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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed May 30 2012, 17:49

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said,
'You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said
'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on
hard wooden floors. I would like a real
fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.'
Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed
in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same
offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to
run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!
If we could just have some little roller skates,
we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.'
All the mice had beautiful roller skates.


About a week later, God decided to check
on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow..
God gently awakened the cat and asked,
'Is everything okay? How have you been doing?
Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL.
I have never been so happy in my life.

The pillow is so fluffy, and those little
Meals on Wheels you have been
sending over are delicious!'

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 30 2012, 17:51

FIRST TIME SEX



A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.



Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.



At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.



"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.



10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.



Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'



The boy turns, and whispers back,



'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'






If you DON'T forward

this to at least 1 person you have no sense of humour !!!




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 30 2012, 17:58

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! pattygirl, you are on a roll!!!! Thanks for brightening up my workday!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 30 2012, 18:01

Why Go to Church?


One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"


The Picnic


A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."





The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.


Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty,
"where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, theLutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "



Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed May 30 2012, 18:26

Thanks for the religious jokes patty Coolio

The final sentence is great too !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Thu May 31 2012, 04:55

How to get women to exercise

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=yEH4Yum4nN4

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Thu May 31 2012, 06:39

Home Rememdies that really work

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Thu May 31 2012, 14:56

LOLOL Very funny deb!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu May 31 2012, 15:23

Thanks for the funny jokes Joanna, patty and deb.

Another golf joke for your morning entertainment:

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Thu May 31 2012, 15:27

LOLOL! I'm sending this to some golfers I know!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu May 31 2012, 15:40

And you thought you were having a bad day!!!

SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

P.S. It's been a long time since I laughed that hard at an email!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu May 31 2012, 16:38

Even When They Lie, Women are Noble -
Gerald McEathron

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up
with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney,
you would have come up with Brad Pitt.
Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.

Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands,
so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason,
and is always in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed, All Us Women

Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu May 31 2012, 16:41

Now...All together girls...after 3...

1...2...3....


Shall we gather at the river,
where bright angel feet have trod,
with its crystal tide forever
flowing by the throne of God?

Refrain:

Yes, we'll gather at the river,
the beautiful, the beautiful river;
gather with the saints at the river
that flows by the throne of God.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Thu May 31 2012, 19:21

Smile For the DMV
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Thu May 31 2012, 19:23

Pattygirl,
Can you reveal your source for all of the great political jokes?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Thu May 31 2012, 19:37

I wish all you ladies could see how much you make me laugh DAILY! Thanks for sharing!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Thu May 31 2012, 19:51

DR, my source is just the humor of my friends' emails. Sometimes, they're really a gold mine. Sometimes, all I get are ads, offers of millions of dollars, and of course, my bills. The humor makes opening my email acct. fun.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu May 31 2012, 21:07

I don't get spam to my main email account.
I use a different email address for all my purchases and transactions and all the spam goes to that account, leaving my social one free of junk mail.

Keep the funnies coming girls !

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri Jun 01 2012, 12:36

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says,
"I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says,
"I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says;
"I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says

"No sister, the paper says it was the
'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Fri Jun 01 2012, 15:25

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the heck is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ...
************************************
Clean can be funny.
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'




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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Fri Jun 01 2012, 16:08

LOLOL, cindi!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by blubelle on Fri Jun 01 2012, 16:30

These jokes are so good that I learned how to cut and paste and now I send them to friends. I know ..... you can't believe that I couldn't cut and paste. Believe!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Fri Jun 01 2012, 17:08

Bluebelle,
It's also taken me time to learn everything about a computer; harder than learning all about men, and sometimes less enjoyable.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Fri Jun 01 2012, 17:51

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED . INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN .

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD , WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS .

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Thanks to Charles Lo Pinto, a great guy and fellow actor, for these jokes.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by MM on Fri Jun 01 2012, 20:17

Ha Ha, DR!! I went to Catholic school myself, and, nobody in my class would have written those kinds of responses. Maybe some mispellings, but nothing totally out in left field.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Sat Jun 02 2012, 20:56

As your friend I pray this has NEVER happened to you.

Subject: FOR ALL THE MEN IN OUR LIVES WHO ASK, "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM"?
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch.It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers"(invented bysomeone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook,if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on theFLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless(God I should have gone to the gym!!!)thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWNthere was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious,tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that
it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat becauseYOU never laid down toilet paper -not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom nevertouched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,"You just don'tKNOWwhat kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too. At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket! and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this". As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks,"What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" ............

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 02 2012, 21:43

I do try to hang on till I get home...but sometimes oopsie

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Sun Jun 03 2012, 16:56

Video - the things you don't say to your wife.

Key to a long and happy marriage


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun Jun 03 2012, 21:24

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"


**************************************************


"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said.
"Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his patient,
"I'll come back when you are sober."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 04 2012, 14:52

For a bit of light relief, click on the link below to view some examples of the funny postcards....part of my childhood.


