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The Bad Advice Game

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by LornaDoone on Thu May 31 2012, 05:03

Duh, Simple - cut your arm off! (say with Valley Girl accent)

Ok, so I sold the crappy car and bought a better one and I'm living in a nicer neighborhood, but I've just met a guy and I want to take him home with me. How do I get past the "living-in-my-car" dilemma?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Thu May 31 2012, 11:07

Oh you have to be honest in ALL relationships !
So...steal a stretch limo with a well stocked drinks cabinet...
and take him home to that Thumbs up!

At the moment I'm out on the road competing in a cycle race with 50 other cyclists and it's started to rain. I can't see a thing now through my rain covered glasses and keep bumping into them and knocking them off their bikes.
I'm very unpopular.
Help !


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by LornaDoone on Sat Jun 02 2012, 03:38

Ah forget about being popular - just keep knocking everyone off in front of you, eventually you'll be the leader of the race and win! Yay!


It's June 1st and I've just realized it's 206 days till Christmas (ok I cheated and used this link http://www.xmasclock.com/ )

But I'm seriously starting to stress out. Pretty soon those damn Hallmark stores will be putting out their 2012 holiday tree ornaments behind glaring signs telling me I'd better buy them up cause they'll run out of them before September! How do I stop myself from succumbing to their disgustingly, obvious attempts to make me feel like I'll be the only schmuck in my neighborhood without a 2012 ornament!! I have no willpower! Somebody help me quick!


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun Jun 03 2012, 11:45

Emigrate to a desert island with no electronic devices until it's all over and get back home middle of January refreshed.


I have no shoes......a fox came into the house and stole them all..... and it's wet outside.... so how do I walk outside or drive my car ?
Help !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sun Jun 03 2012, 15:57

And that was Fantastic Mr. Fox, eh? We know that George likes shoes, so ring him up and tell him to bring you brand new shoes to replace the old ones he took. And when he is delivering your new shoes, tell him you have a friend (me???!!!) who needs new shoes too!


I have a little problem. I locked myself out of my apartment. When I was climbing up to my balcony to see if I could get in the sliding glass door, I fell from the 13th floor and broke both my arms and both my legs. I am now typing with a knitting needle in my mouth, but having a difficult time controlling it. Any suggestions?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by noodle on Sun Jun 03 2012, 18:55

You must superglue your teeth and lips around the knitting needle. It'll be much easier to control that way.

I have ants all over my house and I hate to use insecticides. Nor do I have time to kill them one by one. What should I do.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by playfuldeb on Sun Jun 03 2012, 23:27

Pour honey all over the floor so they cant crawl away. Go to your exotic pet store and buy an ant eater. Maybe you can even litter train it.

Every day when I leave for work I find unwrapped condoms all over my yard. What am I to do?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sun Jun 03 2012, 23:59

Your rubber tree plant must be infected and you should call the tree doctor. But, be sure to rake them up so the neighborhood kids don't use them for water balloons!

I'm thinking about dumping my 51-year-old boyfriend for a much younger stud. The only problem is that he'll want sex all the time. Oh wait, that's NOT a problem. Never mind...

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 04 2012, 11:45

Invite friends round so you can take it in turns with the sexual activities and then you can have a rest.
(It's that mucky book again isn't it, setting you off?) Coolio

The Silver Fox has sent me 6 pairs of new shoes....but they all
have 6 inch heels and I can't wear them !
What should I do with them ?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Mon Jun 04 2012, 15:06

Well, you know they're called "f*ck me pumps" for a reason. Only wear them to bed, but be sure if you have a waterbed that you know how to swim if you pop a hole it it with the heels and ride out in the wave after you've gotten your "wave". Make happy

Now all my friends are exhausted after helping me out with my young studly! However, I've decided that I want my 51-year-old back, but the problem is, he's gone missing. I need someone to help me find him and help me explain about the smile on my face from the young studly. What should I do to get him back????

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Mon Jun 04 2012, 15:17

Go On Missing Persons TV....
and offer a reward of "Tequila Shots for Life" ??

oopsie sorry mel... lol!

I have to go now...bye for now Hello!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sat Jun 16 2012, 02:16

Melbert, wear your f*ck me pumps and I'm sure he'll assume your smile is in anticipation for what he's about to do, not about your ex-stud. He knows he's lucky you're taking him back.


