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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Nov 12 2012, 11:58

A little old man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital
just before his operation.
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation,
don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening
about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Mon Nov 12 2012, 12:49

That's a good one -
A friend of mine once told me that her husband had gone to hospital to have keyhole surgery related to kidney on his right side, he woke up to find puncture marks all over the place, turns out the surgeon had started to work on the left kidney by mistake.

When I went to hospital for major surgery on my kidney, I used a thick black permanent marker to draw an arrow pointing to where I thought my right kidney was located - while under sedation my surgeon had a good laugh and proceeded to sign his name (for example Dr Ross was here with a smiley face) - too funny.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Nov 12 2012, 15:27

theminis wrote:That's a good one -
A friend of mine once told me that her husband had gone to hospital to have keyhole surgery related to kidney on his right side, he woke up to find puncture marks all over the place, turns out the surgeon had started to work on the left kidney by mistake.

When I went to hospital for major surgery on my kidney, I used a thick black permanent marker to draw an arrow pointing to where I thought my right kidney was located - while under sedation my surgeon had a good laugh and proceeded to sign his name (for example Dr Ross was here with a smiley face) - too funny.


Coolio gotpics if so.... I want to see it !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Mon Nov 12 2012, 21:03

doc ross...
the right one, I would hope


Wink

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Nov 13 2012, 04:43

[img][/img]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by theminis on Tue Nov 13 2012, 05:06

Playful that's funny - Joanna - no pics, just one long big scar, no bikinis for me!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Tue Nov 13 2012, 19:13

Sometimes men take things literally
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

My work is done here.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Tue Nov 13 2012, 19:22

LOL!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Vi on Tue Nov 13 2012, 19:55

LOOOOOL

and yes - I had to go back to read it again

and yes - men will get it the first time

it reminds me of my father
the one or two times he went shopping for my mother

during their marriage of 47 years

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Nov 13 2012, 20:41

oopsie Sorry Blondes !



The Blonde's Thanksgiving Dinner


It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family.
Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.
The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Tue Nov 13 2012, 21:18

Thanks for the turkey joke Joanna. Those critters sometimes can give you a HARD time. This literally happened to me one Thanksgiving.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue Nov 13 2012, 23:07

oh! so it will be a Thanksgiving with the wrestler?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Tue Nov 13 2012, 23:56

So CindiGirl, did you really knock your ex out??? hahahahahaha!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Wed Nov 14 2012, 01:08

Just think..........

If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey

instead of a turkey,

we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Wed Nov 14 2012, 01:11

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

[img][/img]

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Nov 14 2012, 14:37

melbert wrote:So CindiGirl, did you really knock your ex out??? hahahahahaha!!

No, the first part is true but throwing the turkey through the window at my ex was just my fantasy. Angry

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Nov 14 2012, 14:41

playfuldeb wrote:Just think..........If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we would all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving!!....

ROFL playful - sooooo funny. Thanks

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Best in Category on Wed Nov 14 2012, 17:08

Lol, funny !


The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome


Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night 
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . 



After a few days they meet again..... 
The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long." 



The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night." 



The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Nov 14 2012, 17:13

LOOOOL!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Nov 14 2012, 20:19

Since I don't want to post on the girlfriend thread, I thought I'd share this (I think) heartwarming story.

This is for all the grandfathers out there.

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grand-son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes." Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, "Here this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "


Touches the heart, doesn't it?


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Wed Nov 14 2012, 20:31

Lol, Cindi.

As I was reading it I thought it was going to have a meaningful ending .Laughing

The 'Bitch' part, hilarious. I can't stop laughing.

Thanks for the laughs Laughing

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Nov 14 2012, 20:36

You're welcome Maggy. This isn't a joke but I've been going through the posts here and I suddenly realized why he wears those loose fitting jeans instead of his silk suits so much when he's not in the spotlight.

It's called PHP (protecting his package). lol

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Wed Nov 14 2012, 20:44

Lol, with all the women looking for it, I understand why he would Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Wed Nov 14 2012, 21:53

PHP !

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL !!!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Best in Category on Thu Nov 15 2012, 17:10

Lunatic: I´m Napoleon!
Other Lunatic: Really? Who told you?
Lunatic: God.
Voice from other room: I did not!
--------
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. “Honey”, she says in a worried voice, “be careful”. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway”.

“It´s worse than that”, he replies, “there are hundreds of them!”
---------
Woman to her friend: My husband and I were happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
---------
Two lunatics are released from the asylum after being deemed of no threat to public safety. On their first day out, they're sitting at a cafe enjoying a cup of latte. One of them has an idea and tells the other:
- "You know what I've missed all those years locked up in the asylum? To watch a football game!"

- "Then lets go to the football stadium", replies the other.

