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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Wed 20 Nov 2013, 07:48

This is not a joke but little (could be true) story about Winston Churchill.

Supposedly he asked a socialite whether she’d sleep with him for a million pounds. The socialite replied “Well, I’d think that I would, Mr. Churchill.” He then asked if she’d sleep with him for ten pounds, to which she replied “Certainly not, Mr. Churchill. What kind of a woman do you think I am?”

To which Churchill replied “I believe we’ve established that, madam. Now we’re just haggling over the price.”
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Wed 20 Nov 2013, 20:34

Carla97 wrote:This is not a joke but little (could be true) story about Winston Churchill.

Supposedly he asked a socialite whether she’d sleep with him for a million pounds. The socialite replied “Well, I’d think that I would, Mr. Churchill.” He then asked if she’d sleep with him for ten pounds, to which she replied “Certainly not, Mr. Churchill. What kind of a woman do you think I am?”

To which Churchill replied “I believe we’ve established that, madam. Now we’re just haggling over the price.”


It's a joke. Have seen many permutations just changing out the name of the guy offering the million bucks (or pounds).
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Thu 21 Nov 2013, 10:54


ROTFL 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 21 Nov 2013, 11:34

Oh that's SO funny ! Thanks.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Tue 26 Nov 2013, 19:22

I received a list of funny wine tasting notes today. I laughed so hard, too bad they are not in english. Tried to look up but couldn´t find... the words they use to describe the taste, basically everything your mother told you never to put into your mouth...
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed 27 Nov 2013, 20:36

Well, I had my mammogram this morning and I've decided that they should replace those cold hard plastic plates with George's hands...

And I found this poem which pretty much sums up a mammogram!  I don't know the origin, but I've seen it for probably 15-20 years.


The Mammogram Poem

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line,)
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vice!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Fri 29 Nov 2013, 08:06

an oldie but a goodie


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Fri 29 Nov 2013, 08:08



Just think..........


If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey

instead of a turkey, we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....






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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri 29 Nov 2013, 12:42

playfuldeb wrote:an oldie but a goodie


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

poor Patricia... Crying or Very sad 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LizzyNY on Tue 03 Dec 2013, 01:46

Melbert - I never saw that poem before. It's really funny (and true!), but what really cracked me up was the picture I got in my mind of George sitting there squishing all those boobs! - We'd probably all die of old age waiting in line for our turn, because you just know the lines would stretch for miles!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Tue 03 Dec 2013, 03:35

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Tue 03 Dec 2013, 12:22

Oh, that is funny TheMinis! They had a plan!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Tue 03 Dec 2013, 13:19

Yeah I thought so too
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 14:18

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
>>
>>There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
>>
>>"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
>>
>>'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
>>
>>
>>She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
>>
>>''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
>>
>>"Don't Fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
>>
>>I love these touching stories!
>>
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 15:55

LOOL !!!


btw right now 13'600 postsssssssss!!!!!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 19:26

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeers grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeers retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 20:20

Yes only women would do that. Thanks to god they do, otherwise the whole Santa thing would be in jeopardy! Who is he anyway, some bearded weirdo from the North Pole visiting every house once he has a chance.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 22:08

  MEDICAL   UPDATE
Remember this  the next time
you have
major surgery 
and  need
a blood transfusion!
This  is good to   know.


MEDICAL   ALERT

Australian  Medical Association researchers
have found 
that  patients needing blood transfusions
may benefit  from receiving 
chicken  blood 
rather  than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay  better.

Just  thought you'd like to  know.



BLESSED  ARE THOSE 
WHO ARE 
CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES
WHO LET IN THE  LIGHT!

Yahooooo 




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 22:14




A man goes into Waterstones
and asks the
young lady assistant,

 "Do you have the
new book
out
 for men
with short penises?"
 


She replies,
"I'm not sure if it's in yet."
 


"That's the one;
I'll take a copy…"
 





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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Fri 06 Dec 2013, 22:42

LOL !!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sat 07 Dec 2013, 23:53

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hahahahahaha

Post by Einstein on Sun 08 Dec 2013, 03:17

it's me wrote:Max!

http://youtu.be/EUm-vAOmV1o


hahahahahaha just cool the video .... I have the same posted in my Facebook account .... hahahahahaha
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Einstein on Sun 08 Dec 2013, 03:25

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Einstein on Sun 08 Dec 2013, 03:29

one of the best videos on youtube haha haha haha haha haha haha haha
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sun 08 Dec 2013, 08:45

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sun 08 Dec 2013, 08:47

I can understand it can be fun but
poor old man!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun 08 Dec 2013, 22:14

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 00:30


Wow...An Office Party !


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memoo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012

RE: The F****** Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your F****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you F****** wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!


Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 00:50

Joanna do you know why your post was so freakin funny that I almost peed my pants?  Because every year my boss hosts a luncheon for our employees, but guess who gets to plan it?  Yup, me and I've gotten those type of requests mostly about what food this person can eat and what food that person won't eat, etc.

This will be the 10th year I've had to plan it, run it, decorate it and clean up after it.

