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Post by Lakin460 on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 00:49

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(those are sperm.....)
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Post by Maggy on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 04:14

lol!
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Post by Maggy on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 04:20

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Post by Lakin460 on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 12:49

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Post by Joanna on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 21:18

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed next to each other.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette and the egg is looking annoyed.

‘Well,’ says the egg, ‘I guess that answers THAT question!’
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Post by Lakin460 on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 22:02

I love that joke, Joanna!
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Post by it's me on Tue 07 Aug 2012, 22:08

Lakin
you fast! (you)
it's me
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Post by playfuldeb on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 05:39

good jokes - I needed a laff today!
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Post by playfuldeb on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 05:40

Bagpiper at a Funeral



As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's cemetery in the back country.



As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.



I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played 'Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."



Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing
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Post by Joanna on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 10:03

Oh playful....that's made me laff out loud over my coffee...
must send it on !
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Post by Lakin460 on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 13:39

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I
want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and
this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her
voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.





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Post by Joanna on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 14:30

Jokies Greenies for playful & Lakin...thanks for the laffs !
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Post by cindigirl on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 15:33

Lakin, I loved your joke.

Here's a short and sweet one - entitled Condoms
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot
by the woman's husband.
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Post by Stellita on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 16:33

They are all sooo funny lol!

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Post by it's me on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 19:35

thanks! Very Happy Thumbs up!

(but the septic tank one I already read here
no?)
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Post by Lakin460 on Wed 08 Aug 2012, 20:07

it's me wrote:thanks! Very Happy Thumbs up!

(but the septic tank one I already read here
no?)

oopsie You might have. When I got it in my email this morning, I thought it sounded familiar! ohsnap
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Post by LornaDoone on Fri 10 Aug 2012, 03:30

This isn't so much a joke as some dialogue from Two and a Half Men...

Judith finds Alan (her ex) rubbing Vitamin E oil on Naomi, Marta the cleaning lady's, very pregnant daughter's belly...

Alan: "...I was showing her how vitamin E can prevent stretch marks, you know like I did with you, and then you walked in and that's pretty much it."

Judith: "Oh really!"

Alan: "Yea, hey, why don't you pull up your top and let her check out your belly."

Judith: "I will not!"

Naomi: "So he rubbed this on you too?"

Judith: "Oh, he rubbed alright, but it was only to satisfy his own twisted needs."

Alan: "Excuse me but you were the one that was constantly horny!"

Judith: "And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you!"

Alan: "Hey, when the bar is only open 9 months a DECADE! you drink till you puke! And then you keep drinking!!"



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Post by Joanna on Fri 10 Aug 2012, 13:14

SNOW....SNOW....SNOW !!!


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Post by it's me on Fri 10 Aug 2012, 13:32

wow! how much snow! not usual so much
here

and yesssss
very funny fight Very Happy
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Post by pattygirl on Sat 11 Aug 2012, 14:01

when a woman lies

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had
fallen into the water and that she needed it to
help her husband in making a living for their
family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water
and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a
golden thimble studded with rubies.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a
leather thimble.


"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and
gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the
seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her
husband along the riverbank, and her husband
fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again
appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?''
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the
river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up
with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord
asked.




"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You
lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress
replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to
George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad
Pitt.


Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up
with my husband... Had I then said "yes," you
would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in
the best of health and would not be able to take
care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said
"yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her
keep him.
The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies,
it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the
best interest of others. That's our story, and
we're sticking to it.
Signed,




All Us Women
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Post by it's me on Sat 11 Aug 2012, 14:40

LOOOL

guess it's the ...third?
time I read it
but it's alway fun to! Very Happy
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Post by Best in Category on Sat 11 Aug 2012, 18:20

“The long term implications of drugs or medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.

It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.”

“I went to the doctor the other day and during my lengthy physical, he asked for a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.

I was late for another meeting so I asked, "Hey Doc, I'm kind of in a hurry. Could I just leave my underwear?"

“BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.”

New Stock Market Terms
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
sunny

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Post by Maggy on Sat 11 Aug 2012, 18:33

lol! BIC
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Post by Best in Category on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 10:18

I guess this falls under the category of “all things humorous”. So my neighbor brought me some letters he had collected while I was away, bills that is. And there was this one from recently opened beauty salon I had color analysis made (friends suggesting it). Yeah, I am deeply superficial.