Just too saucy! The bawdy seaside postcards the censors banned 50 years ago
By TOM KELLY


UPDATED: 10:30, 6 August 2010
Comments (40)

They are images that epitomise the golden age of seaside holidays. Saucy postcards featuring heaving bosoms, henpecked husbands, miserable wives and captions loaded with double entendres were as much part of the fun as candy floss and donkey rides.

But more than 50 years ago, prudish officials deemed these bawdy cartoons unfit for public consumption and had them banned.
Now a museum is putting on show all 21 of the comic cards by prolific artist Donald McGill that the censors suppressed.

Too saucy for some: McGill's cartoons were full of double entendres
McGill produced 12,000 designs over nearly six decades and sold more than 200million cards in small shops in British seaside towns.

But in the early 1950s local councils organised a mass clean-up at resorts across the country, and in 1954 McGill was charged with publishing obscene images.
He pleaded guilty. Four of his cards were immediately banned
and 17 withdrawn from sale.

James Bissell-Thomas, owner of the Donald McGill Postcard Museum in Ryde on the Isle of Wight, which is showing the cards, said: 'What is startling is how innocent the majority of these
"obscene" cards were.

Guilty: McGill admitted in court that his illustrations broke the
1857 Obscene Publications Act

'It seemed to be a bit of a witch-hunt. Many of the images had been on display in the 1930s and 1940s but they were suddenly seen as a threat to society. It has to be the worst example of a nanny state curtailing the lives of the public.

'McGill's work was enjoyed by millions during his lifetime, but he remained a modest man and, in my opinion, never really received the recognition he deserved.'

McGill lost around £100,000 of revenue, by today's value,
as a result of the censorship.


Banned: Not everyone saw the funny side of the cartoons, as the censors' official stamp on one of the postcards above proves
DONALD McGILL, THE ACCIDENTIAL ARTIST

Self portrait: McGill by McGill
Donald McGill began his career by accident aged 30 in 1904 when he sent a cartoon to a nephew in hospital showing a man up to his neck in a frozen pond with the caption: ‘Hope you get out!’

It was forwarded to a publisher who commissioned his work. He went on to sell more than 200million cards with at least 12,000 designs over almost six decades.

He lived in a suburban home in Blackheath, South-East London, with his wife and children, and was described as looking like a bank clerk.

Yet by 1941 he was singled out by George Orwell as
‘the most prolific and by far the best of contemporary
postcard artists’.

His work was popular but also notorious and led to the 1954 show trial at Lincoln Assizes over the postcards pictured here and others.

The artist, who was 79 by then, admitted breaking
the 1857 Obscene Publications Act but claimed in mitigation:
‘I had no intention of a “double meaning” and, in fact, a double meaning was in some cases later pointed out to me.’

He died in 1962, aged 87.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1300763/Just-saucy-The-bawdy-seaside-postcards-censors-banned-50-years-ago.html#ixzz1wpewLwFk

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 04 2012, 15:04

http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/05/18/fifty-shades-of-grey-gilbert-gottfried-video/


'Fifty Shades of Grey' narrated by Gilbert Gottfried:
NSFW video
by Erin Strecker



Gilbert Gottfried is narrating the novel you’re desperately hoping your mom isn’t reading – Fifty Shades of Grey.

To be fair, the NSFW clip is a joke, and a pretty funny one at that, but I I could go my whole life without hearing Grey’s raunchiest lines narrated in Gottfried’s nails-on-chalkboard voice.
Check out — and get ready to cringe at — Gottfried’s narration below:

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY: Get the latest news, photos, and more

If the comedian hasn’t ruined the sexy-time fun for you, let’s daydream together.
The official audiobook was released last month, as narrated by
Becca Battoe. But if there were going to be a celebrity-narrated version (maybe for charity?) who would you love to hear lend their voice to Christian and Anastasia’s sexcapades?
Alan Rickman? Sofia Vergara?

Read more:
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ goes audio — EXCLUSIVE CLIP
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’: Some of the novel’s funniest, least sexy lines
Barbara Walters talks ’50 Shades’ and sex on ‘The View’
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 04 2012, 15:09

http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/04/16/barbara-walters-talks-50-shades-and-sex-on-the-view/

.....click for video


Barbara Walters talks '50 Shades' and sex on 'The View'
by April Daley



Can you handle Barbara Walters talking about sex (and rough sex, at that)?
The 82-year-old host led a discussion about knocking boots this morning on The View.
Tied to the best-selling novel 50 Shades of Grey and HBO’s risque portrayal of 20-somethings in the new series Girls, Walters got frank about sex and S&M.
This isn’t the first time 50 Shades of Gray has made an appearance on the show.
The ladies mentioned it earlier this year when the book first began steaming up e-readers around the nation, but this time the conversation got a little more personal.

Clad in a leather jacket, Walters asks her costars,
“Do you like it when he’s rough?”
See how they responded in the clip below.

Warning: Whoopi said part of this conversation “made her eyes bleed.” My ears and eyes are also still recovering.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY: Get the latest news, photos, and more

Sound off: Too much, too early in the morning?
Did it make your eyes and ears bleed too?