They enter the stadium but it's empty.
- "There's no game today"
- "But I want to watch a football game!", replies the other.
- "OK here's what we're going to do. I'll go down to the pitch and pretend to be the players and you can remain up here in the stands, pretending to be the fans. OK?"
- As the 2nd lunatic agrees, the other one heads down to the pitch and pretends to be the football players. He shoots at airballs, pretends to defend and so forth, while the other cheers him on, boos the "other team" etc.
In the midst of all the excitement, he grabs a plastic bottle and launches it at the head of his friend on the pitch. He is knocked unconscious and as he comes around he yells:
- "You bloody fool! 22 players on the pitch and you had to aim the bottle at my head!"

- "Think twice before accusing me! Out of 30,000 fans, you immediately assume it's me?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Thu Nov 15 2012, 17:28

scratch

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Thu Nov 22 2012, 16:59

This is funny. I have no idea what they are saying at the end.
Am guessing is about talking to kids about sex. Laughing


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Nov 24 2012, 12:14

Deputy Sheriff Mike Wisniewski was riding his Harley along a Florida beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
“Mike, because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish.”

Mike pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to England so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

Mike thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Nov 25 2012, 16:16

Now it's Fifty Sheds Of Grey:

Comedy Twitter account turned into hilarious book with plenty of strange contraptions (but a lot less sex)

Colin Grey started tweeting in June and quickly notched
up 90,513 followers
Grey refers to himself as a 'passionate gardener and amateur shed owner'

Now he releases Fifty Sheds of Grey: A Parody: Erotica for the not-too-modern male

'Until my wife bought "that book", my life was calm and pain-free,' he says of Fifty Shades. 'Now I'm buying locks and chains in all shapes and sizes'
By DENI KIRKO

The comical Twitter account Fifty Sheds of Grey - a 'shed-based erotica' spoof of Fifty Shades - is now being published as a book.
The man behind the Fifty Sheds phenomenon, Colin Trevor Grey - who describes himself as a 'passionate gardener and amateur shed owner' - has been treating followers to pictures of sexy sheds and Carry On-style erotic puns since June.

Most are horticulture-themed, but many offer hilarious snapshots
of his everyday life.

Shed porn: Colin Grey, who won global fame (and 90,000 followers) with his erotic shed-themed tweets from his @FiftyShedsOfGrey Twitter account has compiled a selection of the best into a new book

Along with photos of sexy sheds, Colin posts tweets based on his experiences in the garden: 'My body writhed and quivered from the pain. I had learned my lesson. Never again would I leave an upturned plug on the floor'
After accumulating over 90,000 followers thanks to daily tweets such as '"Give it to me now and give it to me hard!' she begged. "Alright," I said, "But I still think a Viennetta's better when it's defrosted,"' the time has come for Colin to publish a book of his funniest tweets.

'A very nice chap from Pan Macmillan came knocking on my shed door after he saw me on Twitter,' he says. 'He said he thought mine was a story the world had to hear and offered me a contract there and then.



'Although, I have to admit I was a little wary – the last contract I signed was one my wife drew up after reading "that book" and it resulted in me spending every Thursday morning being led round Sainsbury’s in handcuffs and a rubber thong,' he said.
When his wife picked up Fifty Shades he says he was unwittingly thrust head-first into the mysterious, illicit world of pleasure and pain - and his happy and simple life changed forever.

Looking for a way to express his frustrations, Colin took to Twitter. 'I write my Twitter account alone in my shed. It’s the only place I can get a moment’s peace – at least, it was.

Horticultural erotica: 'We tried various positions: round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was the only place for a really good shed
'I just tweet about my everyday life which, up until my wife bought "that book", was perfectly calm and relatively pain-free. Since that fateful day, however, I’ve had to spend a small fortune on chains and locks of all types and sizes. She still manages to get into the shed though,' he said.
Following the fastest-selling paperback of all time comes Colin's
Fifty Sheds of Grey: A Parody: Erotica for the not-too-modern male.
'My wife doesn’t know I’ve written a book yet. I’m hoping she doesn’t find out, to be honest, as it contains intimate details of past indiscretions, including my deflowering at the hands of an older woman – I went into her shed a boy and came out a man.'
'This is the story of one man's struggle against a tide of tempestuous, erotic desire and of the greatest love of all: the love between a man and his shed,' he said.

The caution that comes with the spoof book goes:
WARNING: This book contains graphic shed-based images.
Please don't look if you are easily offended.

Erotic desire: Colin says the greatest love of all is the love between a man and his shed - and confesses he was deflowered in a shed as a boy by an older woman

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot...