With the bill came also a report of the analysis: I am spring (clear or soft for this price they couldn’t decide, I should go for further analyses), black and white do not suit me. Best color for me is Burgundy. Great! I thought black and white suited everyone. I have nothing burgundy. Burgundy sounds like autumn color to me – I don’t mind fall is my favorite time of the year.
I love long walks in crisp, cool air, dark evenings, colorful trees, blankets to keep me warm, fire in a fireplace… worst part: I should were gold not silver (white gold) – all my jewelry is white gold! Basically the report is saying everything I have is not suitable for me.

But now, other than questioning the bill and the analysis, (I might mighty well be winter, summer or autumn), I am questioning my ability to choose anything for me!!!

Do they have such analysis to help to choose the right men too? Now I know better the rule out white and black – whats left? Surrender

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Post by Joanna on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 10:52

Funny BIC....be like the late Barbara Cartland, Brit romantic novelist...she only ever wore PINK...everything was pink !!

At least you know where you are with Pink....
Hoorah! see what I mean ?
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Post by Lakin460 on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 16:29

"I am deeply superficial"
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!! I love that..... Mind if I add that to my arsenal of quips???
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Post by cindigirl on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 17:10

Horny Grandpa

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
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Post by Joanna on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 18:30

Good one cindi...maybe this is what happened to her
after visiting the doctors ???


Horny Grandma

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone
book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a veryhandsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum…..

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.
”Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” . ..

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated,
she rushed right in...

”Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you.

I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.
We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything,
I’ m ready!!
Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic.... but you need
to press “9″ for an outside line.”
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Post by cindigirl on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 18:45

Oh, that is so funny joanna - thanks for the good laugh.
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Post by LornaDoone on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 19:50

Joanna - really laughed loudly on that Horny Granny joke! Thanks for the laugh!
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Post by Joanna on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 20:05

Yes...you can just imagine that happening time & time again LOL
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Post by Joanna on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 20:23

I LOVE this poem !


Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse


They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.
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Post by Lakin460 on Sun 12 Aug 2012, 20:38

Well, that's a witty little poem, eh? And for the most part true. I know virtually no one who had really good parents.
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Post by melbert on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 01:33

DINNER WITH THE GIRLS

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discounts.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because they had never been there before.
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Post by Best in Category on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:41

Joanna wrote:Funny BIC....be like the late Barbara Cartland, Brit romantic novelist...she only ever wore PINK...everything was pink !!

At least you know where you are with Pink....
Hoorah! see what I mean ?

I see, I have pink running shoes (adidas, may I promote). Good idea I don't know who is this Cartland woman, but maybe she has been to color analysis too. Very Happy To wear just one color is stylish. So it is not lady in red, but pink ( not even sure about the lady part) Rolling Eyes

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Post by melbert on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 18:40

So are her lady parts pink?? sorry - snark day...
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Post by Joanna on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 18:58

Yes... Barbara Cartland was a really old fashioned English lady who believed in true love and heros & virgins in her fictional books.
She died a couple of months before her 100th Birthday and was the mother of Princess Diana's step mother, Raine.
I'll find some info later after dinner Hello!
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Post by Best in Category on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 19:09

Thank you Joanna for the explanation & waiting for you to come with extra info after, hopefully very delicious dinner.

Halo

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Post by cindigirl on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 20:35

And they say women are vengeful

You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University.
It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride and her family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.

So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to
everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and
said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this
guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.

A Mastercard Wedding
'Life isn't like a bowl
of cherries or peaches,
it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--
what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow......'




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Post by Lakin460 on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 21:00

Sent ot me by a friend, from the Cleveland Clinic site:


http://www.clevelandclinicwellness.com/MIND/AMEANINGFULLIFE/Pages/Laugh-It-Up-to-Boost-Your-Health.aspx?utm_source=EmailMarketingLaugh It Up to Boost Your Health

By Cleveland Clinic Wellness Editors
Published 8/8/2012

It turns out that laughter really might just be the best medicine. More and more research supports the idea that laughing is good for us! “I think it’s a great form of stress relief, and keeps you positive and happier,” says Cleveland Clinic Chief Wellness Officer Michael F. Roizen, MD. It’s why I watch Jon Stewart nightly.” Read on to learn why mirth is good for you!

