JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Joanna wrote:Yes that's funny Cindi ! I always think of it
When I hear the song being played on the radio....Lol

song?

Twelve Days of Christmas song...don't you know it IM ?

no Jo

Lol
nice pic

Ditto......

Thank you....Millie was being pestered by her Cornish Cousin, Rascal....so sat by the door at his house to go home ! Lol

I'll find a YouTube of Twelve Days for you soon.

Joanna wrote:I'll find a YouTube of Twelve Days for you soon.

It's me - here's the 12 Days of Christmas song: Performed by The Chipmonks.

Thanks Cindi X

Blondes in the Far North A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

a request:
stop with this blonds jokes
or
put
for every one about some dumb blond woman
another one about dumb MEN
blond haired, dark haired
whatever
(they all deserve )

thanks

A guy and a blonde girl meet at a bar……

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The blonde girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the blonde girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

it's me wrote:a request:
stop with this blonds jokes
or
put
for every one about some dumb blond woman
another one about dumb MEN
blond haired, dark haired
whatever
(they all deserve )

thanks

Don't take them personally IM.....they're only jokes

hmm...

anyway good
the last one

The High Court rules no Nativity Scene in London.


The High Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the UK Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have been unable to find Three Wise Men
in the Nation's Capital.

The search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses,
in The Financial Sector, to fill the stable.

LOL !

hehehe

Great Predictions, NOT!
• "640K ought to be enough (memory) for anybody." -- Bill Gates (1981)


• "Well informed people know it is impossible to transmit the voice over wires and that were it possible to do so, the thing would be of no practical value." -- Boston Post editorial (1865)


• "I think I may say without contradiction that when the Paris Exhibition closes, electric light will close with it, and no more will be heard of it." -- Erasmus Wilson, Professor at Oxford University, (1878)


• "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927


• "The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most." -- IBM to the founder of Xerox (1959)


• "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University (1929)


• "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home." -- Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977


• "No one will pay good money to get from Berlin to Potsdam in one hour when he can ride his horse there in one day for free." -- King William I of Prussia, 1864, on hearing of the invention of trains


• "The average American family hasn't time for television." -- New York Times, 1939


• "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, Chairman, IBM, 1949


• "Man will not fly for 50 years." -- Wilbur Wright, aviation pioneer, 1901 (two years later his brother Orville made the first manned flight)


• "the proposition, that the sun is the centre and does not revolve about the earth is foolish, absurd, false in theology and heretical." -- The Inquisition, on Galileo's proposals

Those are brilliant BiC....... I wonder which statements from our lifetime will cause amusement in the future ?

right... which one?

Specially for you, IM....Enjoy !



One day a housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his sweat-shirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your sweat-shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma "

And they say blondes are dumb.......

great
that I like!

Thanks Joanna, I´ve been telling the art gallery in Dublin joke many times already and this laundry man is good one too - it´s not even a joke but a true line, I believe.

Buying Christmas Stamps

A blonde man goes to the post office to buy stamps
for his Christmas cards.

He says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says,
"What denomination?"

The man says,
"Good grief.... Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian,
10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Best in Category wrote:Thanks Joanna, I´ve been telling the art gallery in Dublin joke many times already and this laundry man is good one too - it´s not even a joke but a true line, I believe.

Oh Yessss !!

Help yourselves.....


http://www.toilette-humor.com/

Thanks for the link, Jo!

I saw this on my first click (too funny)

http://www.toilette-humor.com/the-lineup.html

Just a reminder for friends and family: At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police roadblock but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Good one silly girl.


You know how to pick 'em Maggy ! Lol

Sorry its blonde -

A blind man is sitting at the bar, when he turns and says to the fellow next to him - Hey mate, do you want to hear a really good blonde joke? The guy next to him cautions him in hushed tones and says, "listen mate, the bartender is blonde - the 6 foot 3 tall bouncer is blonde - security guard blonde and you guessed it, I'm blonde too, Do you still want to tell this joke?" Blind man pauses for a second and answers "Nope - not if I have to explain it 4 times!".

To keep up with the 'blonde' hype

Two girls were walking in the park.
The brunette goes "oh look, a dead bird."
The blonde girl looks up and says "where where?"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear,
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There. That should piss off just about everybody.

LOL LOL patty girl.....good one....but you missed out the Brits !

A LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT.

AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS. VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.

AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL.

COOL AS A CUCUMBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S. HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH, "GOOD DAY, MADAM... HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY?"

BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, "SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS LOVELY BRACELET??"

HE ANSWERS,
"MADAM... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOU'RE GOING TO REALLY LOSE IT WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE."

Happy Christmas Ladies !

Nicccccccce!

Happy Christmas to you too!

Joanna wrote:Happy Christmas Ladies !

The ten butts of Christmas?

But which butt is G's?

I want to know too


Another dirty joke

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A: Mega-sore-ass

This is an article submitted to a Louisville KY Newspaper contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.


As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas.

blubelle wrote:But which butt is G's?

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From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning, plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John
-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching,Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness,Gentleness, and Self Control.
-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed

the strange song which made the poor girl to the hospital!!!!!

Love the Christmas story Debbie....I do hope it's true.

playfuldeb wrote:

blubelle wrote:But which butt is G's?

[img][/img]

nice pic
yeah

Yea, it will make my Christmas very merry.

it's me wrote:

playfuldeb wrote:

blubelle wrote:But which butt is G's?

[img][/img]

nice pic
yeah

It's a wonder George doesn't slap this picture on a card and send it out to all his ex-girlfriends for Christmas with the caption "Something to remember me by since it was the last thing you saw as I ran out of the room when you mentioned marriage."

Oh my word Lorna...did he run out nekkid ?
Where were the paps when they were needed....Tut tut.
They failed us again !

LOOOOL !!