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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun 25 Aug 2013, 10:05

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Nicky80 on Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:14

HAHAHA oh great one
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue 27 Aug 2013, 06:20

TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f*ck.

How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?

Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue 27 Aug 2013, 06:27

Alcohol Warnings

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer
brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: he consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue 27 Aug 2013, 07:01

Oh my
Amazing! LOOOOOOL !!!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Tue 27 Aug 2013, 10:24

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

Yep it can... and it went hand in with this...

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu 29 Aug 2013, 04:03



FIRST DEGREE



A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know; that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.



The husband said, 'Who was that?'



The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



SECOND DEGREE



Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'



The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'



So, the first blonde hands her the compact.



The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'



THIRD DEGREE



A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.



The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'



The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



FOURTH DEGREE



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'



A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'



The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'



FIFTH DEGREE



Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?



A: 'Is it mine?'



SIXTH DEGREE



Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.



Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'







SEVENTH DEGREE



Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.



As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 29 Aug 2013, 07:23

LOOOL Laughing 
Poor blondes.... Rolling Eyes 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Dior on Thu 29 Aug 2013, 10:33

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 31 Aug 2013, 08:39

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

Sofa bounce 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Sun 01 Sep 2013, 20:57

LOOOL Joanna! In here house numbers do not necessarily follow any order, so it could be at the other end of the village Smile Might be worth the walk, these things you never know. Laughing 
----
A good man can make you feel like you can take on the world.... Oh no sorry.. No no nooo... Its wine.... wine does that
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun 01 Sep 2013, 20:58

A good man is hard to find

BUT

A hard man is good to find!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Sun 01 Sep 2013, 21:07

I have given up both. And also the perfect man. My dream is not to find the perfect, good, hard man but to be able to eat more than a hippo without gaining any weight.

I just realised this. All new to me too. Laughing 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Mon 02 Sep 2013, 00:37

Loooool

No
Not me
Even if I like to eat!

A man who awakening up with Very Happy 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Katiedot on Mon 02 Sep 2013, 05:19

What's wrong with hippos?
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Mon 02 Sep 2013, 09:38

Lol !


Again
My dream is to wake up
With an affectionate man Give hearts 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Wed 04 Sep 2013, 22:37

LMAO!



man:  Annita, do you agree with the Ministry of Health to lower a woman's pregnancy from 9 months to 6 months?
woman:  yes, it is something real good
man:  why?
woman:  because it gives a woman an opportunity to study to focus and to progress and get ahead.
man:  because she wastes 3 months, lost time, right?
man:  Would you do it!
woman:  of course I would.
man:  so you agree with this new project from the Ministry of Health? (to lower a woman's pregnancy from 9 months to 6)
woman:  yes, I agree, I approve of it.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Wed 04 Sep 2013, 22:44

Oh Maggy, better yet to let men do all the pregnancy thing, they can decide themselves how long and how (the whole thing) before they deliver!

I´ll be supportive from a distance Smile
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Wed 04 Sep 2013, 22:46

Coolio 

LOL!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Wed 04 Sep 2013, 23:40

Another long day and Bridget Jones´ moment of the day

At the lunch with bunch of colleagues. Men changed the subject to football. Woman next to me didn´t like it. She whispered if I know something about it, I should participate, so it doesn´t look like we are idiots.

I listened for a while and then my moment came. One guy pulled a football shirt from his briefcase. It read "Flying Emirates" big and bold in the front. At the same time other guy asked him when the next game is.

And I asked against who they are playing?

- Who do you mean? Asked the guy with the shirt.
- Flying Emirates. I said.
- Flying Emirates is an airline based in Dubai, Carla. He said. It´s an add.
- Oh. Of course it must be the class of wine and the sun that got to me. I meant the... and pointed the logo.
- Real Madrid? Is that what you mean?
- Yes.
- Who do you think is their best player?
- ???? ---- Carlos. I tried my luck with this name.
- There´s no one by that name this year. What´s the last name?
- Last name, last name, can´t think of the last name (because I have no idea)
- Maybe he played in some other league. What´s your favorite? Barcelona?
- Yeah Barcelona, that could be it.
- Usually fans are dedicated and they know their league. But I guess Carla hasn´t made up her mind yet, but she supports where ever this Carlos plays, unless she forgets his first name too.