Think funny thoughts
In fact, researchers have learned that it’s not only laughter itself that can bestow health benefits; they’ve discovered that even the anticipation of a positive humorous laughter experience reduces potentially detrimental stress hormones. In an earlier study, Lee Berk, DrPH and his team at Loma Linda University found that the anticipation of “mirthful laughter” positively affected two hormones: beta-endorphins, which alleviate depression, and human growth hormone, which helps with immunity. The results were significant, increasing hormone levels from 27 to 87 percent.

In the latest research, the good news continues: The same anticipation of laughter significantly reduced the levels of three stress hormones — cortisol (“the stress hormone”), epinephrine (also known as adrenaline) and dopamine (which helps produce epinephrine). Based on the findings, it’s clear that a great way to reduce stress is to seek out experiences that might make you feel like laughing, even if you don’t actually giggle.

Laugh it up to reduce pain
If chronic pain has got you down, spend time with a funny friend, rent a sidesplitting movie or go see some stand-up at your local comedy club. Laughing can help take the edge off your discomfort. But polite titters won’t cut it. To get the soothing benefits, your laugh should be hearty and unrestrained. And the longer you laugh, the higher your pain tolerance. Researchers found that cracking up for just 15 minutes decreased distress by 10 percent. The reason: Laughing releases endorphins, those feel-good chemicals that give you a buzz during exercise. Not only do the brain chemicals boost mood, they also bust pain. Consider them your body’s natural source of morphine. That’s why exercise can also be a great remedy for people who suffer from chronic pain. Find a workout buddy who makes you howl and you’ve got yourself a double-whammy weapon against pain.

Chortle your way to mind-body benefits
Here are 10 benefits of making your health a laughing matter:
•Relieves stress and tension
•Increases endorphins and the body’s tolerance to pain
•Boosts immune system function
•Decreases depression and increases life satisfaction
•Lowers blood pressure and improves heart function
•Lowers blood glucose levels
•Modifies negative perceptions and boosts mood
•Increases optimism, resilience, self-efficacy and positive emotions in the workplace
•Improves relationship satisfaction
•Builds confidence and sheds social barriers

Cultivate more laughter in your life and you may just find that living well gets a whole lot easier.
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Post by Lakin460 on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 21:04

And don't forget a way earlier post, probably in July Chit Chat about how if you laugh 100 times a day, it's the equivalent of doing 15 - 20 minutes of aerobic exercise!
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Post by Joanna on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 21:09

Best in Category wrote:Thank you Joanna for the explanation & waiting for you to come with extra info after, hopefully very delicious dinner.

Halo


I've popped Dame Barbara on the August Chit Chat thread.
A remarkable lady who accomplished many things in her 100 years...
minus 2 months !
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Post by Joanna on Mon 13 Aug 2012, 23:20

http://news.sky.com/story/971920/bears-break-into-cabin-and-drink-100-beers



A family of bears has broken into a holiday cabin in Norway and consumed more than 100 cans of beer.

A mother bear and her three cubs broke into the wooden lodge in the north of the country by ripping off a wall, according to Norway's Finnmarken newspaper, and went on to eat and drink nearly all its contents.

The cabin’s owner, Even Borthen Nilsen, told reporters that over 100 cans of Norwegian beer - stored in the hut in preparation for the autumn hunting season - had disappeared.

Bear excrement and footprints – and an awful stench – left him in no doubt that it was the animals that had trashed the place during a night of revelry.

The carnage was discovered by Mr Borthen Nilsen’s mother and grandmother when they returned to the family-owned 26-square foot hut in Jarfjord in Finnmarken.


The bears dranks over 100 cans of beer
The bears had also polished off their store of marshmallows, chocolate spread and honey.

Mr Borthen Nilsen, who has studied natural resource management and bears, said: "They had a hell of a party in there.

"The entire cabin was destroyed. The beds and all kitchen appliances, stove, oven and cupboards and shelves were all smashed to pieces.

"They have bitten into the cans and drunk the beer.

"It's almost like taken out of Goldilocks and the three bears."

