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JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by playfuldeb on Tue May 22 2012, 04:16

to see if they're ripe?

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue May 22 2012, 10:10

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Supposedly taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them… They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?'
and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask
for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you
don't have television because they are the only grownups
who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH!
HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and
they blame their dog.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Wed May 23 2012, 01:40

Joanna - just perfect!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed May 23 2012, 12:52

Grand Parents Also Love Bus Rides


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully
munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again
and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again,
he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Vi on Wed May 23 2012, 13:30

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

lol

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed May 23 2012, 20:40

A grade 5 teacher asked her students to make
rhymes with their names.



Sam:

My name is Sam.
When I grow up to be a man,
I want to go to India and Japan.
If I can, If I can.


Candy:

My name is Candy.
When I grow up to be a lady,
I want to have a baby.
If I can, if I can.


Dan:

My name is Dan.
When I grow up to be a man,
To hell with India and Japan,
I'm gonna help Candy with her plan.
I know I can, I know I can :p

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Wed May 23 2012, 20:53

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people.
In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question:
"Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,
"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 23 2012, 22:22

LOL Like 'em both, Jo!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 23 2012, 22:52

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!" The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!" The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own f**king blanket!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by MM on Thu May 24 2012, 00:14

In honor of my 50th birthday, I will share this poem.

THE GOLDEN YEARS



The Golden Years have come at last -
I cannot see; I cannot pee;
I cannot chew, I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks;
No sense of smell: I look like hell!
My body is drooping; got trouble pooping.

The Golden Years have come at last.
But the Golden Years have turned to BRASS.
If you ask me -
The GOLDEN YEARS...
Can kiss my ASS!


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Thu May 24 2012, 00:41

Hey MM, haven't you heard.....50 is the new 40! You're hipper than you think, darling! And Happy Birthday!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Thu May 24 2012, 17:04

Some Maxine jokes

O If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road.
O Even doctors make mistakes, mine asked me to undress.
O My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself!
O Big surprise --- even my blood type's negative!
O There should be support groups for women to can't put their dishes
in the dishwasher dirty.
O The only way I'll drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.
O Any day on the side of the flower bed is a good day.
O Celebrate Ben Franklin's birthday. Go fly a kite.
O I finally found an honest mechanic, he honestly doesn't know how
to fix anything.
O What's your secret for keeping your figure? Getting everything to
droop at the same rate.
O Let me know if you suddenly become interesting.
O Most ot the people you see in lingerie stores, you wouldn't want to
see in lingerie.
O A household hint: Stop dusting and you can use your coffee table
as a message board.

TOWEL HEADS
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet. Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads.'

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Thu May 24 2012, 17:18

Thumbs up! Thanks for the laugh, Cindi! Makes my workday more pleasant and go faster1

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu May 24 2012, 18:26

Happy 50th MM Give Flowers2 Have a Good Year !




The whole poem is here....plus a lovely cartoon !

http://forum.tonyferguson.com/Topic397881-4-1.aspx


Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
By Pam Ayres




Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,

Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,

Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.



'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.

It's Nature's Revenge for all that sinning,

And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.



'Cos tits can be such troublesome things

When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.

And although they go well with my Bingo Wings,

I wish I'd looked after me tits.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Thu May 24 2012, 18:40

LOLOL!!! Joanna! I love it!!!!! Thanks for the poem, you fun loving broad, you!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Thu May 24 2012, 19:35

You Make Me Laugh

Strange Problem
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said.

"You have way too much time on your hands!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/entertainment


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Thu May 24 2012, 21:31


Joanna
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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Fri May 25 2012, 02:01

That's some funny shit!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Fri May 25 2012, 15:09

Fred & Mary

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school,
he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks,
"Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Fri May 25 2012, 15:31

ROFL Jo - now I wonder who is going to go into the bedroom to clean up the mess.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Fri May 25 2012, 15:46

LMAO! Now THAT's funny, Jo!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Fri May 25 2012, 15:47

You Make Me Laugh

Forgetting Something
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

"Daddy, where's Mommy?"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Sat May 26 2012, 16:01