My problem is that my alcohol tolerance is less than it used to be. When I have too much to drink, I laugh uncontrollably. I only had three drinks, but I can't stop laughing. My sides hurt like something fierce. What can I do to stop laughing or at least to ease the pain?



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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by playfuldeb on Sat Jun 16 2012, 10:37

sniff pepper. That way you'll start sneezing and cant laff. Or if you do both, everyone around you will laff uncontrollably at you and no one will care that you cant stop laffing


Lately when I come home from work, I hear a dog barking inside my apartment as I'm unlocking the door. But when I open the door, my cat is sitting there, alone. Do you think she needs to see a vet?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sat Jun 16 2012, 18:36

Nah, if your cat is barking it'll help deter would-be burglars. But I doubt the problem is with your cat, it's with you. You may be suffering from a form of auditory agnosia. Have you been whacked in the head recently? If you can't remember, a sharp pain or large unicornesque protuberance would be indicators of a traumatic cranial injury. Just drink it off, I'm sure it'll get better on it's own Drink 2


My problem also involves my pets. My rabbit likes to eat my cat's food, and my cat likes to get in the rabbit cage to eat hay. Considering one is a carnivore and one is an herbivore, I figure it's mildly important that they eat the correct diets. I should mention that I have checked my head to make sure that I am not suffering from a head injury myself. All seems to be well in that regard. So, how do I keep my pets from eating each other's food?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 16 2012, 20:12

Move house and get one with many bedrooms. Then the cat and the rabbit can have a room each and their paths need never cross again.
This also applies to any chaps you may have living with you, so enjoy ! Sofa bounce


My problem.
My car is completely covered with Cornish Seagull Shit now and I can't see a thing through the windscreen.
So far I've bumped into 20 cars whilst driving around, one of which was a cop car.
Oh I am in deep doo-dah and need some help getting out of it please.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by playfuldeb on Sat Jun 16 2012, 21:14

wet the car down and then finger paint in the bird doo. It will look like a custom paintjob. Heck you may start a trend. Try sticking your head out the window when you drive and yell "lookout, woman driverr" as you go down the road. Also, tie old tires around the outside of your car so if you bump into anything, it wont do any damage


I got up this morning and found that I only have one shoe of every pair I own. I dont have anymore money to buy shoes and I need to go to church tomorrow. Oh, whatever will I do?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Cinderella on Sat Jun 16 2012, 22:14

Find some old paint and paint your feet to look like FiveFingers Shoes. Not only will you be the talk of town, but everyone will ask you where you bought them.

My problem...
I have three trees on my property that are very old. I just received a letter that oil was found and they would like to drill. What should I do?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun Jun 17 2012, 23:37

Document the old trees with words and photos before using them for custom made furniture to become family heirlooms....then DRILL DRILL DRILL.... and laugh all the way to the bank. The family heirlooms will soon become obsolete then !


In a fit of drunken madness I bought a large yellow cabin cruiser.
As I live nowhere near water and it's too big for my driveway I parked it on a local supermarket car park.

It has now been taken over by 25 squatters, all large Non-English speaking chaps with 6 vicious dogs and no intention of moving off my boat. I've now found a suitable mooring for it on a local canal, but can't get it there due to the squatters.
Help !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Mon Jun 18 2012, 21:05

Joanna,
Round up all the stray kitties from around the neighborhood. While you're waiting for the cat traps to work their magic, make some stink bombs. When you're all ready with the cats, bombs, and truck, release the kitties and the stink! The dogs will chase the cats around the parking lot and the squatters will chase fresh air. During the hoopla, hook up your boat and drive away!


My problem is an over abundance of stale cereal. I love cereal and every time I go to the grocery store, I buy a new box. Unfortunately I get so excited and open it up before I've consumed all the previous boxes. I now have about a dozen boxes of stale cereal, each of a different variety. I'd hate for it to go to waste. What can I do with all the cheerios, bran flakes, cocoa puffs, and fruit loops?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by playfuldeb on Tue Jun 19 2012, 04:16

(mashed up cereal makes excellent coating for fried chicken)

Get out the glue and string and make strands of Christmas tree garlands. After Christmas hang them outside for the neighborhood birdies and when they come to eat you can plink them off with your bb gun and have a free dinner.