He added that now that the mother had shown her cubs how to get into the cabin and given them a taste for beer, he feared they might come back for more.
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Post by Katiedot on Tue 14 Aug 2012, 08:59

Wow, could you imagine coming across those bears? Drunk and on a sugar high from the honey and chocolate spread?! Or even worse, meeting them the next day with a hangover!
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Post by Best in Category on Tue 14 Aug 2012, 20:00

The joke about differences between men and women in cash machines is so true! (I think Joanna posted it) I’m not laughing…

So I drove one of this autostrade per l’italia tolls, many lines to choose from according to your payment methods…

I was talking on a phone while approaching, drove in and long line formed right after me. I didn’t have cash, just cards. Parked the car too far from the machine, tried to reach to the machine and put the card in – wrong way. Tried to search for the cash again inside the car lockers and underneath the bench and my purse. I heard horns and angry people yelling outside. It was hot and what a traffic! I had to hang up the phone. Cash is king, I remembered!

I checked from the mirror how I looked without sunglasses. Then got out from the car with the credit card. Guy from the car behind me (Fiat) got out too and walked up to me (good looking) and his friend was watching and laughing. He asked if I had a problem? – No. But this won’t take my card. Let me see, I have cash, he said. -Okey. He paid and asked where I came from? I replied: Serraville designer’s outlet, in Scrivia. He goes: You were not born there? I meant which country you are from? -Hmmm, I named one country (not my own, for heaven’s sake, to save my fellow citizens from this embarrassment). He was delighted and said he knew a girl from there. Even could speak few basic lines. I bet you do, I replied in that language (just to makes sure). Did you buy a lot of nice dresses there? – No I didn’t buy anything. So there was nothing for you? -No, not today. I thanked him and curtseyed. He stared at me and said “how cute can you do it again?” I didn’t, but gave him a big smile.

So situation was clear and gate opened. I was cool and took off with the third gear, car was making noise and jumping a little, but it moved. Right after I pulled over to wait my friends in the other car to pass the toll as we had agreed.

Same guy stopped beside me, rolled the window down and waved me the do the same. He asked with a grin “did you miss me already?”- I didn’t stop for you but I am waiting for my friends. “Your car is not automatic, I see. Can you drive it; it is Alfa Romeo you know?”- I can and I don’t care what it is as long as it takes me safely to places. “Okay, where are you going? “ -Either Alessandria or Genova, haven’t decided yet I told him. My GPS was giving instructions while we spoke, “turn left”, as the car didn’t move, voice said “ go straight and turn right”. Voice got louder “ now turn right” Guy was laughing… “Alessandria and Genova are in opposite directions; you have about couple of hundred meters to decide before autostrade begins. You make a winning combination you and your GPS! “– I know, thank you and have a nice day!

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Post by pattygirl on Wed 15 Aug 2012, 01:06

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to church with him.

So he asked the centipede

in the box,
"Would you like to go
to church with me today?
We will have a good time."

But there was no answer
from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
to church with me
and receive blessings?"


But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.

This time he
put his face up against
the centipede's house and shouted,

"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
church with me
and learn about God?"

.....

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......

This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,


"I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"
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Post by melbert on Wed 15 Aug 2012, 02:11

I spit coffee PattyGirl! Too funny!

B i C - that's quite a story! Big, strong man saves the day??!!!


Last edited by melbert on Thu 16 Aug 2012, 02:42; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Joanna on Wed 15 Aug 2012, 16:19

JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS - Page 10 28485210
Joanna
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Post by Best in Category on Wed 15 Aug 2012, 19:50

Melbert: He was skinny max my hight and probably living at home with his parents Very Happy

“The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish [Euro for
short].

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,
sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be
replased with 'k'. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replased by 'f'. This will make words like
'fotograf' 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which ahve always
ben a deternent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
of silent 'e' in the languaj is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the forth uer, peopl wil be receptiv to steps such as replasing the
'th' by 'z' and the 'w' by 'v'. During the fifz uer, ze unesesary 'o' kan
be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes nud of kors be
splid to ozeer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli senisbl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor tubls or difikultis and avrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.”

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Post by melbert on Thu 16 Aug 2012, 02:44

BiC - too funny!!! The fifth year looks alot like German to me! They should just change to German, eh? hahaha
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