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The Bad Advice Game

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The Bad Advice Game

Post by Admin on Wed Jan 05 2011, 14:27

So, it's the 5th January already and I'm so over this whole new year's resolutions bit. What I need is something silly. Something pointless. Something just a teensy weensy bit anti-good behaviour.

Who's with me? I want to start a game called the 'bad advice game' and it's as simple as it sounds. One person posts a problem* and the next person posts the worst possible advice to "solve" this problem. The second person then posts their own problem and waits for someone else to give bad advice. Each player gives bad advice to the problem of the player before them and then posts their own problem. And so on and so forth.

Simple enough? Then let's play:

My problem: I'm afraid of people from Cuba. Please advise me how to get over this terrible phobia.

-----------------------------------
*I suggest you invent your problem unless you have a very robust sense of humour that can handle bad advice applied to a real situation.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by it's me on Wed Jan 05 2011, 16:07

uuuuuhhhhhhhh!

huge temptation to say something NASTY NASTY NASTY about our G Twisted Evil

BUT
beforehand I have to say nasty thing @ Cuba people... and dunno what!

Question

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by PigLove on Wed Jan 05 2011, 16:54

Solution: Watch the entire run of "I Love Lucy." Desi Arnaz will quickly convince you that Cubans are not scary at all, though they tend to make bad marriage decisions.

BabaLOOOOOOO!!!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by it's me on Wed Jan 05 2011, 20:48

thanks PL
then
how can G find the WORST way to divert the attention from.... something he wants to hide?

no
wait
not so nasty
let me eat something, before Razz

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Katiedot on Thu Jan 06 2011, 02:04

Thanks for playing, PigLove. Now, what's your 'problem' that you need bad advice about?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by bunny on Thu Jan 06 2011, 02:10

Ok - here is question.

My boss is nuts - she ignores most of the staff and intimidates all those around her. I do I get through the next 4 weeks until I transfer to a new better position.

(the new position is like my dream job. the boss hates me even more for this.)

All bad advise will be used to the fullest!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Thu Jan 06 2011, 03:13

Bunny -
Kill her with kindness! Tell her everyday what a pleasure it's been to work with her. Then on your last day (congrats on the new job!!!!), tell her how much you hated working for her and that she's a pig!

I need advice on how to get out of the house!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Katiedot on Thu Jan 06 2011, 04:24

Bunny - my bad advice is that you clearly need to kill your boss. The best way to achieve this is by poisonous frog. You need to travel to the Amazon, collect your highly poisonous frog and then hide it somewhere on your boss's desk where she'll touch it (I suggest taping said frog to her telephone handset).

Melbert - my bad advice to you is to start stockpiling cookie-selling girl scouts, Jehova's witnesses and other unwanted callers to your door. When you have enough, rope them together and get them pull you on your golden sleigh (you've got a golden sleigh, right?) to where you want to go.

My problem: I just can't get my hair to curl the way I want it to.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by LornaDoone on Thu Jan 06 2011, 04:29

Katiedot - if you can't curl your hair the way you want I suggest you shave your head then draw curls on your scalp with a very dark marker. No one will be the wiser. They'll think you're just working a "do" ala Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday. (And please don't say who? and what?)!!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by bunny on Thu Jan 06 2011, 23:54

Great advice Katiedot -

About your hair - Kim from the real housewives of Atlanta has a new wig line out.....

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by sisieq on Fri Jan 07 2011, 00:10

Katie - hair - get the thin ribbon for wrapping, the kind you use a pair of scissors to make it curl. Since it comes in different colors you can change with your outfits. However, to do that you would need to make some type of mold of your head for each color and this will allow you to staple for long time use. Also, you can make different hair lengths, too.

My problem: I forgot to send out Christmas cards. Don't anyone say "skip it until next year". Looking for some creative "good" advice.

QUESTION: if someone comes up with really "good" advice for a prior problem further up thread, can we quote and still give it even though someone already has?

OOPS!! I think I've already done my question. So sorry LD, I totally forgot you answered. Shocked


Last edited by sisieq on Fri Jan 07 2011, 00:12; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Added last paragraph)

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Katiedot on Fri Jan 07 2011, 02:25

Hi Sisi

To answer your Christmas card conundrum (hey, alliteration!), my bad advice solution is to tell everyone that you have a horrific allergy to paper and glitter and pictures of robins in the snow and therefore you were medically unfit to send cards.

[Serious advice is to give money to charity and tell everyone you dontated the cost of your cards and postage to said charity]

I think people can answer more than one problem if they have a fun answer!!

Umm, my problem: I don't like the view out of my office window.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Fri Jan 07 2011, 03:02

Katie, you need to put a mural over your window, say, um, your avatar!!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Lighterside on Fri Jan 07 2011, 14:48

Katie, see if you can project your emoticons onto the window and change it to suit your mood.