I frankly have said "Fuck it" this year and am not going all out like had in the past because those fuckers I work with are all a pain in the ass!  But I still had to worry about the food on the menu!

So NO pork for those who can't eat pork so the holiday ham with the crackly maple glaze the chef suggested was crossed off the menu as soon as I saw it.

The vegetarians get to eat the freakin salad and the veggies and NO I'm not getting them a separate veggie dish (like I used to in the past).

That lactose intolerant fucker - one - one only - is going to either eat the greens with the butter or go without cause I'm not getting him a separate dish either - especially since he threw me under the bus earlier this year when I tried to help him with something.  HE fucked it up but then tried to pin the blame on me.  As far as I'm concerned, if he eats something with dairy in it he can just keep running to the mensroom to fart away, fart away!!

We of course, can't have any shellfish cause then the one gal who ate shrimp two years ago even though she knows she's allergic but decided to anyway, will just end up in the hospital again, so can't even consider that for the meal either!

So yes, that "joke" was hysterical to me. Thanks for the laughs but it also showed me that my issues aren't quite as bad as hers!  

Next year I'm retiring before the holidays and the fuckers are on their own!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 00:56

OMFE Lorna....you are one patient gal !!!!

LOL! 

I used to arrange the Christmas party at work
years ago...Food ???? They were more worried that the booze would run out !
But that was well before the drink & drive ban
was in force.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 01:21

Booze? Ha, didn't think about that. Maybe I'll sneak a flask into the luncheon and by the end I won't care what they eat!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by amaretti on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 02:47

He he he heeee Too funny .

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 07:45

Hilarious "grill of death" Laughing 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon 09 Dec 2013, 10:04

From MSN UK....


Ten Worst Things You Can Say at Work

Paul MacKenzie-Cummins for CareerBuilder


The British have a reputation for being intelligently humorous, polite, reserved and proud of our stiff upper-lip, as satirised by shows such as Fawlty Towers and Blackadder. But, when it comes to the office, many UK workers are guilty of displaying bad manners towards their colleagues and committing verbal faux pas on a regular basis.

So, if you want to stay on the right side of your co-workers, here are some of the things you may wish to avoid saying out loud.

1. "You are the dumbest boss that I have ever had"

You have just landed the job of your dreams and you can't wait to give your current boss the two-fingered salute and tell him exactly what you think of him. But, resist the temptation to bad mouth and let off steam. Take the following true case that appeared in The Times as an example of what you should not say. One person referred to their employer as "having an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel." He added: "You are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time." Remember, your comments will be filed for future reference if requested by another employer.

2. "That's not my job"

With your 'to-do' list showing no signs of getting shorter, your boss walks into your office to ask if you do a 'little' job for him, which results in you taking on more work than you can realistically manage. But, a "blunt refusal to help, will simply burn bridges and damage goodwill," says psychologist Bryan Carroll. "Instead, simply explain your existing commitments -- and perhaps propose another time that you could offer assistance."

3. "Anyone can do his job"

Are you quick to badmouth your boss or ridicule their decisions or initiatives? Watch out: the boss hears everything that is said in the office -- good and bad. Assume that what you say will eventually get back to him via the network of office gossips. And the next time you notice yourself griping, ask yourself, "Is it more important to vent my frustrations, or to get that next promotion?" One expects the latter will be your reply.

4. "Take the whole pack of Trebor's, please - you need them more than me"

This approach is about as subtle as a brick and you may want to re-assess your diplomacy skills. The best way to tell someone that their breath is a problem is to do so discreetly. If a colleague has bad breath, offer a mint or furtively leave a packet on their desk.

5. "Sack me and you will regret it"

These were the famous last words of Martin Jol shortly before his dismissal as Tottenham Hotspur manager. Just because you were the number one salesperson or are credited with reversing the fortunes of the company in the past, does not guarantee that you will have a job indefinitely. Remember, nobody owes you a job. And, as the saying goes: you are only as good as your last game.

6. "Why can't I log onto Facebook anymore?"

The Daily Telegraph reported with reference to a survey for HCL Technologies that half of workers have been banned by their employers from Facebook and other social networking sites. The reason is because they detract staff from doing what they are paid to do - work. Besides, do you really want to run the risk of your boss peering over your shoulder and finding out what you really get up to at the weekend?

7. "Have a go if you think you're hard enough"

Most of us don't get to choose the people we work with and your colleagues come as part of the package when you take a job. So it would be unrealistic to presume that you will get on with everyone all of the time. But if the tension between you and a colleague threatens to boil over, physically remove yourself from confrontation and allow yourself sufficient time to work out a passive response. "We've all said things in anger that we later regret," says Nancy Peterson, co-founder of the Mediation Agency. "A lot of conflict could be avoided if people didn't wrongly hypothesise a reason for someone's behaviour, and make a poor decision based on this judgement."