I keep accumulating sheets and sheet of large bubbles bubble wrap. My room is half full. Any ideas how I can put them to use?


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Cinderella on Tue Jun 19 2012, 14:27

Place them outside on your front porch under the rug or around your front gate under a layer of small rocks to disguise the bubbles. This will alert you when someone is approaching with the added benefit of getting back the space in your room!

I love to paint but every time I get them out, someone knocks on the door. It never fails! The person at the door will talk to me until I have no time left to paint. I enjoy painting. What should I do?



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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by playfuldeb on Wed Jun 20 2012, 05:13

post a sign on your door tha tsays "Gone Painting" and then dont answer the door. Or really pack up your supplies and go painting somewhere private

I ordered new contacts with a finders tint on them, but when they arrived they were neon pink. I desparately need them to see, so should I go ahead and wear them?


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Wed Jun 20 2012, 16:03

Oh yes wear them playful and have a photo taken then sell it
as an advert against drinking hard liquor LOL


My problem ?
I'm having too much fun in my life and it's causing extreme jealousy from all the people who know about it, including family, friends, neighbours and shopkeepers.

So now they won't have anything to do with me and
have told the shopkeepers not to serve me with any goods.
I need food and goods from somewhere quick.
Help !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Cinderella on Wed Jun 20 2012, 16:41

Make a recording of yourself asking the shopkeeper questions. Call the shopkeeper... while you have him on the phone, use the recording to keep him occupied. Run to the store and gather all the things you need. Make sure to leave the appropriate funds on the counter with the list of items. He will never know it was you who took them and enjoy!

My problem:
The river boat I purchased was advertised for long voyages. Well... I started planning a trip to Venice but realized the gas I need would not fit in the boat. What should I do?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Thu Jun 21 2012, 00:09

Buy a small rubber dingy and load it with all the fuel etc etc
needed for a long sea voyage and tow it behind your river boat.
Don't forget to light it up at night !


I followed your bad advice Cinders, but was caught on the shop's CCTV and arrested for fraud, robbery and animal cruelty.
( I tripped over the shop cat and caused it to jump into a pile of bottles of Vodka, which smashed and the cat lapped & lapped
& lapped and got very drunk ! )

So now I'm in a solitary cell in the local nick, still with no food !
Help, thrice Help !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sat Jun 23 2012, 01:05

Joanna, no worries, just leave it to me, I'll get you out of jail. While I may not be a lawyer, I'm excellent in the powers of persuasion. If you left the appropriate funds as Cinderella suggested, you are in no way guilty of robbery or fraud. Also, it's not like you forced the cat to drink alcohol. It's owners were negligent in teaching it "just say no". They should be arrested, not you!


I followed playfuldeb's awesome cereal advice and somehow found myself in a bit of a pickle. First, I must say robin lathered in a delicious orange sauce, is well...delicious. Anyways, it seems that I was a tad overindulgent in the glue usage and ended up a bit on the stoned side (remember how I can't hold my alcohol, well, apparently I can't hold my glue either). Earlier this evening I was playing a real life version of duck hunt (without the ducks)and I shot out my next door neighbor's prized inflatable life sized donkey with one of my homemade arrows. I vaguely remember him saying that it was signed by Jimmy Hendrix and that it was worth a lot of money. Since my arrows are made with feathers of my own special breed of neon green turkey, they're easily identifiable. The arrow is sticking through the dot on Jimmy's "i". My neighbor recently installed an electric fence, so I can't retrieve my arrow without electrifying myself, what do I do?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun Jun 24 2012, 23:37

Offer him your glue and your body for the night ?
In true Jimmy's style ?
Then maybe he'll forgive...he'll certainly forget if you obtain the strongest glue you can find LOL
And from now on, saving your bows and arrows for playing
Cowboys & Indians with the local riff raff may be a good idea ?


I don't have a problem at present, apart from getting over our England Footy team being put out of the Euro 2012 Tournament, on penalties, again. Oh dear.
BTW congrats to our Italian friends here...shucks.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Thu Jun 28 2012, 00:25

I've now got a problem.