COLIN'S PEARLS OF WISDOM
'I wanted to share my experiences as a young man working as a "ladies" gardener. For instance, back in those days it was common for a woman’s lawn to be wild and overgrown but nowadays the tendency is for just a small strip or no lawn at all.'
'I write my Twitter account alone in my shed. It’s the only place I can get a moment’s peace – at least, it was.'
'I just tweet about my everyday life which, up until my wife bought "that book", was perfectly calm and relatively pain-free. Since that fateful day, however, I’ve had to spend a small fortune on chains and locks of all types and sizes. She still manages to get into the shed though.'
'A very nice chap from Pan Macmillan said he thought mine was a story the world had to hear and offered me a contract there and then. Although, I have to admit I was a little wary – the last contract I signed was one my wife drew up after reading "that book" and it resulted in me spending every Thursday morning being led round Sainsbury’s in handcuffs and a rubber thong.'
But Colin makes no apologies for his opus. 'I felt it was time for the world to hear a male point of view. "That book" apparently goes into great detail about a woman’s "inner goddess" – I thought it was important for men to get in touch with their inner gardener.
'I also wanted to share my experiences as a young man working as a "ladies" gardener. For instance, back in those days it was common for a woman’s lawn to be wild and overgrown but nowadays the tendency is for just a small strip or no lawn at all,' he said.
Asked about his experiences on Twitter he confessed, 'I did get a tweet from someone claiming that my book possessed the ideal surface-to-weight ratio for spanking purposes. I’m not entirely sure what they meant by that but my wife has been eyeing it keenly.
'My wife seems to be very impressed that I’m being followed on Twitter by someone called EL James, although I can’t say I’ve ever heard of him. I expect he’s one of those gangster rapper types.'
'I’m a huge fan of S&M – as far as I’m concerned, you just can’t beat sheds and mowers. As for "that book", I’m afraid my wife still hasn’t let me read it - she says I won’t understand it.
'She’s probably right – if it’s not about someone sticking some kind of big tool into something, I’m not interested.'


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2212311/Fifty-SHEDS-Grey-Man-erotic-shed-porn-Twitter-account-won-90-000-followers-sees-obsession-turned-book.html#ixzz2DFfcAiNf
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Nov 25 2012, 16:19

The novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” has seduced women and baffled blokes.

Now a spoof “Fifty Sheds of Grey” offers a treat for the men.
The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of his garden. Here are some extracts.

Fifty Sheds of Grey

We tried various positions-round the back, on the side,upagainst the wall…But in the end we came to the same conclusion,
the bottom of the garden was the only place for the shed.

She stood before me,trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me”
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other welly.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,chains and shackles. Still she manages to break into my shed,though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask” I instructed,calmly.
Mmmmm kinky she purred. Yes I said,” You can’t be to carefull with all that asbestos in the shed roof”

“I’m a very naughty girl “ she said biting her lip. “I need to be punished”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder”
Okay I said “Whats the capital of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted,gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience,
my rhubarb had come up a treat.

Are you sure you can take the pain she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
I think so, I gulped.”Here we go then, she said, and showed me the receipt”

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well” I replied “You’ve got cellulite and no dress sense”

“Are you sure you want this” I asked.”When I am done you won’t be able to sit down for weeks”.
“Okay” I said ,putting the three piece suite on ebay.

“Punish me” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can”.”
Very well” I replied leaving the toliet seat up.
Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously, she said, gently massaging my back
as we listened to her rubbish One Direction CD.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sun Nov 25 2012, 16:40

Now, that's funny!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Nov 27 2012, 17:19



Retired Health Message (funny)

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life
for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE..........??

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue Nov 27 2012, 19:25

yes baby



thanks anyway Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Tue Nov 27 2012, 19:41

Joanna wrote:Deputy Sheriff Mike Wisniewski was riding his Harley along a Florida beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
“Mike, because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,
I will grant you one wish.”

Mike pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to England so I can ride over anytime I want.”

God replied, “Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Atlantic and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”

Mike thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
“God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



Evil or Very Mad

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed Nov 28 2012, 02:21

Yay PattyGirl! How are you feeling?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Wed Nov 28 2012, 03:43

Very Happy


Last edited by Maggy on Thu Nov 29 2012, 02:21; edited 1 time in total

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Best in Category on Wed Nov 28 2012, 08:04

Good ones Pattigirl!

"16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. " -really describes my situation past couple of days.... oh boy! Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Nov 28 2012, 13:03

I'm doing good, Mel. Thanks for asking. Not spending too much time on COH as nothing seems interesting. Hope all is well with you.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed Nov 28 2012, 18:35

A union captain walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union captain.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Nov 29 2012, 01:59

My all time favorite Saturday Night Live skit. I know it's a little early for Christmas, but I just couldn't resist!


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by OofOof on Thu Nov 29 2012, 02:38

I LOVE this piece! Next favorite is Adam Sandler singing the Hannukah song for the first time.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Thu Nov 29 2012, 13:35

and here it is!!!


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Nov 29 2012, 18:12

That's cheerful and happy mel....thanks.

Do I remember "Phoebe" singing something
like that in Friends once ??

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Nov 29 2012, 18:30


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Thu Nov 29 2012, 22:08

Great postings Patty, Mel and Jo Laughing

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Nov 29 2012, 23:54

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted..... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate Agent which direction was north because He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor, I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said, 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------------------
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.' What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, they walk among us!
------------------------------------------------
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace....
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt...

You can't fix stupid.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Fri Nov 30 2012, 01:30

Very good PattyGirl! And so true...

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by OofOof on Fri Nov 30 2012, 03:43

You made me laugh PattyGirl!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Fri Nov 30 2012, 18:23

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And So The Christmas Season begins...... santa

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Fri Nov 30 2012, 18:28

lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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