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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Sep 17 2014, 18:09

Oh patty girl.....I did enjoy the Florida travelouge.

Mel.....there may be some truth in that story about 
Government Research ! Grrrrrrrrr......

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Oct 04 2014, 20:00

[size=32]Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.[/size]



[size=35]Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says[/size]

Really? Ya think?? 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[size=35]Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers[/size]
 
Now that's taking things a bit far! 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[size=35]Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over[/size]
 
What a guy! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]Miners Refuse to Work after Death[/size]

No-good-for-nothing, lazy sobs! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]J[/size][size=35]u[/size][size=35]venile Court to Try Shooting Defendant[/size]
 
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

[size=35]War Dims Hope for Peace[/size]
 
I can see where it might have that effect! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile[/size]
 
A distinct possibility!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

[size=35]Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures[/size]

Who would have thought! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;[/size] [size=35]Police[/size] [size=35]Suspect Homicide[/size]

They may be on to something! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges[/size]

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

[size=35]Man Struck By Lightning[/size] [size=35]Faces Battery Charge[/size]

He probably IS the battery charge! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger[/size] [size=35]Test Group[/size]
 
Weren't they fat enough?! 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft[/size]

That's what he gets for eating those beans! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

[size=35]Kids Make Nutritious Snacks[/size]

Do they taste like chicken?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[size=35]Local High School[/size] [size=35]Dropouts[/size] [size=35]Cut in Half[/size]

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


[size=35]Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors[/size]

Boy, are they tall!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


[size=48]And the winner is...........[/size]
 
 
 
 

[size=35]Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead[/size] 

Did I read that right?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day[size=32]![/size]



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun Oct 05 2014, 20:09

[size=32]GETTING OLDER[/size] 
 [size=32]
A distraught senior citizen[/size] [size=32]
phoned her doctor's office.[/size] [size=32]
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication[/size] [size=32]
you prescribed has to be taken[/size] [size=32]
for the rest of my life?"[/size] [size=32]
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.[/size] [size=32]
There was a moment of silence[/size] [size=32]
before the senior lady replied,[/size] [size=32]
"I'm wondering, then,[/size] [size=32]
just how serious is my condition[/size] [size=32]
because this prescription is marked[/size] [size=32]
'NO REFILLS'.."[/size] 
 
***********************
 [size=32]
An older gentleman was
on the operating table[/size] [size=32]
awaiting surgery[/size] [size=32]
and he insisted that his son,[/size] [size=32]
a renowned surgeon,[/size] [size=32]
perform the operation.[/size] [size=32]
As he was about to get the anaesthesia,[/size] [size=32]
he asked to speak to his son.[/size] [size=32]
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"[/size] [size=32]
"Don't be nervous, son;[/size] [size=32]
do your best,[/size] [size=32]
and just remember,[/size] [size=32]
if it doesn't go well,[/size] [size=32]
if something happens to me,[/size] [size=32]
your mother[/size] [size=32]
is going to come and[/size] [size=32]
live with you and your wife...."[/size] 
(I LOVE IT!)
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 [size=32]
Ageing:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age[/size] [size=32]
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love[/size] [size=32]
to hear them say "you don't look that old."[/size] 
 [size=32]
---------------------------------[/size] [size=32]
The older we get,
the fewer things[/size]
 [size=32]
seem worth waiting in line for.[/size]
 
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!) 
--------------------------------- [size=32]
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.[/size] [size=32]
Not me![/size] [size=32]
I want people to know why[/size] [size=32]
I look this way.[/size] [size=32]
I've travelled a long way[/size] [size=32]
and some of the roads weren't paved.[/size] 
 
********************
 [size=32]
When you are dissatisfied[/size] [size=32]
and would like to go back to youth,[/size] [size=32]
think of Algebra.[/size] 
 
-------------------------------
 [size=32]
One of the many things
no one tells you about ageing[/size] [size=32]
is that it is such a nice change[/size] [size=32]
from being young.[/size] [size=32]
~~~~~~~~~~~[/size] [size=32]
Ah, being young is beautiful,[/size] [size=32]
but being old is comfortable.[/size] [size=32]
*********[/size] [size=32]
First you forget names,[/size] [size=32]
then you forget faces..[/size] [size=32]
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...[/size] [size=32]
it's worse when[/size] [size=32]
you forget to pull it down.[/size] [size=32]
````````````````[/size] 
Two guys, one old, one young,
 
are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart
 [size=32]
when they collide.[/size]
 
The old guy says to the young guy,
 
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
 
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
 
to where I was going."
 
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
 
I'm looking for my wife, too....
 
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
 
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
 
what does she look like?"
 
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
 
with red hair,
 
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
 
long legs,
 
and is wearing short shorts.
 
What does your wife look like?'
 
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
 
--- let's look for yours."
 
(ADORABLE)
 
 
*********************
 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Oct 15 2014, 22:33

[size=48]An Irishman's First Drink
With His Son[/size]
 .
 
