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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu Mar 14 2013, 19:24

That was beautiful patty. Bravo cheers

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Mar 14 2013, 19:59

Good joke patty....but we all know it's you really....Lol Lol
"Happy Jumping". Thumbs up!

Joking of course.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Best in Category on Thu Mar 14 2013, 21:02

Thanks for the "jumps" laughs pattygirl! Very Happy

I broke up tonight, after dinner, suddenly. No one could have seen this was coming, but it did. It´s not sad, I feel great. I said:

Dear Diet, things just aren't going to work between us. It's not me, it's you. You're tasteless, boring and I can´t stand all the cravings that I have. Let's break up. Come on we are not gonna miss this. We are not gonna want this back.

Who wants to come over and cuddle with me now?

George can´t use that. For him maybe something like this:

You're too young for me.
I mean, too old.
We're the same age?
Well, that doesn't work for me, either.
I´m so sorry.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Mar 15 2013, 03:17

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...



A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital

where he had worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service

as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said,

"I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral… I'm a gynecologist."
The Priest fainted.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Fri Mar 15 2013, 11:24

hahahahahaha PattyGirl!!! How about the proctologist too????!!!!

How are you feeling PattyGirl? Running a marathon yet? Glad to see you again!


Last edited by melbert on Fri Mar 15 2013, 12:25; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : corrected spelling for butt doctor...)

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Mar 15 2013, 11:32

Good one patty !

Hope you're keeping well now. flower

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Mar 15 2013, 13:09

Jo & Mel

Feeling really well. No marathon yet. Was going to do last one but they cancelled it because of SANDY. Ha, Ha. Just kidding.

Here's another Doctor joke for you all!


A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.


The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,


"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda .


The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,





"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.


So how is it that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Mar 15 2013, 13:38

Love it patty....keep well !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri Mar 15 2013, 14:29

Not worthy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Fri Mar 15 2013, 16:47

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------

And, my favorite is: LOL

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri Mar 15 2013, 16:58

LOOOOL !!!! Laughing

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Mar 16 2013, 14:34

Two Alligators were sitting around talking, and the smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
>
> 'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'
>
> 'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.
>
> 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
>
> 'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'
>
> 'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
>
> 'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them & eat 'em!'
>
> 'Ah!' says the big Alligator, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sun Mar 17 2013, 00:15

pattygirl wrote:This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...



A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital

where he had worked for most of his life.

A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service

as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said,

"I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral… I'm a gynecologist."
The Priest fainted.

I told this joke to a couple of gal pals last night and I don't know if it was the champagne and cosmos or the joke but there was a slight pause when I told them the punch line and then they literally both started screaming in laughter! So it's a good "live" joke too!




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon Mar 18 2013, 11:26

A Jewish Girl

> A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mother that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
> Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.
>
> He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
>
> "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account." "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
>
> "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
>
> All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll try again."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 18 2013, 11:39

Lol...Lol.....good one patty....I've sent that on.

Have a good week gal ! flower

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 20 2013, 18:47

Joke.....

A text from a mate....

"My ex just sent me a picture of him having sex
with his new girl friend to try to make me jealous.
I sent it on to his Mom the and the rest of his family"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Mar 20 2013, 19:58

Thumbs up!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Mar 20 2013, 20:08

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us!
-------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

----------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


Sadly, they walk among us!
Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.








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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Mar 20 2013, 20:14


You can't fix stupid.

sadly I agree

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 20 2013, 20:39

Coolio Coolio Love those Cindi !

How are you now gal ? Better I hope !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Mar 21 2013, 20:01

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5mHPo2yDG8&feature=player_embedded



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Mar 22 2013, 13:30

An Irishman took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roads Show.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were
in good condition?"

"Sticks?" Paddy said.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Mar 22 2013, 19:02










!







Best Divorce Letter, Ever !



My Dear husband,

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years and I have nothing to show for it. The last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today, which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me, or you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.


P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!


REPLY:



Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing could have made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and bitching. Too bad that doesn't work any more.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'
Since my father raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked "my favourite meal," you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.


