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Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Wed Aug 08 2012, 13:48

So much fun stuff in jokes& all things humorous. Very Happy I thought oneliners should have their own thread too. So here we go...

Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.

The best indicator of a China slowdown is the improvement in the air quality in Hong Kong.

ASAP means 'As soon as possible,' not 'Right fucking now.'

Dude, don't blame chicks for their insecurities. Most fairy tales teach girls that only men can save them.

A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.

I fucking hate when people talking about giving it 100%. Why would anything less ever be conceivable?

Women get paid 75¢ on the $1 compared to men. Mathematically speaking, that sounds about right, if not generous.

There's no such thing as a hopeless situation, just hopeless people in situations.

If you want to die rich, abide by The 3 F's. If it Flies, Floats or Fucks, rent it, don't buy it.

Drinking is bad, but feelings are worse.

The way he parties, he's 30 going on 50. #2: It's not the years in your life, it's the life in your years.

Some chick asked me what I would do with 10 million bucks. I told her I'd wonder where the rest of my money went.

Europe is starting to make African leaders look competent.

She's only about 3 weeks of anorexia away from looking hot. Maybe 4.

My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.

Every guy I know has paid for sex. One way or the other.

If you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a shit what your name is.

The only time I show my softer side is when I'm too drunk to fuck.

The only thing more impressive than my accomplishments is my résumé.

From my experience, most people really should have lower self-esteem.

You only live once, and most people don't even do that.

Stereotypes are probably 85-90% accurate.

What most people would call the greatest night of their lives, I call just another Friday. Or a Wednesday.

I tell every new hire the same thing. Spend that cash. No one needs a $100 million funeral. Or a $50 million ex-wife.

You know you're getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

She actually believed me when I said I wasn't fucking anyone else. She probably thinks chiropractors are real doctors too.

It's too bad stupidity isn't painful.

Most of the medals might as well say ‘Congratulations on wasting your life perfecting a worthless skill.’

I fucking wish she was bipolar. At least then, she'd occasionally be happy.

The Euro is dead. They're just bickering over who pays for the funeral.

Don't get married, dude. Marriage is watching someone you love slowly disintegrate. But perhaps, I am romanticizing it.

Did you forget your belt today? - I don't need one; did you forget to get your suit tailored?

Lately, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. Its just the morning.






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Re: Oneliners

Post by Maggy on Wed Aug 08 2012, 16:04

Lol! love all the them.

Here are some I like:

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by cindigirl on Wed Aug 08 2012, 16:12

What a great new thread.

I have only one so far: WHEN YOU GET TO THE END OF YOUR ROPE, TIE A KNOT IN IT AND HANG ON!

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Stellita on Wed Aug 08 2012, 16:20

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 17:29

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.







Out of my mind.....Back in five minutes.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.



Last edited by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 18:10; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 18:06

Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop?

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Re: Oneliners

Post by cindigirl on Wed Aug 08 2012, 18:14

Draw a circle, not a heart, around the one you love, for a heart can break, but a circle goes on forever.


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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 18:17

"It doesn't seem like a smart thing for me to do, and I'm pretty adamant about that, I don't have anything in me that says rush out and have kids.
It's the ultimate responsibility."
George Clooney Quote about having kids


"After doing One Fine Day and playing a pediatrician on ER,
I'll never have kids. I'm going to have a vasectomy."
George Clooney




"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?"
- George Clooney -


Last edited by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 18:30; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Oneliners

Post by cindigirl on Wed Aug 08 2012, 18:26

A simple lesson in life:

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Dior on Wed Aug 08 2012, 19:15

First you were Skeletor, now you are Gigantor!

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Cinderella on Wed Aug 08 2012, 19:31

A man who seeth and does good is good. A blind man who does good because he sees is even better. But woe to a blind man of the spirit for he sees and does not understand, he hears and does not listen.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Wed Aug 08 2012, 19:53

What does a woman want?

e io che ne so?!

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Wed Aug 08 2012, 20:10

What woman want? I can only speak for myself (who else) Right now I want a good italian pizza ( any toppings)!

BUT and there is a big but…

No matter how I weight it, fact is, I have gained nearly + 3kg!!! eh!! (on 3 weeks vacation).
And I do not have big body to hide it.

“You are what you eat”. I have eaten well.

