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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Wed 03 Jul 2013, 18:16

To answer Joanna - Re Paula Deen

During a deposition in May (contents of which were not filed and made public until June 19th) Paula admitted to using the n-word.

Her subsequent comments, tearful apologies, etc. made everything worse for her.  She has been dropped from Food Network, her book has been cancelled (despite huge pre-sales in the wake of the scandal) she's been dropped by major retailers like Sears, JC Penny, Target etc. who carried her cookware.  She's been dropped from endorsement contracts for diabetis drugs.  Big bruhaha over here about it.

Many detractors / many supporters.  

Google her and you'll come up with tons of stories about it. Below is just one from huffington post.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/paula-deen-racist-comments-n-word-caught-on-video_n_3467287.html

And this isn't a joke so maybe is anyone wants to discuss we can move to a new thread.  Thx.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 03 Jul 2013, 18:57

Thanks Lorna...I Googled her now and got some more information.



Nearly a full house now of nationality jokes....

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of bears and eagles, beautifully sparkling lakes bountiful with trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued,
"I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants will prosper.
I shall call these inhabitants "Canadians", and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God.
"Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to
give them.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed 03 Jul 2013, 18:58

Oh my! Lol
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed 03 Jul 2013, 20:59

Ha! Loved that one about Canadian neighbors, Jo! Wish I knew a Canadian to send it to!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 03 Jul 2013, 21:52


DOGGY STYLE :noun

"A sexual position which allows
both participants to watch TV"
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Dior on Wed 10 Jul 2013, 10:47

Yesterday I had to go to the dentist for a roots canal treatment.
When I went there, two business men were in the same elevator and saw me pressing the button for the dentist's floor.

They asked me, what was wrong and I told them, I would have this nice treatment.

One of them tried to be funny and said:" Oh, you know, this dentist is doing it without anaesthesia!"

Then I put up my face for "crazy" and said: " No problem, I already took my anaesthesia at home."

The way they were looking at me....priceless!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed 10 Jul 2013, 19:27

Male Logic


Woman:
> Do you drink beer?
> Man: Yes
>
> Woman:
> How many beers a day?
>
> Man:
> Usually about 3
>
> Woman:
> How much do you pay per beer?
>
> Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
>
> (This is where it gets scary !)
>
> Woman:
> And how long have you been drinking?
>
> Man:
> About 20 years, I suppose
>
> Woman:
> So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
> each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
> …correct?
>
> Man:
> Correct
>
> Woman:
> If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
> 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
>
> Man:
> Correct
>
> Woman:
> Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could
> have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
>
>
>
> for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
> a Ferrari?
>
> Man:
> Do you drink beer?
>
> Woman:
> No
>
> Man:
> Where’s your Ferrari?
>
>



____________________________________________________________
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 10 Jul 2013, 19:43

Nice one patty.....passing that on thanks.

I don't drink beer either....no Ferrari either !

(Martini Bianco is my poison). Drink 2 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 11 Jul 2013, 21:03

Magic !
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 11 Jul 2013, 22:41

Oh my!!!! What were those? Puppets?
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun 14 Jul 2013, 00:14

Very funny man....



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun 14 Jul 2013, 15:14

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sun 14 Jul 2013, 15:18

Oh Joanna, thanks so much for the laugh!! So much negative going on in the world right now so your sense of humor is so appreciated!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Sun 14 Jul 2013, 17:15

oh my that´s too funny Smile
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Sun 14 Jul 2013, 23:41

the magician is very good! And I love the phone call.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 14:56

Apparently hubby thought of me when he saw this, so thought Id share (even though he is obviously delusional)



This is the backstory -
When I was pregnant with our 2nd (keep that in mind 2nd pregnancy, he cannot claim ignorance as a defence). I had a massive craving for a cherry ripe (if you don't know it, its a bunch of cherry's wrapped in chocolate). I normally don't eat that bar but used the excuse that baby obviously wanted it. Like any good husband he ran off to the supermarket and I think he bought everything they sell that night except.... yes the damn cherry ripe that I couldn't get out of my mind. He did however buy me a snickers choc bar, don't believe the hype, it does not satisfy you when all you want is a bloody cherry ripe. So again like any good husband should (who values his life) he ran straight back to the supermarket. When he got home, he found me asleep in bed, so next day when I awoke and my first thought was cherry ripe, must have a cherry ripe, next to the kettle I found an empty wrapper of my hearts desire - a cherry ripe that my idiotic husband had eaten when he found me asleep.


Last edited by theminis on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 15:08; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : thought Id add context)
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 15:11

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 15:19

HU!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Mon 15 Jul 2013, 16:20

theminis wrote:Apparently hubby thought of me when he saw this, so thought Id share (even though he is obviously delusional)



This is the backstory -
When I was pregnant with our 2nd (keep that in mind 2nd pregnancy, he cannot claim ignorance as a defence).  I had a massive craving for a cherry ripe (if you don't know it, its a bunch of cherry's wrapped in chocolate).  I normally don't eat that bar but used the excuse that baby obviously wanted it.  Like any good husband he ran off to the supermarket and I think he bought everything they sell that night except.... yes the damn cherry ripe that I couldn't get out of my mind.  He did however buy me a snickers choc bar, don't believe the hype, it does not satisfy you when all you want is a bloody cherry ripe. So again like any good husband should (who values his life) he ran straight back to the supermarket.  When he got home, he found me asleep in bed, so next day when I awoke and my first thought was cherry ripe, must have a cherry ripe, next to the kettle I found an empty wrapper of my hearts desire -  a cherry ripe that my idiotic husband had eaten when he found me asleep.