E L James: ‘The Hunger Games’ ‘upset me’
‘Fifty Shades of Grey’: Some of the novel’s funniest,
least sexy lines
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Mon Jun 04 2012, 15:36

Gilbert's version? I dried up like the Mohave Desert...

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 04 2012, 19:39

lol! It happens ....do you good to have rest mel lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Mon Jun 04 2012, 20:31

P. 120 "...Stroking the front wall of my vagina." lol!

I need to read that book.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Mon Jun 04 2012, 21:55

Reading it now....can hardly put it down.....fascinating, stimulating, titilating, captivating good read!!!!! Thumbs up! Thumbs up!
I see what all the buzz is about.... Yahooooo

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Maggy on Tue Jun 05 2012, 00:34

Wow! can't wait to get a copy.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Jun 05 2012, 04:20

http://img.thesun.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00622/beer_goggles_622180a.swf


You dont have to "pull it" , it will happen on its own

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue Jun 05 2012, 12:19

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t actually ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].
The word condom won’t even be used."

The first day was fine but on the second day a big black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile
and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket
hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket
hanging between his legs.
"Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50.
He's the window cleaner!"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue Jun 05 2012, 14:19

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by MM on Wed Jun 06 2012, 17:03

A fundamentalist preacher was giving one of his sermons on the evils of drinking.

He said, "I would take all the BEER in the world, AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER."

The congregation said, "AMEN!!!"

The preacher shouted, "I would take all the WINE in the world, AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER!!!"

The congregation said, "AMEN!!!"

Finally, the righteous preacher thundered,"I would take all the LIQUOR in the world, AND THROW IT IN THE RIVER!!"

The congregation rose to its feet, and screamed, "AMEN!!!"

The preacher, exhausted from the sermon, sat down and wiped his sweaty face. After a few minutes of silence, he told the organist to play the final hymm.

The organist sat down, and played the hymn, "Shall We Gather At The River?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Wed Jun 06 2012, 17:32

OK ladies, read this and tell me who said men weren't sensitive?

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops, and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, the shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering. Would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.






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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jun 06 2012, 18:27

lol! ...or...."maybe push the lawnmower ?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jun 06 2012, 19:17

Ticket for Norwald

Man to Ticket Agent: “I want to buy a plane ticket for Norwald...
for a vacation, you know...!”

Ticket Agent, searching book: "Norwald? Let me find that.
Hmm... never heard of it. Let me see... Norwald.
I don't see Norwald listed, and I can't find it on the map.
Just where is Norwald anyway?"

Man: “Over there. He's my brother!”

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed Jun 06 2012, 19:20

Are there any gators?

On his vacation on the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Noo," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely
toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu Jun 07 2012, 15:02

Talking about gators - two female alligators are talking to each other. One says "I love your purse." The other says "Thanks, it's my ex-husband."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu Jun 07 2012, 15:26

True story about Lee Travino, professional golfer -

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English ?" Lee responded, "Yes M'aam, I do" The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work ?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her". The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu Jun 07 2012, 17:37

Loved you gators joke so much cindi, I gave you a greenie !
BUT
I can top it with mine that I just got from a Clooney mate
by email !
Can't guarantee that it's true though lol!



If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately
for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just .... That ....I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. .
Its. . Teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50..
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu Jun 07 2012, 17:49

Love your joke Joanna and I know snakes lay eggs so I assume lizards do too.

Glad you liked my lizard joke, in all fairness I picked up the phrase from Melbert who posted it before and it made me laugh. I love cynical jokes.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Fri Jun 08 2012, 14:08


Little Hayden and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Hayden goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand .

Hayden bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,Mr. Smith replies, "Well Hayden, you are only 10.. Where will you two live? "

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Hayden replies, "In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina."

Again, Hayden instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Larry has put so much thought into this.

"Well Hayden, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Hayden just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable...
















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-------- Begin forwarded message -------- Subject: Fwd: Little Hayden Date: 6/3/12 6:48:28 PM Today's winner Description: cid:1.3324891868@web121203.mail.ne1.yahoo.com Little Hayden and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Hayden goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand . Hayden bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,Mr. Smith replies, "Well Hayden, you are only 10.. Where will you two live? " Without even taking a moment to think about it, Hayden replies, "In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina." Again, Hayden instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Larry has put so much thought into this. "Well Hayden, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Hayden just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable...





-------- Begin forwarded message --------

Subject: Fwd: Little Hayden

Date: 6/3/12 6:48:28 PM














Today's winner



Description: cid:1.3324891868@web121203.mail.ne1.yahoo.com


Little Hayden and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Hayden goes to Gina's father to ask him for her hand .


Hayden bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,Mr. Smith replies, "Well Hayden, you are only 10.. Where will you two live? "


Without even taking a moment to think about it, Hayden replies, "In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."


Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina."


Again, Hayden instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."


Mr. Smith is impressed Larry has put so much thought into this.


"Well Hayden, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"


Hayden just shrugs his shoulders and says,


"Well, we've been lucky so far."


Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable...











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