My finger nails have gown 12 inches in two weeks and I can no longer type on the keyboard of my Mac and I have to use my nose.
It's causing so much trouble to my nose that it's now got a big dent in the end of it from punching the laptop keys so often.
Children in the town are pointing at me and laughing at
my dented nose.
Help ! ?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Thu Jun 28 2012, 02:20

Hey Joanna, why don't you use your toes instead of your nose? Let your nose undent so the bratty little rugrats don't laugh at you anymore. But, be sure your toenails haven't grown those 12 inches. If they have, you'd have another foot!!! hahahaha 12" = 1 foot!!! sometimes I crack myself up!!

Now, I've got a new problem myself. Everytime I laugh, I fart. Reading here, laughing 100 x a day, I'm farting all the time. My apartment is beginning to smell like a cow farm. And, at work, OMFE!!!! The special people I get to work with every day keep me in stitches, so my giggle farts are causing quite the problem in my office. What am I to do?



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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Fri Jun 29 2012, 11:14

Open the windows and stop eating baked beans immediately.
Become a serious introspective pessimistic grumpy person, refusing to see the funny side of life and no more farting will occur.
OH....but what a boring boring life that would be, both for you and us.
SO ignore my advice, cos it's crap and Keep Laughing...
with all the windows open !


I have 5 mini problems and don't know whether to deal with them in alphabetical order, in numerical order, in order of seriousness or in order of hilarity. Should I toss a coin ? If so which denomination makes the best tosser ?

oopsie

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sat Jun 30 2012, 09:53

It's nearly 3 a.m. here, and I think I've awakened my neighbors with my giggling and farting with your post Joanna! Thank you!!!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 30 2012, 10:30

Oh dear mel....have my night owling habits rubbed off
on you then ? lol!

Be afraid...be very afraid hidingbehindsofa

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sat Jun 30 2012, 11:35

I got an hour and half sleep, does that count?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 30 2012, 16:35

Not really....I go to bed really late but get a good 5-6 hours deep sleep, which is fine for me.

Sorry you had a bad sleep pattern Give Flowers

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sat Jun 30 2012, 17:40

Joanna wrote:I have 5 mini problems and don't know whether to deal with them in alphabetical order, in numerical order, in order of seriousness or in order of hilarity. Should I toss a coin ? If so which denomination makes the best tosser ?

oopsie
OK, back to your problem!!
Firstly, you must number them from most serious to most hilarity.
Secondly, you must make subheadings in alphabetical order from most serious to most hilarity.
Thirdly, save all your coins and place them in denomination order first and then in alphabetical order.
Fourthly, let the tosser fend for himself!!!

Now, my problem is that I'm so tired that I keep falling asleep at my keyboard and find that I've sent prank e-mails to President Obama. What do I do if the Secret Service track me down?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sat Jun 30 2012, 18:04

Give in gracefully....plead the 5th amendment...whatever that is....
and have free board and lodgings for a while courtesy of the tax payers. A freebie holiday just like.....some other people.

Oh.... and ask for a mixed penitentiary.....just for kicks !
Then write your memoirs and make a shed load from the experience.


i have a problem with a little yellow duck that insists on living in my bath and gets very upset when I step into it for a shower.
SO I haven't had one for 6 weeks now....
I don't like to upset the little vicious varmint.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Thu Jul 05 2012, 11:33

Help needed please !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Thu Jul 05 2012, 19:42

OK, so I had to consult with my little yellow duck exterminator and he advised NOT getting rid of the ducky. If you let it go out the door, it will return with all the other little yellow ducks from the neighborhood and they can be a vicious bunch of quackers!!! He advised that you build another bathroom to house your shower, but you must do it quickly as your neighbors are starting to complain about the odd smell coming from your house.

I have a very serious problem. I want to learn a new language, but I am having a very difficult time choosing one as they all talk funny and I can't understand them. How can I choose if I don't understand what they're saying? They could be saying bad things to me and if I learn those words, then I would be saying bad things to other people. I'm too nice a person to do that!!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Thu Jul 05 2012, 20:44

Not what we've heard....

oopsie did I really write that ?
Phew, where am I ?
I had a blackout....oh my poor head...

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Tue Jul 17 2012, 13:02

"We apologise for the delay in answering your call.
Your call IS important to us and we will be with you shortly"


By now mel you've probably learned all the words you need to know in your new language and will be discovering many exciting new experiences with them... Enjoy !


My problem....
Not enough hours in the day, or night to pursue my new hobby
of posting pictures onto a George Clooney Forum.
How do I slow time down ?



...and where's caudata got to lately ??


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

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