JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Water, Water, Water

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"


The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice-cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said, "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

We miss Rodney Dangerfield because he said:


My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door.. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.


If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'


I knew a girl so ugly...They used her in prisons to cure sex offenders.


My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'


My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.


AND, ONE LAST ONE:


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Bessie

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.


'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus
I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da hell would you say?'

It's a little early but here's a happy Thanksgiving video message (from the turkey's viewpoint). I will survive !!!

Another joke - it's long but the punch line is worth it.

HALLOWE'EN IS COMING!!!!!!! :-)
BOOOOOOOOOO!!!
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night.............

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

Yes I did cindi....good one though... LOL

Wolfman

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you?
Can I come home from work and just do my own thing
without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and
says to herself,
"Well, I guess it's that time of the month again."

Looool Joanna. Don't know about wolfmen but it's been studied that men DO have their time of the month. But they're usually afraid to show it to their wives.

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"

"How would you feel," the astronout replied,
"if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts...
each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?' 'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over
and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months’ vacation and five good leads.'

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Salvatore was relaxing
at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you
finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Salvatore reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..

The sex finally ends and, again, Salvatore smiles and asks, "You
finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to
him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied. Salvatore reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they
end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets..

Exhausted, Salvatore falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,

"No, I'm Norwegian."






Sorry about the big space here......had a bitta trouble posting
from my iPad.

sorry to say not new
but fine

Funny, and new to me.

it's me wrote:sorry to say not new
but fine

Can we have some new jokes from you then IM ?

I got this on FB, but couldn't embed it. I laughed so hard I cried AND peed my pants!

http://video.staged.com/scott200/richard_simmons_being_a_jet_ski

Joanna wrote:

it's me wrote:sorry to say not new
but fine

Can we have some new jokes from you then IM ?

well.... hope so :Superdupercool:

yes please tell us some more3 of those jokes and pull some pranks on unknowing people who just think thingslike that are sooooooooooooo funny....

Huston?

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....
But all men ... Are men!

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT : 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT : 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT : 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT : 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Homeless Man's Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper 's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn 't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I 'm still lost....it 's a man thing.

Yay, PattyGirl is back!!

Phew! Now we just need Cindigirl and I think the roll call will be complete, right?

Pattygirl!
amazing (again)

Katiedot wrote:Phew! Now we just need Cindigirl and I think the roll call will be complete, right?

She wrote in on another thread! Everybody accounted for, I believe!!! Yay!

A lesson- never tell the doctor's receptionist what is wrong with you.

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose.

a Thanksgiving quiz

http://home.aristotle.net/Thanksgiving/trivia.asp

Kinda sounds like something George would do !

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this
horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

ohhhh
poor gullible Patricia....

cindigirl wrote:A lesson- never tell the doctor's receptionist what is wrong with you.

Ear Infection

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...


Mess with seniors and you're going to lose.

ROTFLMAO!!!

OMG! this one was great! thanks Cindigirl!!

Some things never change:
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asked the grandson
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The Fucking Arab

A Love Story...

Brings a tear to your eye!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Pattygirl : hope you don´t mind if I forward "love story" to some of my friends -- it´s too hilarious and so true!

MISINTERPRETATION...


I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,
"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them chirped saying,
"It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said,
"I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I can remember...

This is cruel....but SO funny !

not funny at all

those parents are heartless
or brainless

your choice

Oh my, the last little kid is so sweet and precious.

now, if they could all just be like that. lol.

Thanks Jo, that was fun to watch.

It's a legit answer so try and figure it out.


Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.

However, the answer is at the bottom for those

who are unable to think this one through.



Here's the riddle:



At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.


One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing.



What are they both thinking?











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Don't look down!

Good one playful

Very good playful...I was thinking..."I wish this would end now"

The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
 11. White Trashfindel
 10. Big Red Gulp
 9. Grape Expectations
 8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
 7. NASCARbernet
 6. Chef Boyardeaux 
5. Peanut Noir
 4. Chateau des Moines
 3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
 2. World Championship Riesling 
1. Nasti Spumante

LOOOOL!!!!!

I Love My Job!!!!!

I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, she is the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey,
and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of this Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

I guess 'I Love My Job!!!!!' is also G favourite song

Don't worry mel....I'll come to rescue you

well I hope to !

they're coming to take me away, aha, to the funny farm where life is beautiful...

Thanks Joanna!!!

Mel--You're singing my song! Ha! Have my own biz now but worked in the non profit world for a long time and seemed to always have bosses that had a few lights out. I try not to do the things that I hated when I worked for someone else!

Maybe that was their purpose in life...to teach others
how NOT to manage ?
I've known some of those too.