About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.


After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So, when I won the $20 million Lotto on Saturday, I quit my job and bought 2 first-class tickets for us to Paris. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you find the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband, rich as hell and free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem ?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by amaretti on Fri Mar 22 2013, 19:48

Ha ha ha Ha

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Fri Mar 22 2013, 20:05

really nice !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat Mar 23 2013, 01:10


Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No.Wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh



Enjoy and pass on to your friends.




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat Mar 23 2013, 03:27

Yay PattyGirl! I remember that show so well!!! Although, I cannot remember what I had for breakfast this morning!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Mar 26 2013, 15:21

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


You know the drill... if you're smiling, you must pass it
on, give someone else a smile too! Share the laughter…

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 27 2013, 19:20

Thought for the Day

Mopping up the mess

A clean house is the sign
of a broken computer

badcomputer





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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 27 2013, 20:32

"Cry your heart out Casamigos" Coolio


http://www.toilette-humor.com/funny_adult_videos/about_last_night.shtml

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by blubelle on Wed Mar 27 2013, 23:04

That is the best!!!!! lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Mar 28 2013, 00:14

Joanna wrote: Thought for the Day

Mopping up the mess

A clean house is the sign
of a broken computer

badcomputer


well..... What a Face

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Thu Mar 28 2013, 21:08

Found this amusing, but I can be childish at times...


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Mar 28 2013, 21:14

Hey thanks theminis....great.....needed a laff today.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Thu Mar 28 2013, 22:56

Oh minis, that was great. I had to watch it twice; first to see the viewers, and then again to watch the dancer!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Apr 03 2013, 22:00

her thoughts, / his thoughts:

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He
continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence
all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.



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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Apr 03 2013, 23:18










Those Fabulous Jewish Comedians.

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle,Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Woody Allen, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny Mansel Rubenstein

There was not one single swear word in their comedy.

Here are a few examples:


I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

Patient:"I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor:"Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q:Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible.Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered,"Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A:Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Thu Apr 04 2013, 03:56

theminis that video was very very cute. I loved the reactions of the viewers!


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Apr 04 2013, 17:46


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink"
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO..


Thought for the day:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them..







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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Vi on Thu Apr 04 2013, 18:29

Your thought of the day Joanna:

I'm afraid !

bec - maybe I'm still alive -

with no breast implants and no man
at my side with a huge erection

we will be pretty alone

with our "normal" bodies and our
"normal" sex

oyoyoyoyoy

Shocked

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Apr 04 2013, 20:20

LOL to JO!

hugssss to Vi !!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Thu Apr 11 2013, 03:47

I know this must have been posted before but I didn't remember the punchline and I LOL'd again so thought I'd post it - for those like me who don't remember jokes so we get a second laugh out of it!


A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina".

She slams the door in disgust.


The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman "Do you have a vagina". She slams the door again.


Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".


The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.


Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

Do you have vagina".......



"Yes" she says......





The man replies.. "Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's' alone and start using yours ?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Apr 11 2013, 06:31

LOOOOL!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Thu Apr 11 2013, 07:16

pattygirl wrote:her thoughts, / his thoughts:

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was
shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but
he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't
upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry
about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He
smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say,
"I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost
him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me
anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He
continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence
all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell
asleep -- I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.


Hilarious - and so true - we women tend to overthink and men well the just don't?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Thu Apr 11 2013, 07:18

Oh Lorna that was a good one!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Thu Apr 11 2013, 12:33

women tend to overthink
and men just don't

and we know why

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Fri Apr 12 2013, 03:16

Yea could you see a guy starting a forum about Stacy?

Hey, Stacy's hot!

Yea she is!

End of forum.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Apr 16 2013, 18:10


You have to Love the Irish


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

__________________________________________________________

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

__________________________________________________________

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

__________________________________________________________


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

__________________________________________________________


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

__________________________________________________________


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on
her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

__________________________________________________________


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the mirror !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue Apr 16 2013, 19:48

oh my!!! R O T F L !!!!!!! LOL!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Apr 19 2013, 16:46


Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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