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
>> To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before
>> last. Craig's List Personal Ad
>> Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am . E.S.T.
>> I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded
>> that I
>> hand over, shortly after you pulled
>> the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also
>> asked for
>> my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow
>> come
>> across this rather important message.
>> First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect
>> you to
>> actually crap in your pants when
>> I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that
>> cold,
>> and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy
>> that I
>> just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in
>> Afghanistan ..
>> She had just bought me that Kimber
>> Custom Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked
>> up a
>> shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that
>> it is a
>> very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
>> I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come
>> from with
>> crap in your pants. I'm sure it
>> was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes,
>> cell
>> phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or
>> running to
>> your buddies to come help mug us again].
>> After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your
>> cell, I
>> explained the entire episode of
>> what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as
>> those of
>> four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy
>> with
>> the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
>> I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along
>> with
>> all the cash in your wallet. [That
>> made his day!]
>> I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was
>> parked at
>> the curb ..... after I broke the
>> windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the
>> car.
>> Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's
>> office
>> and one to the FBI, while mentioning
>> President Obama as my possible target.
>> The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I
>> guess while
>> he traced your number etc.).
>> ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
>> feel
>> this type of retribution
>> is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I
>> wish you
>> well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate
>> pressing
>> issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect
>> upon, and
>> perhaps reconsider, the career path
>> you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not
>> be so
>> lucky. Have a good day!
>> Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
>> Alex
>> Probably don't have to ask you to forward this one,
>>
>> it is priceless!





Last edited by pattygirl on Tue May 29 2012, 22:14; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Too much extra junk)

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Sat May 26 2012, 16:49

Now that's my kind of Marine!!!! Semper Fi!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun May 27 2012, 19:29

It's Saint Patrick's day and an armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the man without hesitation.

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" screams the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says,

"I think me wife here may have caught a glimpse."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun May 27 2012, 19:38

OK - if you don't know what Freecycle is, I highly recommend Googling it and discovering a world of recycling that can help your junk filing cabinet become someone else's useful office equipment, and their set of cookery books yours...as it were.

But there is a side to Freecycle that's very amusing.
This is a list of some of the items posted as offered,
(free of course), to those who want to email and collect...

(Offered)

Dursley - Builders rubble - about 14 tonnes

Bedford - Broken container, suit large garden plant.

Bath-Wotton - Used toothpaste tubes - collectors items

Gloucester - Christmas Cards, all have one side unmarked

Bussage - Lilac tree stump, dug out of my parents a week ago

Sapperton - large rock, will not fit in estate car

Leeds - 4 radiators, various sizes, collector to disconnect from flat.

Stroud - Black & White TV - not working

Nottingham - Newspapers, large collection 1989-1993
plus firebrick making machine

Chobham - Unique knitted Cardigan, made from natural Poodle wool, fit 8-12 year old.

Dorchester - Set of six 2 gallon sealable containers, need rinsing

Godalming - medical text books and box of 1000
hypodermic syringes (sterile, sealed 1988)

Piddletrenthide - Sack full of mole skins, approx 80, cleaned
and treated, ready for use.

Bristol - oversized underwear, good condition, large selection, bought as job lot.

Frampton Mansell - ladies size 7 shoes, 10 pairs, no heels missing.

Re-offered - rubble, Dursley

Cheltenham - Goose fat, for cooking or insulation purposes

Halsey - Framed, stretched Harley Davidson tattoo,
12" x 18" (real skin) unwanted heirloom...

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun May 27 2012, 20:58

American Bull Molosser

Free to good home.
Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no
more drug pushers, thieves,
murderers, or molesters
left in the
neighborhood for him to eat.

Most of them knew Jethro only
by his Chinese Street name,

Ho Lee Schitt.


http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/a/americanbullmolosser.htm

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Sun May 27 2012, 22:31

Guess my age?

An elderly man walked up to a group of elderly ladies
sitting on a bench outside the old peoples home.

“Ladies” he said, “I bet you can’t guess how old I am?”

They all replied in unison “Yes we can!”

The man looked quizzical.

They told him to take off his trousers and pants.
Intrigued he did as he was told.

“Now” they said, “Do a twirl” so he shuffled around in a circle.

“Now” they said, “Jump up and down on the spot
with your legs together” so he bounced up and down,
then tiring a bit he said.
“OK OK how old am I?”

