 
  
  He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that 
  good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in 
  Scotland about 9 months ago?' 
  
  'Yes, I do,' said Shawn 
  'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the 
  house and pay her a visit?' 
  
  'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 
  'I have to admit that I did.' 
  
  'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' 
  
  Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. 
  I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' 
  
  'She just died and left me everything.' 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Jun 15 2015, 05:02

The Irish family traditon  


                 Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family  tradition.

                 It seems that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on
their 18th birthday.

                 On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the  far side for their first legal drink.


                 So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his  pal Mick took a boat   out to the middle of the lake.
Paddy stepped out of the boat...and nearly  drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

                 Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his
grandmother.

                 "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the  lake like me father, his father
and his father before him?"

                 Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled blue eyes  and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye
great-grandfather were all born in December  when the
lake is frozen and ye were born in August, ya fookin' idiot!"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Jun 23 2015, 01:58

[size=48]Potatoes[/size]



[size=32]Well, [/size][size=32]

A Girl[/size]
[size=32]Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, [/size][size=32]
And finally they got married, and had a little sweet
Potato, which they
Called
'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts Of life.
They warned her about going
Out and getting
Half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed,[/size]
[size=32]and[/size]
[size=32]Get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and [/size][size=32]
End up with a bunch of tater tots

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get Her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
[/size]
                                                                              
  [size=32]But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. [/size][size=32]
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When she went off to
Europe , Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam
To watch out
For the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French fries. And
When she went out West, to
Watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped...

Yam said she would stay on the straight and
Narrow and wouldn't associate with
Those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all The trucks that say,
'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's
Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
Her, one-day Yam came home
And announced she was
Going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. And Mrs.
Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't
Possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......
[/size]
[size=32]Are you [/size][size=32]
Ready for this?[/size]
                                                                              [size=32]
Are

You sure?
[/size]

[size=32]*[/size]

[size=32]*[/size]
                                                                              [size=32]
OK!
Here it is!
[/size]
[size=32]
*[/size]
[size=32]
*
[/size]
[size=32]*[/size] [size=32]
*
[/size]
[size=32]
A
COMMONTATER
[/size]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Jun 23 2015, 16:56

YAY.....pattygirl's jokes are great. YAY.

Oh....forgot to say thanks pattygirl  sunny

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Jun 24 2015, 20:13

You're quite welcome, Jo.  Here's today's contribution:


[size=32]THE BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH [/size]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:


'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.    

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
 
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,  
the best I ever had!'  
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad  
but the biker still says nothing.  


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,   
'I'll tell you something else, boy,    
your grandma liked it!'    

At this point the biker stands up,   
takes the drunk by the shoulders  
looks him square in the eyes and says................... 

[size=32]'Grandpa.......... go home!'[/size]
 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jun 25 2015, 16:15

[size=48]                        IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

[/size]
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees....

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Jun 25 2015, 17:54

Thumbs up!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Jun 29 2015, 03:35

HI guys:
I thought you'd enjoy this little story...


An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: 

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa 
 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 

Dear Papa, Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
 

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. 
 

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. 
 
Love you, 
 
Vinnie

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Mon Jun 29 2015, 17:48


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Mon Jun 29 2015, 20:18

OMG!!! Thank you, Nicky! That's the funniest thing I've seen in ages!

lol! lol! lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by amaretti on Mon Jun 29 2015, 20:23

Too funny .

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Jul 01 2015, 17:08

[size=48]All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.[/size] 


[size=48]Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.[/size] 


[size=48]Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.[/size] 



[size=48]The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.[/size] 



[size=48]After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.[/size] 

[size=48]Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.[/size] 



[size=48]Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..[/size] 




[size=48]It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.[/size] 




[size=48]Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.[/size] 
[size=48]Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.[/size] 


[size=48]Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. [/size]

[size=48]This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.[/size] 




[size=48]If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the [/size][size=48]world[/size]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jul 01 2015, 18:07

Thanks again for the laughs pattygirl. Coolio

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jul 02 2015, 18:29

You are most welcome!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Fri Jul 03 2015, 13:23

PattyGirl, you ARE da bomb!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Jul 03 2015, 18:21

"Now, children, name something that your parents think is beautiful. Sally?" Sally said, "Flowers. Mom thinks flowers are beautiful." "Very good, Sally. Now you, Tommy." "Cars. Dad thinks old cars are beautiful." "Good, Tommy." Little Johnny's hand shot up in the air. "I know, teach! I know! Ask me!" he cried. "Okay. John?" "Pregnant women." "What? What makes you think that?" "Because, when he found out my sister was pregnant, he said, 'Beautiful. Just f*¢king beautiful'!"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Jul 08 2015, 18:56

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: 
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."
One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?" 
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion." 
The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car. 
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:
Two Fallen Angels 
Seeking Peter -- $50.00

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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