Woman tried to come to my rescue. She said she knows many excellent football players with a name Carlos. Don´t make it any worse I tried to morse her.

Guy was laughing and said he is going to get me ticket s for the game. No no. I am not going.

Yep, book reading time for me..
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 05 Sep 2013, 00:05

Mag
Can't see the vid
What is the 9 to 6 months thing?
confused can't understand....
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 05 Sep 2013, 00:08

Jo! Looooove your new avatar!!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Mon 09 Sep 2013, 03:51

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 12 Sep 2013, 11:22

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 12 Sep 2013, 12:08

Can this be seen please ?



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:40


webkit-fake-url://24AF1FEE-2C07-45C5-9692-65678E5C3408/imagejpeg


That?


No
They also say it's fake
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 14 Sep 2013, 14:03

No sex after surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied,
 "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology
– all we did was correct his eyesight."



Coolio
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sat 14 Sep 2013, 14:35

At ay ay ....

Your lost pic Jo? What was about?
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 14 Sep 2013, 14:50

it's me wrote:At ay ay ....

Your lost pic Jo? What was about?

Can't remember now...CRS....Lol
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 14 Sep 2013, 17:32

Based on UK Sweeties......
A Love Story Love3 

FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which
made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with
Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts !
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat 14 Sep 2013, 21:37

hahahahahaha!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 03:04

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband was at work. Her 9-year old son comes home early from school and sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a golf ball.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$50'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together... Boy - 'Dark in here.' Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy - '$450' Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball and we will go outside to have some short game practice.' The boy says, 'I can't. I sold my ball and sand wedge.' The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?' Boy - '$500.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost.I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.' They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.'The voice from other side says quietly, 'Don't start that crap with me again. You're in my closet now.'
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 03:12

oh dear... hahahahahahahaha!!!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 06:29

affraid 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 15:20

good one, pattygirl!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 20:26

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes.

Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.
The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
 
 
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
 
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
 
 
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” 
So I took her to Bunning’s.
 
  
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.
 
 
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. 
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
 
  
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. 
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. 
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
  
 
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip.
“I need to be punished.” 
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
 
  
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” 
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
  
 
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. 
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
 
  
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
  
 
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. 
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
  
 
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” 
She nodded. 
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
 
  
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” 
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 20:33

Jewish daughter says to her mother, 
"I'm divorcing Irv. All he Wants is sex, sex
and more sex. 
My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece." 

Her mother says, ...

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,
you live in an 8 Bedroom mansion,
you drive a £350,000 Ferrari.

You get £3,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away..... 

..... over 45 pence?"
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 20:38

My 5 o'clock email jokes mate has been in touch again !






After proposing to his girlfriend at the weekend, Paddy was driving to Brighton for a night of passion. 


As he pulled up at a set of traffic lights on red he slid his hand under her skirt up past the top of her stockings and stopped.
 She whispered in his ear
“Paddy as we are now engaged you can go further” 
so Paddy drove on to Bournemouth.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 21:14

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

ROTFLOL Joanna! Smile
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 21:52

Loved the jokes, Jo! Tell your mate to keep 'em coming!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 22:05

A joke from my 3 year old

Mummy, whats big brown and sticky
"a stick"

Lame I know but gee whiz I laughed like an idiot
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 22:23

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true. 

Not so sure LoL

~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. ...

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. 

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. 
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. 

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience
he had just had. 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't even drunk. 

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Frank... there's that idiot that got in the car
while we were pushing it !"
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 22:50

Oh Joanna, that was a good one !!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 23:40

Yes LOOOL !!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 23:50

My mate usually sends some at 5pm !

He's going on holiday soon so I may be on short supply.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by What Would He Say on Wed 18 Sep 2013, 23:58




OOh Joanna

I kept thinking "I can't read on I will have nightmares".... X:nailbiting: 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 19 Sep 2013, 00:03

Lol Lol.....it's well written isn't it ?
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Thu 19 Sep 2013, 01:50

" />
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 19 Sep 2013, 08:53

Good one playful. Lol
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 19 Sep 2013, 09:15

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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