Chocolate works miracles!
Any kind; milk, dark, any flavor - yes please, thank you!Very Happy 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Tue 16 Jul 2013, 00:49

Well I know it calms me down especially when hormonal, but too much gives me migraines so have to restrict myself sadly.
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Wed 17 Jul 2013, 18:10

Good Writing Advice

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descants and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy and vain vapid verbosity.

If you are really interested to know, the above means: “Be brief and don’t use big words.
----------
Hey, I´m no Hemingway either! He could tell a story with 6 words. Laughing
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 17 Jul 2013, 23:00

This is funny !
Imagine in your own country Coolio 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed 17 Jul 2013, 23:26

And was for?
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Juliette Hardy on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 00:46

I remember this prank in the media. It received a lot of criticism.
The prime minister of a former Eastern block Baltic nation (can't remember which) gets his "Basic Instinct" moment.
The TV presenter interviewed him on Live TV with the sole purpose of flashing her bare crotch by uncrossing her legs & embarrassing him. He looked uncomfortable.

Rather tacky & classless.

P.S. no offence, Jo. I like most of your posts in this thread.


Last edited by Juliette Hardy on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 06:19; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Added post script)
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 13:07

Right, absolutely no good to me

And then she will be always remembered for that
Was it worth?

 Was her completely idea? Was her in some way forced to?
What about her family, friends???

Neutral
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 14:00

Sorry if the video offended.
I found it funny in a "non politically correct" way....
Blame the unaccustomed heat wave I'm experiencing
at the moment.
I'm bored with it now and want some cool rain !
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Dior on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 20:13

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by ktsue2002 on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 21:14

Sofa bounce 
Dior wrote:
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 18 Jul 2013, 21:46

for good I hope!!!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri 19 Jul 2013, 20:17



British Humor ...



A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

Two million Muslims died a nd over a million were injured.



Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and t he governments don't know where t o start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.



The USA is sending troops to help.



Saudi Arabia is sending oil.



Latin American countries are sending s upplies.



New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.



The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding the i nfrastructure.



Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.



GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, i s sending two million replacement muslims.



God Bless GREAT BRITAIN.... Damn, those Brits are smart !!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 20 Jul 2013, 11:36

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.
 He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. 
The sheriff asks for license and registration.
The lawyer asks, "What for?" 
The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
 The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." 
"You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please,"
 say the sheriff impatiently.


 The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." 
The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."
 The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.


 The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat 20 Jul 2013, 12:03

Found on one of those "doctored pictures" sites some time ago.
Always makes me smile !



 
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sat 20 Jul 2013, 13:46

No
I don't like it
It's scaring!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue 23 Jul 2013, 00:28

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue 23 Jul 2013, 01:03

Poor Emma! Looooool I adore this adv Very Happy
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue 23 Jul 2013, 20:51

great video Joanna. Especially since it is posted after the post about the karma bus!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue 23 Jul 2013, 21:03

I've been on this in very calm seas.....it's not deep as you can tell by the wheels !


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Juliette Hardy on Tue 23 Jul 2013, 22:41

Looks like a mini Perfect Storm.  
Shocked 
Does it roll on the seabed or float?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed 24 Jul 2013, 00:23

No it doesn't float it motors along on the large wheels.
I used it around 20 years ago and it cost 50 pence
per crossing !
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Juliette Hardy on Thu 25 Jul 2013, 18:04

The Le Trefle toilet paper ad is very amusing.
I love the background blues song lyrics:
".....Every day you get on my nerves.
I'm begging you, please, just leave me alone....

 Laughing

Serves him right!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Thu 25 Jul 2013, 19:39

Technical support
from "Desperate"

Dear Tech Support:



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 2.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 2.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?



Desperate


Dear Desperate:


First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 2.0 is an operating system.
Install Tears 6.2 and enter the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
Husband 2.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 2.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 2.0.
In summary, Husband 2.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0



Tech Support
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu 25 Jul 2013, 19:44

Bella
Bellissima!!!! Lol Very Happy
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Thu 25 Jul 2013, 23:29

cute! I sent it to my techie friends
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri 26 Jul 2013, 12:50

A man rings the FBI and says: "I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom! He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood. "
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."


The next day, FBI agents descend upon Tom’s house and search the shed where the firewood is kept.
 Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Tom and leave.


That evening the phone rings at Tom’s house.


"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"


"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did … "


"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri 26 Jul 2013, 12:54

Oh my!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Dior on Fri 26 Jul 2013, 13:55

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri 26 Jul 2013, 14:30

Funny one Dearest Dior !
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Dior on Sun 28 Jul 2013, 12:02

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sun 28 Jul 2013, 12:45

Lol
Tough kitty!
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Carla97 on Sun 28 Jul 2013, 17:53

How can you recognize a gynecologist? He's wearing a watch above his elbow.

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

A psychiatrist congratulates his patient with a progress in treatment.
The patient: Do you really call it a progress? Six months ago I was a Napoleon and now I am nobody.

Wife returns from the clinics and tells her husband:
- The doctor recommended me to spend one month at the sea, two weeks in the countryside and go for one week abroad. Where will you take me first?
- To another doctor...
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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