“You are 89 years old!”

Amazed the man exclaimed,
“How do you know this???

They all replied together
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Sun May 27 2012, 23:09

Joanna,
Very, very clever.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon May 28 2012, 14:55

The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters!


> --------------------------
> Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.
> --------------------------
> Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
> Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'
> --------------------------
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
> --------------------------
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
> Smile at someone who is hard to love.
> Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
> --------------------------
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
> --------------------------
> Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation .
> --------------------------
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
> --------------------------
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
> --------------------------
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
> So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
> --------------------------
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
> --------------------------
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
> --------------------------
> Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
> --------------------------
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
> --------------------------
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
> --------------------------
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
> --------------------------
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
> --------------------------
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
> --------------------------
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
> --------------------------
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
> --------------------------
> The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM.
> The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
> --------------------------
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
> --------------------------
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Mon May 28 2012, 15:28

too good!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Mon May 28 2012, 16:35

Some Maxine Jokes

This IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon May 28 2012, 16:51

cindigirl.....you are 1000% right in all your observations. Thumbs up!

Phew... I'm so relieved you've noticed it too Hug1

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Mon May 28 2012, 17:00

hahahaha! I've noticed all those same problems too. Me and Maxine think exactly the same! You go girlfriend Maxine!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by LornaDoone on Mon May 28 2012, 17:11

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.[i]

@Joanna I was howling at this one! Thanks for the belly laugh!


Last edited by LornaDoone on Mon May 28 2012, 17:12; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : correct my spelling - it's early! :-))

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Mon May 28 2012, 18:29

Thanks, cindi and jo, for making me laugh out loud! I never tire of a good laugh!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Mon May 28 2012, 20:20



Scotch with two drops of water




A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buyyou one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'




'OLD' IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

And make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

On your new alligator shoes

And you're barefoot..



'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy

And your pacemaker opens the garage door.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

Just as long as you don't have to go along.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police




'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action'

Means you don't need to take any fiber today.



'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

In the parking lot.



'OLD'IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

To use the bathroom.



AND



'OLD' IS WHEN.....

You are not sure these are jokes




Remember to always smile, it makes people wonder what you have been up to!






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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by cindigirl on Mon May 28 2012, 20:23

ROFL patty - I love getting older jokes.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon May 28 2012, 20:27

LornaDoone wrote:Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.[i]

@Joanna I was howling at this one! Thanks for the belly laugh!



Yes...It's good to laff...I like this one....

"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by melbert on Mon May 28 2012, 20:32

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going braless

Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

And this dear ones is why I have NO wrinkles on my face!!!!!!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Mon May 28 2012, 20:33

Thanks patty....I can identify with all those too lol!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Joanna on Tue May 29 2012, 13:34

Male Stages of Drunkeness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered.
Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in.
After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra.
Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.
Try to instigate conversation about bras.
Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool.
Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery,
sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you.
Call parents and tell them you love them.
Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and
she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend.
No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room.
Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room.
Lots of people say yes.
Go round the bar hugging them one by one.
Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back.
Next bottle comes back tasting same.
Say, "That's much better".
Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders.
Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer
to give a baby to.
Fall over. Get up. Fall over.
Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar,
having taken a wrong turning.
Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody.
Give home address.
Taken home.
Can't get key in door.
Realize you've given address of your local gym.
Generally pleased at way evening has gone.
Pass out again.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Tue May 29 2012, 14:00

LOL Ladies! I like getting old AND getting drunk jokes! I also like sex jokes.....

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by davidarochelle on Tue May 29 2012, 16:30

You Make Me Laugh

Sunday Compliment
The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Tue May 29 2012, 22:11

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

'You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'


The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.


'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich ....

beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says,

'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you,

there's going to be a string attached.

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 30 2012, 00:27

LOLOL thanks DR and patty for the laughs!

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 30 2012, 17:31








A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 30 2012, 17:38



The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.


They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.



The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.


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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 30 2012, 17:43



a little welfare humor...













































Welfare Office
















A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all yours?"

' Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your childrens names.'

''Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy."

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'

An they all comes a running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names..'





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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 30 2012, 17:45



Daddy is a Gay Exotic Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, Wally salesman... and so forth..

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

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Re: JOKES and ALL THINGS HUMOROUS

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