And now the reality check that I am back home…
Breakfast is: quark, raw almonds, strawberries (or any berries), organic honey, fresh pressed orange juice.

Lunch: water, water, water + and something from this list e.g. lettuce, cherry tomatoes, red pepper, cucumber, cottage cheese, grilled chicken/salmon, white large beans, kidney beans, quinoa, dark rice, hot&spicy curry, turmeric, carrots, lentils, onions, garlic, olive oil, pine nuts, pineapple, toasted rye bread with butter and avocado…

Dinner: water, water, water + cold or warm salad + fruits. No more aperolspriz, wines, aperitifs…

No snacks. Apple or carrots or banana ok, if it feels I am going to pass out. What else? Water running! (water gives resistance, no sweat) it’s either 30 minutes full speed or 1 hour easy jogging, 4 times per week, if it doesn’t work, I eat less and run more.

I am trying to mentally convince myself that this is FUN, EASY, HEALTHY and DELICIUS + everything happens real FAST. This is my recipe now. Any better ideas?

Back to original question: women want to loose weight!

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Dior on Wed Aug 08 2012, 20:19

Women want shoes.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Wed Aug 08 2012, 20:23

Right Dior! And this woman wants bags and clutches too Smile

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Dior on Wed Aug 08 2012, 20:37

Does anybody know a good joke about a director and the casting couch?

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Dior on Wed Aug 08 2012, 20:41

Best in Category wrote:Right Dior! And this woman wants bags and clutches too Smile

And flowers. Many many roses!

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Wed Aug 08 2012, 21:21

Right again! Fresh flowers in the house /should I say it... like Audrey hebpurn style.. ( I have the book " what Audrey would have done" kind of guidance..

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 22:37

Dior wrote:Women want shoes.



Bumper Sticker...

Life is short. Buy the shoes !

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 22:42


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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Wed Aug 08 2012, 23:01

(dunno about quinoa
which kind of taste has??)

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Wed Aug 08 2012, 23:11

Joanna: a picture is worth a thousand words Very Happy

quinoa - tastes? It tastes nothing, that's the problem. They say it's healthy, not even sure if it is... really


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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Wed Aug 08 2012, 23:14

ok, thanks Very Happy

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Re: Oneliners

Post by cindigirl on Wed Aug 08 2012, 23:14

Joanna - I luv your 'what women are looking for' pics. But it's so sadly true.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Wed Aug 08 2012, 23:36

Oh cindi...so true LOL

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Re: Oneliners

Post by theminis on Thu Aug 09 2012, 00:12

Sort of a oneliner

If your kids are giving you a headache - follow the directions on the Aspirin Bottle - especially the part that says "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

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Re: Oneliners

Post by melbert on Thu Aug 09 2012, 02:01

Don't sweat the petty stuff and certainly don't pet the sweaty stuff!

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Re: Oneliners

Post by playfuldeb on Thu Aug 09 2012, 03:44

Great thread !!


Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. ~ Albert Einstein

~ Mae West ~
It's not the men in my life that counts - it's the life in my men.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Good sex is like good Bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Thu Aug 09 2012, 09:30

Good ones Debbie...gave you a Greenie

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Thu Aug 09 2012, 09:33

George Clooney on making TV ads:

“I do commercials overseas. I do!
If I do a coffee commercial that affords me to live in the house I live in, and have a nice life, and I get to make the films I wan’t to make and not to have to worry about a profit, then I will sell coffee.”

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Thu Aug 09 2012, 13:00

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people..
Others have no imagination whatsoever.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Thu Aug 09 2012, 18:24

He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



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Re: Oneliners

Post by Maggy on Thu Aug 09 2012, 19:49

A nagging wife is as annoying as the constant dripping on a rainy day.
Proverbs 27:15

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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Thu Aug 09 2012, 23:50

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



ROTFL

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Re: Oneliners

Post by melbert on Fri Aug 10 2012, 01:47

Lonely is laying in bed moaning your own name...

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Re: Oneliners

Post by playfuldeb on Fri Aug 10 2012, 08:25

good one Maggy !!

oh Melbert, that was great (Im moaning)

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Sat Sep 08 2012, 09:44

Wondergirls: I want nobody, nobody but you.
Wonderboys: I want your body, your body not you

So you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Hi, my name is [name] how do you like me so far?