My problem is my life is "soooo purfect" that I don't have anything to complain about. affraid

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Katiedot on Tue Jan 11 2011, 16:17

Lighter, well in that case, the obvious solution is to start creating problems for yourself because as we know, perfection isn't possible without imperfection. So, first thing tomorrow you need to steal a giraffe from your local zoo.

My problem is that I really wanted to be captain Kirk when I grew up and it seems that this isn't going to happen. What do I do???

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by PigLove on Tue Jan 11 2011, 16:43

Katiedot, clearly you simply need to change your middle name to "Tiberius" and "Shatnerize" your speech by adding random pauses and emphases to your statements. So you'd say . . .

My . . . PROBLEM is that I really . . . wanted to BE captain KIRK when I grew . . . UP and it . . . seems that this ISN'T. . . going to happen. What. . . do I. . . DO?

My problem is that a man-eating tiger won't let me get my work done this morning. I've tried reasoning with it. I've even tried my Shatner impression. Nothing works. Help!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Lighterside on Tue Jan 11 2011, 17:31

@ PigLove OMG! That was perfect! LMAO funny too! I could "hear" him...can't do better than that response so I'll defer to your genius! Thumbs up!

re: Tiger problems...Get Tony the Tiger to lay off the Frosted Flakes and send him out to play with a bat and a ball and don't forget to throw 50 lbs. of red meat out the door, while you're at it.

@ Katie...my local zoo is currently under snow and they put the animals in their permanent winter shelters (how inconvenient for me!) so I'll have to find an alternative but perfection is SO OVERRATED! coffee is not enough

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by it's me on Tue Jan 11 2011, 22:17

to steal a giraffe?
I lost a piece.... scratch

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sat May 12 2012, 18:27

Lighterside...to change your perfect life, give all your worldly goods away and live in your car, preferably in the winter months.



HELP.....
My problem is that I can't get my fairy cup cakes to rise and I have Prince Charles coming for afternoon tea next week and I've been instructed by M15 that I'll be imprisoned in the Tower of London if he has none to eat with his Earl Grey Tea.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sat May 12 2012, 20:19

Joanna,

Hire some cheap-labour fairies to collect the natural form of sodium bicarbonate from a spring. That should help your cupcakes rise AND you can call them "all natural"! If that fails, serve him coffee, they only said you'd be imprisoned if he had none to eat with his tea.



My problem is that my pet flea has absolutely no talents whatsoever and yet he has enrolled himself into the flea circus. What do I do, is there something quick and easy I can teach him? I don't want him to embarrass himself (or me for that matter).


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Missa on Sat May 12 2012, 22:07

Easy, teach him to drive the clown car. Hopefully it's not a stick shift, that could take longer.

Problem: My Venus flytrap, Ronaldo, has grown considerably larger than expected and is eating me out of house and home. I can't get close enough to just pick him up and throw him out; last time I tried I spent several days head first in his mouth, until he sneezed and set me free. Any ideas?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 00:16

Call Ethan Hunt and IMF Team and get them to do a stake
out in your home where they will await an opportunity to blast Ronaldo to Kingdom Come and Back.
One snag...the explosion wil be so big you won't have a home any more...but hey...what's House Insurance for ?

My problem: 9 individual socks have gone missing from
the tumble dryer and there are 9 lonely socks in the sock drawer crying night & day.
Help needed please !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by it's me on Sun May 13 2012, 00:25

buy another 9 new pairs (same colour, lenght etc...)
to get again the 9 couple! Yahooooo



needed for 20 eggs
forget to stop for grocery
and it's closed all over

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Missa on Sun May 13 2012, 00:40

Visit a neighbor. While your host/hostess is distracted, quietly open their refrigerator and slip one egg into your pocket/purse. Take only one, otherwise they may become suspicious. Repeat nineteen times.

Speaking of neighbors, mine constantly steals my Oprah magazine each month. I've tried reasoning with him, asking him to stop, and even presented him with photographic evidence of him stealing the magazine via a security camera I have installed above my door. Still he continues to take what doesn't belong to him. Without involving the police, how should I handle this?


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 00:56

Tell him all your photographic evidence will in be sent to his Father/Brother/All male members of his family/Fellow Members of his Sports Club/Boss and downloaded onto youtube, quoting his real name, age and occupation.
What man wants to seen reading Oprah ??

My problem: It's late and I have to go to bed but my dog will not come in from the garden and I can't shout for her as all neighbours are in bed.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sun May 13 2012, 01:04

Make a giant plate of bacon, since according to that beggin strips commercial, all dogs love bacon. Your dog, along with all of your neighbour's dogs will come running!




