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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Thu Jul 10 2014, 00:47

This is so my husband


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jul 19 2014, 19:16


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jul 19 2014, 19:24


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jul 19 2014, 19:25


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Sun Jul 20 2014, 10:19

Thanks for the laughs. Men and cars…. just better to love ONLY the one he is driving….do not like other cars! LOL (Learned by the experience…)

Nice pics Joanna and also so TRUE!.  Laughing

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Jul 22 2014, 05:15

Hope no one is offended but this is great!

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014/07/84-year-old-man-surprises-americas-got.html

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue Jul 22 2014, 09:25

lool!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Jul 22 2014, 13:52

Thanks patty girl.....he is great !
Your link wouldn't open for me....but I found him here....

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=h6uq4OCla2c




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jul 23 2014, 20:56


Which George Clooney film would attract
this audience ?
Any ideas ? LOL

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RS3iB47nQ6E




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Wed Jul 23 2014, 21:24

lol! Gotta be FDTD! Great ad! lol! 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jul 23 2014, 22:05

LizzyNY wrote:lol! Gotta be FDTD! Great ad! lol! 


Oh I don't know....One Fine Day comes to mind....

Cos they all love Kids and Kittens deep down....
and Kidman of course.  Sofa bounce 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Wed Jul 23 2014, 22:39

 lol! Jo -Way, way deep down!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Jul 24 2014, 00:08

funny vid

brave ppl and stereotypes  Thumbs up! 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by amaretti on Thu Jul 24 2014, 00:50

Very Happy 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jul 24 2014, 21:15

RETIRED HUSBAND

                           After I retired, my wife insisted that I
accompany her on her trips to Target.

                           Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping
boring and preferred to get in and get out.

                           Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women
- she loves to browse.

                           Yesterday my  dear wife received the following
letter from the local Target:


                           Dear Mrs. Harris,


                           Over the past six months, your husband has
caused quite a commotion in our store.


                           We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras:

                           1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

                           2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in
Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

                           3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on
the floor leading to the women's restroom.

                           4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told
her in an official  voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.


                           This caused the employee to leave her assigned
station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the
company money. We don't have a Code 3.

                           5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried
to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

                           6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign
to a carpeted area.

                           7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty
children obliged.

                           8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me
alone?' EMTs were called.

                           9. September 4: Looked right into the security
camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

                           10. September 10: While handling guns in the
hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

                           11. October 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

                           12. October 6 In the auto department, he
practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

                           13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

                           14. October 22: When an announcement came over
the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S
THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

                           15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk
and asked where is the fitting room?

                           And last, but not least:

                           16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut
the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Jul 24 2014, 23:21

looool  Laughing 

amazing old ppl !!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Jul 28 2014, 15:44

Warning


Slightly Rude Adult Riddles



Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?*

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Mon Jul 28 2014, 17:21

the Xmas one !!! LOOOL

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jul 30 2014, 20:19

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in
New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ...
so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are .
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Jul 31 2014, 15:11

If you need a smile today....you may find one
by watching these cats.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S1k86fWsmRE



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Jul 31 2014, 15:19

When George goes away....
with you tube I'll play.  Superdupercool 


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gppbrYIcR80




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Jul 31 2014, 15:51

funny thanks! Adorable the second one!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Aug 02 2014, 16:19


Hilarious Henry !

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CmC62Eg82E8





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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Sat Aug 02 2014, 19:11

Yeah this one is funny. I posted it yesterday in the August chit chat. Guess it was the wrong thread. I always forget about the joke thread. I need to visit more often....hehe

When I watched this video I laughed my ass off. haha

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Aug 02 2014, 19:46

Nicky80 wrote:Yeah this one is funny. I posted it yesterday in the August chit chat. Guess it was the wrong thread. I always forget about the joke thread. I need to visit more often....hehe

When I watched this video I laughed my ass off. haha


Oh sorry Nicky....I'd saved it last night but forgot from where.  1 out of 10 

A Definitive CRAFT Moment....on Stilts !

Yes.....It's so funny and clever.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Aug 04 2014, 18:24

True or not.....they made me smile...


Embarrassing alright....doctors are human too...they made mistakes, at least not wrongful medicine administered causing fatality....

1.. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

(Huh....Sounds like Dr Doug Ross to me).  Basket 


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years -
when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis , OR


5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered...... It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery... When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . .. .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,


AND FINALLY!! !

Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
but I'm glad I came.'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Wed Aug 06 2014, 03:44

Apparently, this kid has never been on live TV.

Apparently, he stole the show.

Apparently, I laughed my ass off!


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Wed Aug 06 2014, 07:48

LOL! Apparently, this is funny  Thumbs up! 

He really liked the microphone....Lot of people who hold a microphone forget to place it under their mouth and it is all over the place but this guy knows his job  Razz 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Aug 06 2014, 13:16

nice funny kid ! Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Aug 06 2014, 18:26

OK folks, Blondes strike again.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida!
 
CAR
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
 
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
 
FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
And asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs’!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Aug 07 2014, 02:21

   P M L !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Thu Aug 07 2014, 06:37

I really love that smiley Melbert  alien  And the Joke was funny too pattygirl  Razz

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun Aug 17 2014, 03:24

Another wing-suit skydiver dies in Rio….
WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Aug 17 2014, 05:17

hahahahahahahahahaha!!!  

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Thu Aug 21 2014, 16:34

Is the thought that counts, right?

 lol!


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Aug 22 2014, 16:14

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 
 

 
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 
 

 
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 
 

 
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 
 

 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 
 

 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 
 

 
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 
 

 
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .............
 

 

 
(Scroll down) 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 

 

 

 
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by PigPen on Fri Aug 22 2014, 17:08

Joanna wrote:Warning


Slightly Rude Adult Riddles



Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?*

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, nine inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A .. They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Girl.... has the doctor changed your medication???????????????????????????  PS--- (off topic) Got any snow yet??

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Aug 22 2014, 18:07

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and 
it won !!

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey 
that he entered it in the next race, 
and it won that race too.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S 

ASS OUT FRONT.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of 
publicity that he ordered the 
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.

The next day the local paper headline read:
 
“BISHOP 
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S 
ASS”.


This was too much for the Bishop, so he 
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a 
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted 
the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!!


The Bishop fainted ….

He informed the Nun that she would have to 
get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. 

 
So she sold it to a local farmer for $10. 
The next day the paper read:

“NUN 
SELLS ASS FOR $10”.


This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the 
donkey, and take it to the plains 
where it could run wild.
 

The next day the headlines read: 

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is .. . . being 
concerned about public opinion can 
bring you much grief and misery,  

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and 
you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day and laugh

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Sep 01 2014, 23:59

[size=32]I laughed, especially at the end.  Too cute.
The Cosby Show was brilliant and this little actress was amazing[/size]

Bill Cosby was brilliant.
This just shows how down to earth and simple, humour can be ...
with not one bad word !

http://2funny4you.net/birth

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Tue Sep 02 2014, 00:43

Pattygirl, I edited your post as there was put a period at the end of the url and it came up with an error when clicked.  So I removed the period and now the link works.

BTW I LMAO!  Funny!

And I just realized something, this was filmed in front of a live audience = that little girl sure had a LOT of lines to learn and deliver in one scene!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Sep 02 2014, 12:22

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home [url=x-apple-data-detectors://11]on Sunday night[/url], his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After 30 minutes of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me 
for a couple of days..."?

The husband couldn't believe his luck, 
he looked up, smiled and said,
"That would suit me just fine"!!

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still 
didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 oopsie.....married life aye ?

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Sep 02 2014, 12:32

Loved the Bill Cosby sketch, thanks patty....can we have one every day please to help the day along ?? LOL

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Sep 02 2014, 16:46

Lorna, thanks for fixing error. Just did a copy - Paste and didn't check it out.  Original worked just fine on my end so I thought it would.

Joanna, you are welcome - I'll try to do as you ask but it's when I get them from my email buddies that I send them on.  Smile

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Sep 16 2014, 19:05


Here's your English lesson  for the day!
"Complete" or "Finished"?

                                 
No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the
difference between "complete" and  "finished. 

 
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in  
London, England, and attended by some of the 
best linguists in the world,  Samsundar  Balgobin, a Guyanese
linguist, was the presenter when  he was asked to
make that very distinction.




The question put to him  by a colleague in the 
erudite audience was this:
Some say there is no difference between complete 
and  finished. Please  explain the difference in a
way that is easy to understand.


 
Mr. Balgobin's response: 
When you marry the  right woman, you are
complete.  If you marry  the  wrong woman, you
are finished. And, if the right one catches you
with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

His  answer received a  five minute standing  ovation.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Sep 16 2014, 19:13

Oh patty....that's a good one.