I was reading an article last night about fathers
and sons, and memories came flooding back
of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only
two blocks from the house.

 
I got him a Guiness Stout.  He didn't like it –
so I drank it.

 
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like
it either, so I drank it.

 
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
 
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
 
I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Oct 16 2014, 02:35

Drink 3 Very Happy 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Oct 18 2014, 19:12

From my joke mate.....


I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know.
She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madame Tussauds are miserable bastards with
no sense of humour!!

Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking, the works. Other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied, "Looks like he’s still celebrating."

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a policewoman’s uniform he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
"I tink I will ave to go home: I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks, " ‘Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies, "No, I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Oct 21 2014, 23:45

Skipping Mass
 
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realizing it was an exceptionally 
beautiful and
sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. 

So he told the Associate Priest that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to 
say Mass for
him that day. As soon as the Associate Priest left the room, Father Norton 
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he 
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

When he arrived at the first tee, he was alone; after all, it was Sunday morning 
and everyone
else was in church! 

At about this same time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down 
from the
heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are 
you?" 

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then, Father Norton hit the ball.  It shot straight towards the pin, 
dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!  


St. Peter was astonished.  He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him 
do that?" 


The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed Oct 22 2014, 22:02

Some of these may be a little "off color".

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged in to a genius!

Why don't women blink during sex?
They don't have enough time!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop to ask for directions!

Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their butthole and they vapor lock!

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties!

Why did God make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy!

How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
Don't know, it's never happened!

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn!


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "what setting do I use on the washing machine?"  "It depends," I replied "what does it say on your shirt?"  He yelled back "University of Oklahoma".  And they say blondes are dumb!


A couple is lying in bed.  The man says "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."  The woman replies back, "I'll miss you..."


What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A rumor!


Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to be men!


What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough!


How do you keep you husband from reading your email?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual".

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Wed Oct 22 2014, 23:25

Mel - These are hysterical (and oh so true)! Thanks for the laughs. lol!   lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Oct 23 2014, 17:13

25 ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 
5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
 
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
 
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
 
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again
 
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
 
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
 
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
 
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
 
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
 
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
 
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
 
23. As soon as you find something at the grocery store that you really like, they will either move it or the company will discontinue it.
 
24.  The driving of all the other people on the road has become markedly worse in the past few years.
 
25. The first testicular guard, the “Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
 
Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Oct 23 2014, 17:24

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share!
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the
frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED  AS THE CHICKEN
HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT
TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL  CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE
ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE
CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE
EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S
SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.



NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO -- "DEFROST THE CHICKEN."
(TRUE STORY)

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Thu Oct 23 2014, 20:39

Pattygirl - I can believe it! Welcome to the world of men. Idiots!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Fri Oct 24 2014, 22:13

sorry posted in the wrong thread. Moved my post here

http://www.clooneysopenhouse.com/t2799p300-animals#207344

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Oct 26 2014, 16:01

From my joke mate today......



DATING ADS FOR SENIORS FOUND IN
FLORIDA NEWSPAPER!


The Villages Dating Ads

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages'' Florida newspaper. (Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------
SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------
WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flossier
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------
BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------
MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Oct 27 2014, 22:26

Power of Believing in One's Friends
 
A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, 
she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only
the $25,000 milestone money.
 
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does
not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other
birds?
 
Is it:
 
A) the condor
 
B) the buzzard
 
C) the cuckoo
 
D) the vulture
 
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up 
her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained 
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it 
because her friend was, well, blond. But she had no alternative.
 
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
 
The blond responded unhesitatingly:
 
'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
 
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend 
was a
blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant 
could
not help but be convinced.
 
'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
 
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
 
'Is that your final answer?'
 
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
 
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is.... Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!'
 
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family
and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million
dollars.
 
'Joni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the
contestant.
 
'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
 
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos
don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
 
Sally fainted.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Tue Oct 28 2014, 04:36


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Oct 28 2014, 16:58

Lorna....I wish you well in your expectations. LOL

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Oct 29 2014, 18:00

From my joke mate...?


A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large
that they bounced and jiggled
while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples & over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.

But warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed Oct 29 2014, 18:23

   

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Wed Oct 29 2014, 19:20

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Nov 04 2014, 20:09




From my joke mate.....male of course !



Flawless Male Logic


Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:£3.00

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £270.
In one year, it would be approximately £14,310...correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £14,310, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at £286,200, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Nov 06 2014, 03:20

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
 
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
 
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
 
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
 
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
 
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
 
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
 
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
 
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
 
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
 
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Nov 06 2014, 04:46


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Nov 06 2014, 17:16

Good one patty.

Love your clapping hands Mel.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Nov 08 2014, 15:07

My joke mate has surfaced again.....

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...


ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!


Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, SOD the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!


Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Nov 11 2014, 17:53

From my joke mate again....


An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep stuff now!

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks
"What am I going to do now?,"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Wisdom and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Nov 18 2014, 20:44


From my joke mate......