8. "I do like to dabble in recreational drugs every now and again"

If you do 'dabble' then make sure you keep it to yourself -- whatever you tell people now will become more widely known as you climb the career ladder and, you may find that that climb comes to an abrupt halt sooner than you think. In a survey of email blunders, officebroker.com in the UK found the case of an employee who, following a 'sick' day, sent an email to a colleague explaining his illness was due to 'class A's'. Unfortunately, he sent it to everyone in his company including the senior management. He now works elsewhere!

9. "Go away, I'll do it when I'm ready"

With Britain's long-hours working culture, it is easy to feel swamped by the increasing amount of work that you have to get through every day. But, there really is no excuse for bad manners at work.

10. "How did he ever get promoted?"

You may think that you are smarter than you really are and perhaps feel that it should have been you rather than your new boss who deserved a promotion. But don't follow the route of constantly bemoaning or spreading vicious gossip about your boss -- a condition termed 'post-traumatic embitterment disorder' by researchers at the University of Berlin. Moreover, in your eagerness to prove to your superiors that they were wrong to pass you over for promotion, you run risk of being seen as an irritant or, worse still, desperate. So never point out what could be done better unless you are canvassed for your opinion by your boss.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri 13 Dec 2013, 22:57

UK Adverts....Number 1 is Great !











http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5dO3Q9-qzhI
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri 13 Dec 2013, 23:24

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Einstein on Fri 13 Dec 2013, 23:42

Joanna wrote:UK Adverts....Number 1 is Great !







Joanna the video that you've posted here is really great







http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5dO3Q9-qzhI
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Einstein on Fri 13 Dec 2013, 23:43




it´s me the photos are yery great
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Wed 18 Dec 2013, 11:33

Santa saw your Facebook & Twitter photos and posts and tweets. You're getting clothes and a dictionary for this Christmas - Santa Claus
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed 18 Dec 2013, 11:52

lol
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 18 Dec 2013, 13:47

A little girl wrote to Santa....

Dear Santa
Please will you deliver some clothes
to the ladies on Grand Dad's computer ?
Love Ermentrude x x
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by amaretti on Wed 18 Dec 2013, 17:37

Too funny . He h heee

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon 23 Dec 2013, 03:03


>A sweet grandmother
>Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked,
>
>"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
>
>The operator said,
>
>"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
>
>The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
>
>The operator replied,
>"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
>
>After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
>"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
>Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
>
>The grandmother said,
>"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
>News."
>
>The operator replied,
>"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
>
>The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
>
>TRUE STORY
>
>



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 28 Dec 2013, 15:01

Noticed by a train traveller....

A sign in the toilet on a Virgin Trains service from London to Holyhead.

It reads: "Please do not flush nappies, sanitary towels, old mobile phones, unpaid bills,
your ex's jumper, hopes, dreams or goldfish down the toilet."
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon 30 Dec 2013, 09:42

THE OLDER WOMAN
.....by a Chap after a Night Out


I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double".

'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

'Mum, you still awake?'
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Wed 01 Jan 2014, 00:22

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri 03 Jan 2014, 19:56

---------- is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sat 04 Jan 2014, 04:37


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sat 04 Jan 2014, 04:43

Why I love Twitter:


UberFacts@UberFacts 21 Dec
In WWI, a British soldier named Henry Tandey saved the life of a wounded german soldier, who was later identified as Adolf Hitler.


Castiel@Ianadelshady 21 Dec
@UberFacts who cares justin is releasing journals album



Robbie@Risdnn 21 Dec
@Iordeslays kill yourself.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun 05 Jan 2014, 15:40

I'm putting this in Jokes, however, it's a little bit too true...

http://www.seniorwomen.com/articles/rose/articlesRoseStranger.html

The Stranger in My House

by Rose Madeline Mula

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was.

She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into a mirror directly to check on my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very disconcerting. I've tried screaming at her to leave — but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She's really rather frightening.

If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough. In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think she steals money from me quite regularly. I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers it. You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it.

And money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate. Especially the good stuff — ice cream, cookies, candy ... I just can't seem to keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should watch it; she's putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself feel better, I know she's tampering with my scale so I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too. For an old lady, she's really quite childish.She also gets into my closets when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every day.

Another thing: I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers on my desk. I can't find a thing any more. This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely neat and organized; but she manages to jumble everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be. Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles with it after I leave the rom so it records the wrong channel or shuts off completely.

She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She gets to my newspapers, magazines and mail before me and blurs all the print; and she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn, and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of.

Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about impossible to open. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night. More than once her snoring has awakened me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very unattractive.

As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining her malevolence to the house. She's now found a way to sneak into my car with me and follow me wherever I go. I see her reflection in store windows as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an identical outfit — which looks ridiculous on her — and then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that; but yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just as the shutter clicked. Disaster! I have never seen such a terrible picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to believe that the crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home. On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.




This piece first appeared on May 8, 1997 in the Andover, MA Townsman and has been reproduced in an Ann Landers column in October of 1999.


Editor's Note: Rose Mula's most recent book, The Beautiful People and Other Aggravations, is now available at your favorite bookstore, through Amazon.com and other online bookstores, and through Pelican Publishing (800-843-1724), as is her previous book, If These Are Laugh Lines, I'm Having Way Too Much Fun.






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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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