I have a mysterious problem with giant pill bugs/roly polys/sowbugs roaming my ceiling above my bed. I fear that one night, they'll fall into my mouth while I'm snoring and I'll choke to death.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sun May 13 2012, 01:14

No need to worry. When they fall into your mouth, they will join all the spiders that crawl in your mouth every night while you sleep. They will get caught up in the spiderwebs and you will poop them out tomorrow!!!

My big problem is that I cannot seem to make people understand that I am the queen. They laugh at me and scoff me and make me write bad checks.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sun May 13 2012, 01:39

melbert wrote:No need to worry. When they fall into your mouth, they will join all the spiders that crawl in your mouth every night while you sleep. They will get caught up in the spiderwebs and you will poop them out tomorrow!!!

Hahahaha! That was pretty freaking funny!


Since you're the queen, it's impossible to write a bad check, you have access to all the country's money after all. But, perhaps you should pay them in pennies, pennies with your face on them. It'll sink in after counting thousands of them.


My problem is now I have pillbugs and spiders in my mouth and poop. Won't all the spiderwebs clog up my intestines?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by LornaDoone on Sun May 13 2012, 04:08

I don't know about you but too many of these supposed "bad advices" are pretty good! Like the bacon to bring in the dog and threatening to post the videos of the Oprah mag stealing guy - those seem reasonable to me! Of course, I am that twisted! HA!

Caudata - to get rid of spiderwebs in your intestines, just swallow a couple of [pairs of mini scissors, wait about an hour and then start jumping up and down.



My problem is I've become like a freakin zombie with absolutely NO willpower every time the ice cream truck comes down the street. I mean I hear tinky, tinky, tinky and I get up (in whatever state of dress or undress I find myself) and pick up my money and run out before the truck can pass! I need an intervention of some sort! Help!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 11:06

Bribe someone to phone 911 reporting a half nekkid women rushing around the neighbourhood and frightening all the children from
buying ice cream.
Then your subsequent arrest, appearance in court, picture on local TV and in the press will put you off ice cream forever. Result !


My problem: since learning from melbert (thank you very much!!)
that I swallow spiders every night whilst asleep in bed....I am too scared to go to bed. So...I sit up all night, playing games on OH, listening to music and eating biscuits and drinking coffee.

I am now the size of a house and cannot get into any of my clothes.
Help !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sun May 13 2012, 16:28

First, spray spider retardant all around your bed and gargle with it just prior to laying down. This will prevent spiders from visiting your mouth every night AND will quickly allow you to drop the extra weight as everything tastes like spider spray!


My newest problem is that I have been offered 17 different jobs from laundry lady to grocery shopper to belle of the ball to back seat driver, and I just don't know which one to take.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 18:27

Two ideas come to mind...

Number one....
Over the next 17 days, do each job for one day, give it your full
focus and 100% commitment.
Keep a log of all the
pros & cons of that day's job, give it marks out of 10 under various categories.....
ie. ease of work, how many coffee breaks allowed, how long given for lunch, how many dishy males are available to chat up,
how many perks are available, how tired were you when
you got home ?
Choose the job accordingly.

Number two
Just go for the one that pays the most money for the least
amount of hours !
....and good luck in your new job !


My problem...

I have 20 squatters living in the loft in my house, which helps with the insulation of the property through their body warmth.
No matter how much I try to persuade them to keep the loft tidy
it's fast beginning to look like a hoard of teenage students live there and their rubbish is now dropping through the loft hatch into the main part of the house, which I abhor.
What can I do about this appalling problem ?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sun May 13 2012, 20:42

Hmmm, threaten to kill one of the squalid squatters the next time something falls through the hatch. If their rubbish invades again, actually kill one of them. That'll straighten them out in a hurry. Or they'll run away and you'll have a drafty house.



My problem is that a colony of ants keep forming their nest in the crack above the door so that every time I open it, they fall, eggs and all, on my head. I'm very allergic to ants so this is quite problematic and a bit unnerving. I have small pets so I'd rather not use pesticide, really I just want them to live elsewhere. Every time I try to seal the crack, they attack. What should I do?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 21:16

caudata....
Always wear a crash helmet when walking anywhere
near your crack.... oopsie
Boiling water usually works well in destroying little critters
and there's no dangerous chemicals to upset your lovely pets.

Thanks for your effective advice, it worked wonders. I now have a nearly empty loft.
But....
I now have another problem....how to get rid of a rather obnoxious smell on the landing of rotting meat.... together with millions of flies !

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sun May 13 2012, 21:37

Joanna, Febreze can make any room smell fresh, I'm sure it can deal with a score of rotting corpses. As for getting rid of the meat and flies, I'll happily lend you some of my ants ( a couple survived the boiling water) and I'm sure Missa will lend you Ronaldo, the Venus fly trap. Unless he's been blown up already...


