JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Very Funny Lorna   

A Saturday joke from my mate.....



How to get to Heaven from Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting
to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me
into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out:
'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

    


Very Funny

Just got this from my mate....he's a similar age to me.
This is how life was here in UK during 40' to50's
so it brought a lot of memories back to me.



Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,'
I informed him.
'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'home,'' I explained.
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table,
and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school... I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 PM, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people...

Pizzas were not delivered to our home...
But bread & milk were.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --My brother delivered a newspaper, seven days a week.
He had to get up at 6 every morning.

Film stars kissed with their mouths shut.
At least, they did in the films.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old lemonade bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea.
She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning.
(There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7. Peashooters
8. 33 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulb
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
Don't forget to pass this along!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.

something I don't know (in Italy things were different) but some other things  were similar here too

I guess things were pretty much the same in the US in those days. I remember them all. Had milk and bread delivered, also newspaper. In fact, regarding bread delivery - I had a working mother, so when I came home from school, I had to get the bread which was hung by a string by the back window (animal proofing). On Fridays, my mother left the money for that weeks deliveries by the window. One Friday when I went to retrieve the day's bread delivery, I found a 20 dollar bill on the floor. I knew it had to be the deliverer's, so I called my mother at work and she got in touch with the company that delivered. Driver came the next day, his day off, retrieved his money and left us a whole bunch of bread and cakes as a thank you. That wouldn't happen today!

probably not
but who knows?

When I was very very young we had a local dairyman
come round with a pony and trap. He had milk urns on board and would sell milk that way.
I remember he had a long handled ladle to measure the milk out into our own jugs.

amazing
really interesting

pattygirl wrote:so I called my mother at work

Wow, you had a phone at home?! I was 15 when we got our first phone. But our family are what I guess you'd call "late adapters" - we only got colour TV when I was 18 and I'm only just in my 40s now.

Even my first student digs, we had to use the phone box down the street to call anyone. Those were the days when I knew people's phone numbers!

oh my! you are right!

but they were way shorter than now!!!

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. And, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept. I wept. We all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

really funny ( but sorry not new here )

  

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under
the ice."

The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."

A smart 4 year old ! LINK   

Atalante wrote:A smart 4 year old ! Link  

Not quite appropriate for the Jokes section Atalante and really don't see why you would use the LOL emoticon with it.

What is wrong with you ?   

Atalante wrote:What is wrong with you ?   

You posted a request to sign a petition to stop the slaughter of dolphins which is a SERIOUS subject that many people care about.  You post it in the JOKES section which makes you seem to be mocking the subject.  So that's what's WRONG with me.  You pissed me off and you think it's funny to make fun of things that are horrible and heartbreaking.

LOL isn't appropriate.

You know YOU think everything you post is funny. Well here's a news flash, you're not as funny as you think.

Ah that was the wrong link. This is the right one: LINK Oh and thanks for that newsflash. Some of you do have a temper !   

Yes we do especially when you push the right buttons. And I will apologize since you noted you posted the wrong link.

dunno about the dolphins
but this 4 yrs old kid is fantastic    

 
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales . At the village of
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce the place where we are, and say it very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said: - 'Burrr … gurrr … king'

 

An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer three questions on the Bible".

"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied

"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.

"3rd - What happened when the disciples went
to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the s***e
out of them!!"

This one is absolutely great! Sorry I couldn't do more than link - just can't get the hang of it.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/G0PekTUmBdY?feature=player_embedded

From my Joke Mate.....


Old Testament computing....

This is hilarious. Whoever wrote it is a genius.


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.
The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.
It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel ,
or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it
YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

And ain't that the truth ?

For Maggy....rumoured to be a favourite of George's some time ago....

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CO5nbBfCnkY

A deleted scene from Gravity ??

Oh George....really !

http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_flatulance_cartoons/beans_and_astronauts.shtml

Thanks, Jo!

Funny monkey video.

I was waiting for the punch line on that last video when...   

ROTFL!

That's hysterical - and typical!  

Very typical, I have a husband who has in the past, put a box on a chair and stood on it to reach our attic, instead of going outside and getting the ladder!! Men

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in NY State. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59.



His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.  He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

pattygirl wrote:Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in NY State. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59.



His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.  He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

   

Oh that's brilliant patty.....I've just emailed to everyone.....but changed the sexes.

It's even funnier then !

  

Thanks for the laughs Pattygirl   

For the Single Girls......Good News....



The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have
their own money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors
have never been visited.

Ooooops.......the F word is used here.....

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/KBxSntGGm8U?rel=0

funny on both!

A wife buys a dozen pairs of underpants
of the same colour for her hubby.

The hubby protested saying
"Why buy me the same colour ?
People will think I
never change my underwear !"

Wife asks "Which People ?"
There was total silence...

Romance is not dead . . . .



A middle-aged couple were excited that they had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their mobile phones.



The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.



She texted:


If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you

The husband texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise . . . .

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH





Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement -
not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear,
and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!



A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new,
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it,

but she refused.


Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,

And I'm wearing it, she replied.



Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,
''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress.

After all, it's your special day.''



A few days later, they went shopping, and did find

another gorgeous dress for her mother.



When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,

''Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another Occasion where you could wear it."



Her mother just smiled and replied,
''Of course I do, dear.....

I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner

the night BEFORE the wedding.''



(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE,

WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

Brilliant patty....just Brilliant ! Lol

IRISH DIET

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet..
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly
Again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded .... 'I'll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 'tird day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the damned skippin.'

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck

Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beach Boys,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

This afternoon, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck ,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,

The President of the United States


Damn I love this truck....

That joke came out during Bush years right?

or as I so lovingly call it - CRS!!!