Laughing out loud

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Tue Sep 16 2014, 23:53

Great one, Pattygirl. Someone should send that to George. Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Sep 17 2014, 13:48

Long, but Funny!   Smile
 
 
A few years ago, my wife and I moved into a retirement development on Florida 's southeast coast.  We are living in the "Delray/ Boca/Boynton Golf, Spa, Bath and Tennis Club on Lake Fake-a-Hachee".   There are 3,000 lakes in Florida; only three are real.
 
Our biggest retirement concern was time management. What were we going to do all day? No longer. Let me assure you, passing the time is not a problem.

 
Our days are eaten up by simple, daily activities. Just getting out of our car takes 15 minutes. Trying to find where we parked takes 20 minutes. It takes a half-hour in the check-out line in Wal-Mart, and 1 hour to return the item the next day.
 
Let me take you through a typical day: We get up at 5:00 am, have a quick breakfast and join the early morning Walk-and-Fart Club. There are about 30 of us, and rain or shine, we walk around the streets, all talking at once. Every development has some late risers who stay in bed until 6:00 am. After a nimble walk, avoiding irate drivers out to make us road kill, we go back home, shower and change for the next activity.

 
My wife goes directly to the pool for her underwater Pilates class, followed by gasping for breath and CPR. I put on my 'Ask me about my Grandchildren' T-shirt, my plaid mid-calf shorts, my black socks and sandals and go to the clubhouse lobby for a nice nap.  Before we know it, it's time for lunch.

 
We go to Costco to partake of the many tasty samples dispensed by ladies in white hair nets. All free! After a filling lunch, if we don't have any doctor appointments, we might go to the flea market to see if any new white belts have come in or to buy a Rolex watch for $2.00. 
 
We're usually back home by 2:00 pm to get ready for dinner. People start lining up for the early bird about 3:00 pm, but we get there by 3:45 because we're late eaters.

 
The dinners are very popular because of the large portions they serve. We can take home enough food for the next day's lunch and dinner, including extra bread, crackers, packets of mustard, relish, ketchup and Splenda, along with mints.
 
 At 5:30 pm we're home, ready to watch the 6 o'clock news. By 6:30 pm we're fast asleep. Then we get up and make five or six trips to the bathroom during the night, and it's time to get up and start a new day all over again.

 
Doctor-related activities eat up most of our retirement time. I enjoy reading old magazines in sub-zero temperatures in the waiting room, so I don't mind.

 
Calling for test results also helps the days fly by. It takes at least a half-hour just getting through the doctor's phone menu. Then there's the hold time until we're connected to the right party. Sometimes they forget we're holding, and the whole office goes off to lunch.

 
Should we find we still have time on our hands, volunteering provides a rewarding opportunity to help the less fortunate.

 
Florida has the largest concentration of seniors under five feet and they need our help. I myself am a volunteer for 'The Vertically Challenged Over 80.' I coach their basketball team, The Arthritic Avengers. The hoop is only 4-1/2 feet from the floor. You should see the look of confidence on their faces when they make a slam dunk.

 
Food shopping is a problem for short seniors, or 'bottom feeders' as we call them, because they can't reach the items on the upper shelves. There are many foods they've never tasted. After shopping, most seniors can't remember where they parked their cars and wander the parking lot for hours while their food defrosts.

 
Lastly, it's important to choose a development with an impressive name. Italian names are very popular in Florida. They convey world travelers, uppity sophistication and wealth. Where would you rather live: Murray's Condos or the Lakes of Venice? There's no difference -- they're both owned by Murray, who happens to be a cheap bastard.

 
I hope this material has been of help to you future retirees. If I can be of any further assistance, please look me up when you're in Florida. I live in the Leaning Condos of Pisa in Boynton Beach.

 
MEANING OF LIFE IN 13 WORDS – "INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED"..........!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Sep 17 2014, 14:28

looool Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed Sep 17 2014, 15:46

Oh, and I'm almost there PattyGirl!  Thanks for the forewarning!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed Sep 17 2014, 15:52

Political Statement:

Some like the smell of the Right Wing
Some like the smell of the Left Wing

Everyone loves the smell of Chicken Wings!!!

=============================

Too much money available?

The Government is known to make available funding for some interesting investigations and experiments to better our world.

Now, it's important when building a home or structure to make sure that it is safe.  So, in a lab somewhere, several structures were built.  One each of stone, brick, glass, steel and wood.  Then, they were all set on fire.

Several million dollars later it was determined that WOOD BURNS.  duh...

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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