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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Jun 08 2012, 19:08



On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses
an inflatable sex doll?

Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Fri Jun 08 2012, 20:12

I wouldn't recommend this......

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Holiday Inn and I had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Sat Jun 09 2012, 13:32

Bet you never thought of this...New Treatment For Sunburn.

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Cinderella on Sat Jun 09 2012, 14:06

Hi Cindigirl, I gave you a green for the bus joke! I've missed talking to everyone! Sorry about being gone for a while but I needed the break!

I have a funny story... and it's real...

My Aunt left a jar of Oven Roasted Butter Toffee Almonds in the vehicle last time we were together. Of course, after arriving home I had to eat them... I didn't want them to go to waste... Anyway, I was at Walmart doing some shopping and since my mother was going to see her over the weekend, I wanted to pick up a jar to replace them. Well... our local Walmart had been renovated recently and they moved everything around. It was very hard trying to find where they put the nuts. So, as I was looking around I saw a young man stocking shelves and asked him... (get ready for it) "Do you know where you keep your nuts?" - After I realized what I had said, I felt the heat come up into my face and about died! Luckily, he answered me without losing it... And me, after a moment, didn't crackup laughing as I wanted to... True story... I guess I needed to laugh and my mother and I laughed all the way home. lol! I still laugh about it. And I said it innocently!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Sat Jun 09 2012, 14:11

Hi Cindy, good to hear from you again. LOL on your nuts joke. I bet the young man had a good laugh about it with his friends. lip smack

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Sat Jun 09 2012, 18:44

cindigirl wrote:Bet you never thought of this...New Treatment For Sunburn.

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'

LOLOLOL!!!!  I loved this joke!  Good one!

 

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sun Jun 10 2012, 20:17

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt

in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.







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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Sun Jun 10 2012, 23:22

pattygirl wrote:An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt

in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.





OMG!!! I screamed out in laughter so loudly just now that I'm sure my neighbors must think I've truly lost it! Funniest blonde joke I've read in a long time!

Got send this one to my friends!



Last edited by LornaDoone on Sun Jun 10 2012, 23:23; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : too many just's (overkill on the words today) keep repeating myself...)

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Mon Jun 11 2012, 15:34

Here is old age at its best:

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him,and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?’ 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Jun 12 2012, 01:21

Oh Cindigirl, that was great! Had to pass that one along





John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.After all, He is your son!" With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Tue Jun 12 2012, 02:11

CindiGirl and Deb - hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Didn't see either one of them coming!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Tue Jun 12 2012, 15:40

Resume Blunders
How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/entertainment

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Jun 12 2012, 20:23

Sources in the Obama administration said today that

to help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the
Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order
To lower Social Security and Medicare cost.


OLDER PEOPLE ARE EASIER TO CATCH AND WILL NOT REMEMBER
HOW TO GET BACK HOME.


I started to cry when I thought of you.


Then it dawned on me, ....... Shit!
I'll see you on the bus

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Tue Jun 12 2012, 21:34

Pattygirl,
Thanks for any and all political jokes.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Wed Jun 13 2012, 00:28

Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the cheif then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The cheif calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The cheif rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.

The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jun 14 2012, 00:50



60th High School Reunion
>
> He was a widower and she a widow.
>
> They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
>
> This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
>
> They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
> The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
>
> Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
>
> After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
>
> The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
>
> Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
>
> He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
>
> He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
>
> First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
>
> As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
>
> "Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."
>
> The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
>
> Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”


Last edited by pattygirl on Thu Jun 14 2012, 00:52; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Lost beginning of story)

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jun 14 2012, 14:01

He's My Brother - This is Priceless



Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use
these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either.”

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Thu Jun 14 2012, 18:38

Just Pretend
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. Still, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the livingroom where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,

"Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Jun 15 2012, 03:38

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!




WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.





MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?





CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)




WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'




WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men....

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'





CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !





WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,


and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'





The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.






God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by blubelle on Fri Jun 15 2012, 16:18

I loved them!!!! Thanks Pattygirl.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Jun 15 2012, 18:21

Here's a Joke for Each Day of the Week

MONDAY



The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,


'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'




TUESDAY



A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'


The preacher said, 'No shit?'