It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Scottish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

‘And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Tue Nov 18 2014, 21:18

hahahahaha!!!!  Drink 3

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Nov 22 2014, 18:49



From my joke mate.....

A tough old cowboy from Texas counselled his granddaughter that if she
wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until
the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children,
30 grandchildren,
45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great-grandchildren   -  

and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Nov 22 2014, 21:38


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Nov 23 2014, 13:24


From my joke mate....

Christmas Cake Recipe-UK version

Ingredients:
* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water * 1 tsp. baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp. salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottles red wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the friggin’ fruit up off floor.

Mix on the turner… If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the wine.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink.
Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to local bakery and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Nov 26 2014, 19:49

THE IRISH PICKLE SLICER

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer and went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Nov 26 2014, 19:57

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

------------------------------------------------------------

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

------------------------------------------------------------
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

------------------------------------------------------------

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

------------------------------------------------------------

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.


'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------------------------------------------------------      

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mummy, I was sitting on dad's lap.'

------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'      



------------------------------------------------------------

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Nov 27 2014, 17:59


The English Gentry still have Butlers.
Here's how to learn Butlering !



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Nov 27 2014, 19:03

too funny!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Dec 06 2014, 22:10

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
 
The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
 
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
 
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
 
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
 
The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.
 
Here are some of the replies:
 
1. Who the hell is this?
 
2. Mother of my children? Are you sick or what?
 
3. Yeah, I love you too. What's up with you??
 
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
 
5. I don't understand what you mean?
 
6. What the f*** did you do now?
 
7. You're kidding, right ?
 
8. Don't beat around the bush. Just tell me how much you need.
 
9. Am I dreaming?
 
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will pay!
 
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
 
(my favorite)
 
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Dec 07 2014, 01:42

I'm at the age where I can achieve "that layered look" completely nekkid!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sun Dec 07 2014, 03:30

Joanna wrote:
The English Gentry still have Butlers.
Here's how to learn Butlering !



Well I watched about 5 minutes of this and had to turn it off.

Not that it wasn't amusing but I kinda felt bad for the guy trying to teach him how to be a butler.  And the comedian mostly laughed at what the butler did - he provides a service and hopefully, those who can afford his help treat him with more respect than this guy did.

Maybe I'm just not seeing the humor from the comedian's point of view.

Reminds me of that Borat guy.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Dec 08 2014, 22:56

 Three blondes were all applying for the last available position in the
metropolitan Police Force.
  The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and
said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"
  The blondes all nodded.
  The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a photo, and said, "To be a
detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things
such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
  So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
  The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"
  The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
  The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
  The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
  "Yes! He only has one ear!"
  The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
  The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
  The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
  He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it,
saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about
this man?"
  The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
  The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears
contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
 
  The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
one eye and one ear, he can't wear glasses."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Dec 08 2014, 23:02

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be  Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Mon Dec 08 2014, 23:49

Oh Patty!  I needed these today!  thank you thank you!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Dec 09 2014, 15:59

You are very welcome, Mel!

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added the video

Post by pattygirl on Tue Dec 09 2014, 16:02

http://twentytwowords.com/husbands-frustrated-rant-is-mildly-amusing-at-first-then-its-hilarious/[/size]



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Tue Dec 09 2014, 17:29

Pattygirl- I haven't laughed so hard in ages! I've been there and LIVED that conversation more than once - it never ends well - and he's right - one poor sucker always ends up doing most of the driving because it's easier than trying to wake anyone else up (they sleep so deeply you'd think they were in a coma). Then they wake up and say, "Why didn't you wake me? I would've driven ." Yeah, right! Passive-aggressive manipulation for 24 hours in a car going at least 70mph on the most boring highway there is - great start to a vacation - NOT!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Dec 09 2014, 22:44

Those are all funny pattygirl ! Thumbs up!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Dec 11 2014, 15:05

English Stiff Upper Lip:

On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him
in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above
the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied,
"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

Yahooooo

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Tue Dec 16 2014, 19:07

I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world. — Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan)


https://twitter.com/VaguelyFunnyDan?original_referer=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2F&tw_i=215569426148368385&tw_p=tweetembed

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Tue Dec 16 2014, 19:15

LizzyNY wrote:Pattygirl- I haven't laughed so hard in ages! I've been there and LIVED that conversation more than once - it never ends well - and he's right - one poor sucker always ends up doing most of the driving because it's easier than trying to wake anyone else up (they sleep so deeply you'd think they were in a coma). Then they wake up and say, "Why didn't you wake me? I would've driven ." Yeah, right! Passive-aggressive manipulation for 24 hours in a car going at least 70mph on the most boring highway there is - great start to a vacation - NOT!

Take a plane, that's what I say!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by PigPen on Wed Dec 17 2014, 17:08


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Wed Dec 17 2014, 19:23

Lorna- You said "Take a plane". I agree - Preferably a different one from the rest of your relatives! Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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