There are two rules for success 1) don’t tell all you know.

You have a body of a God… BUDDHA!

I did not slap you, I simply high fived your face.

I want patience… AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

“Excuse me, do you have the time? “ You: “Do you have the energy?”

Can you say Constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

I’m not trying anything, I always put my hands there.

You can’t be first, but you could be next.

Be unique and different, say yes.

The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name.

“50 Shades of Yellow” is just Eduardo Saverin banging different Singaporean chicks.

When it doesn’t matter how much the drinks cost, it’s always happy hour.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Spent last night pouring champagne, feeding her dessert & telling stories of my trip to Bhutan, I have never been to Bhutan.

I pretend to love the person she pretends to be.

Boozy Sunday brunches are my weekly reminder not to have kids yet.

Girls with huge boobs will never know if they’re really interesting.
sunny

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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Sat Sep 08 2012, 10:15

the first
and the last
so damn true !

(I'm not in the huge boobs group Rolling Eyes sadly...
but I understand that poor girls!)

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Sat Sep 08 2012, 10:29

So there are definitely some benefits having small boobs then. And I am not sad at all Very Happy

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Re: Oneliners

Post by amaretti on Sat Sep 08 2012, 19:07

Very Happy

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Re: Oneliners

Post by cindigirl on Tue Sep 25 2012, 17:16

George says he has trouble sleeping and staying in bed in the morning.

Well then to me he's just not doing it right.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Sep 25 2012, 18:13

LOL ! wish I had half of George's energy

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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Tue Sep 25 2012, 21:21

trouble sleeping and staying in bed in the morning

exactly like me


not

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Tue Sep 25 2012, 22:10

cindigirl wrote:George says he has trouble sleeping and staying in bed in the morning.

Well then to me he's just not doing it right.

Yeah right, But I have trouble at sleeping and then not getting up from the bed in time....


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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Tue Sep 25 2012, 22:21

hu? Whistle

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Tue Sep 25 2012, 22:52

Yep like now Very Happy


Science is catching up with my destructive lifestyle. I don't need wheatgrass, just a new liver in about 15 years.

Relationships are like football. If you look hard enough, you could throw a flag on every play. But you don't.

I know I've won the argument when she says, 'You can't argue with how I feel.' That's also when I know I've lost the argument.

Blacking out is just your brain clearing it's browser history.

Gangnam Style! Saw that shit in July, dude.

Israel mulling, China cracking, Muslims attacking, EU stagnating, Brazil reversing, QE3 inflating, oil spiking... Equity markets rising!

It doesn't matter if its Vegas or Miami. But every couple of months or so, I need a trip to let a little bad out.

Couldn't find any better ones for tonight - Embarassed

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Re: Oneliners

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Nov 06 2012, 06:04

I've had a really really rough past month so I hibrinated a while. This past weekend, when I decided I was pulling myself out of my slump, I got a marker and a piece of paper and wrote this, and taped it to my bathroom mirror so I'll see it every morning

Stop letting life control you and start controlling your life.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Joanna on Tue Nov 06 2012, 09:30

That's a good slogan playful !
Hope there are better months ahead for you Give Flowers

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Re: Oneliners

Post by Best in Category on Tue Nov 06 2012, 11:06

good one Playful - take the lead Very Happy

more mean, funny, stupid or whatever ones:

Vote Early, Vote Often, Vote Obama.

Most people don't understand that God cast them as extras in this movie.

I was unaware that leaves change colors until Instagram. Cocksuckers.

Anyone can pretend to be serious, but you can't pretend to be witty.

I'd marry for money. And I already have money.

Newsflash to people who send out 'prayers' via Facebook. God fucking hates you.

I don't care if she's faking her orgasms, because I'm pretending she's someone else.

When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

My life won't really change no matter who wins the election. I don't watch Saturday Night Live anyway.

Blacking out is just your brain clearing it's browser history.

Rappers have been investing in gold and diamonds for years.

Romney's the type of person who uses chopsticks at the table even when the Chinese people are using forks.

Look. At the end of the day, it is what it is. Shut the fuck up.

Do as I say because you can't do as I do.

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Re: Oneliners

Post by it's me on Tue Nov 06 2012, 13:10

LOOOOL!!!!!!

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Re: Oneliners

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