WEDNESDAY



Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'



'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'




THURSDAY



One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'




FRIDAY



A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'



After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'





SATURDAY





Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy billionaire widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.


At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'


Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'


They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'


'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'




Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'




SUNDAY


Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'



A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 16 2012, 00:16

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3.. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

10. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by it's me on Sat Jun 16 2012, 01:03

10 is fantastic! Very Happy

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Sat Jun 16 2012, 01:11

Joanna's BACK!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Guest on Sat Jun 16 2012, 01:20

it's me wrote:10 is fantastic! Very Happy


I would be willing Oi, you! to "DO Number "10" if there was free food and wine involved!!

Guest
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 16 2012, 18:27

Susan failed a Health and Safety course
at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"


"F***ing' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 18 2012, 14:05

The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire
your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist.
"Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said
"Naw, reckon not.
A'll just hang onto her ears
'til a get the hang of it"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Mon Jun 18 2012, 15:07

My apologies to our Catholic friends. This is NOT meant to offend -

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Mon Jun 18 2012, 15:08

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Mon Jun 18 2012, 15:09

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Mon Jun 18 2012, 19:15

Secret Of Life
A woman walking down a residential street, noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. She called out to him as she passed.

"Hello there! I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he replied. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat nothing but fast food, and never exercise."

"Wow!" The woman was amazed. "How old are you?" she asked.

"Twenty-six," he replied.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Jun 19 2012, 08:19

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Tue Jun 19 2012, 14:18

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile..An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!!
You think MEN have attitudes??Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Jun 19 2012, 14:27

Good one cindi....don't forget your bullet proof vest
and keep in touch with us !!



How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.


ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?

Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...





TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:


Pass My Shotgun
Psychotic Mood Shift
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly Men Suck

Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this anymore!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Tue Jun 19 2012, 14:35

Great, Jo and cindi! Thumbs up!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Tue Jun 19 2012, 15:02

Love your descriptive joke Jo - you just described life in a fraternity Man Cave. LOL

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Jun 19 2012, 15:28

Dating in 1957

You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this.

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred
had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang
the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred
in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something
to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat
at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her
friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all
night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking
about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty
as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and
with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted
Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst
into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.

"The damned dance is called the Twist.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Tue Jun 19 2012, 15:33

ROFL patty. Thumbs up!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Jun 19 2012, 15:37

Good one patty LOL

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Jun 19 2012, 16:20

Why I Owe My Mother ...







1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with

me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all-time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Tue Jun 19 2012, 16:27

Speaking of moms, this is my favorite video - what a mom says in a 24 hour period.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e6EWpAHahk

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Tue Jun 19 2012, 16:55

LOVE that CindiGirl!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Tue Jun 19 2012, 17:08

Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by janieb on Tue Jun 19 2012, 19:20

pattygirl wrote:Sources in the Obama administration said today that

to help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the
Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order
To lower Social Security and Medicare cost.


OLDER PEOPLE ARE EASIER TO CATCH AND WILL NOT REMEMBER
HOW TO GET BACK HOME.


I started to cry when I thought of you.


Then it dawned on me, ....... Shit!
I'll see you on the bus


ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by janieb on Tue Jun 19 2012, 19:22

Here is a very simple joke:

When is a door not a door............when it's AJAR!! Very Happy cheers

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jun 20 2012, 10:40

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out.
The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies.
“But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Wed Jun 20 2012, 17:13

The following is why I left my initial career in government. Note to G, or G's reps who read COH, please tell Obama that he needs to address this issue.

Memo Differences
Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

http://www.cybersalt.org/entertainment

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Jun 20 2012, 20:21

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!
Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.... Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID.... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jun 21 2012, 02:32


Life's Top 10 Realities




NUMBER 10
Life is sexually transmitted.



NUMBER 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



NUMBER 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



NUMBER 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.



NUMBER 6
Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.



NUMBER 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.



NUMBER 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



NUMBER 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?



NUMBER 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.



=

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu Jun 21 2012, 02:30


Investment tips for 2012

For all of you with any money left after this awful year, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co... will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly-Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will call their newcompany : Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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