I've followed some of the advice on this thread and now have two major problems. First, I have severe burns from throwing boiling water at the crack above the door. Second, the mini scissors did a great job of getting rid of the spiderwebs in my intestines, but now I have a severe stomach ache. Also, I've been passing blood. Any thoughts on remedies?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 21:47

LOL! lol! lol! LOL!

None whatsoever...too busy laffin !!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 21:49

I think we need a friendly publisher quick !
We could make shed loads don't you think ?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Sun May 13 2012, 22:12

We better find one quick, before I bleed to death!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by melbert on Sun May 13 2012, 22:30

My problem is that I have NO MORE Depends and you guys are cracking me up so much I'm about to flood out my apartment. The guys downstairs are none too happy!!!!

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Sun May 13 2012, 22:38

Ask if they have a bucket.... without a hole in it ?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Mon May 14 2012, 02:43

If they only have a bucket with a hole in it, you can patch it with spider silk (since we all apparently have plenty of that). Spider silk is incredibly strong with should withstand high pressure squirting events.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Mon May 14 2012, 12:25

"We must apologies to clients of our Advice Bureau
for it's recent closure. This was for reasons's beyond our control.
We are happy to announce that
Normal Service Has Now Been Resumed"

Advice Centre now has a New Motto...

"Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here"

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Mon May 14 2012, 15:07

Joanna wrote:
"Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here"
Thumbs up!
Advice for the hopeless.

I borrowed your fairies Joanna, and found that sodium bicarbonate heals all wounds. The only problem though, is that it seems to have reacted with my balsamic vinegar salad dressing and I now puke up large amounts of foam. Vomit 1 Basically, I've become a foam-making machine and it's starting to take over my apartment. Any thoughts on what I should do with all this foam?




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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Mon May 14 2012, 16:55

Sell it quickly.... before it goes flat.... to the producers
of TV's Wipeout !
Failing that, use it for doing your laundry and save money on
washing powder.

There is a nest of baby Ospreys living in the engine my car and
I can't use it.
I've got to drive a round trip of 300 miles soon to visit my very wealthy aunt.
I'm her only relative and it's imperative for me to keep contact with her.....not for her money you understand....oh no... Lies
Oh how did that smilie get in on the act ???

What can I do ???

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by noodle on Mon May 14 2012, 17:21

Joanna you should hire a professional thief to obtain your aunt's credit card. After you pay him with the card you should use it to buy a new car so you won't miss that special visit with your aunt. I'm sure she'll understand and not think twice about the fact that you stole her card.

My problem is Oscar the Grouch has taken up residence in my trash can. How do I get him to leave before the trash truck arrives? I don't want to be responsible for his death by trash truck.

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Mon May 14 2012, 18:04

There's a song by Oscar called "I love trash", perhaps you can sing it to him ( I'd sing it loudly so that he can hear you inside the trash can) and get him to come out and sing a duet with you. The song should last just long enough for the trash to be picked up without the unfortunate mess of crushing Oscar.



My problem is with Donald Duck. He has taken up residence in my backyard pond and keeps eating all the frogs and salamanders. I like Donald and don't want to have to kick his feathery butt out, so what should I do to keep him from eating all my amphibians?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Joanna on Mon May 14 2012, 19:23

Use "duck" tape on his bill so he can't eat ?

Or bring all the little pond critters indoors to live with you, in the bath tub while you fatten up Donald Duck with bread & buns. Then sacrifice him for your Thanksgiving Dinner and then all the little critters can go back to the pond.



Noisy children have become a nuisance playing football on a patch of green land near
a friend's house, despite there being 3 football pitches 5 minutes walk away in a lovely park Polite requests to cease this activity have been met with abuse from the parents of said children.
What to do ??

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Mon May 14 2012, 19:48

Joanna wrote:Use duck tape on his bill so he can't eat ?

Ha ha! Oh geez Rolling Eyes Why didn't I think of that, duck tape on a duck? 10 out of 10

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by caudata on Mon May 14 2012, 19:56

You could practice your game of lawn darts while the children play football. I don't mean try to hit the children (we at COH don't advocate that kind of solution), but try to hit their football. Losing enough balls will surely get them to play elsewhere.


I followed your earlier suggestion about fattening up and then eating Donald for Thanksgiving. Taping his bill just seemed unethical. But now, I have a whole host of Disney characters protesting outside my door. Daisy and his nephews are particularly troublesome and have taken to pooping all over my car. Their poop hardens such that I can't open the door. What do I do about this cartoon mob?

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Re: The Bad Advice Game

Post by Katiedot on Tue May 15 2012, 01:31

I think you need to set the Ospreys on them, Joanna!

My problem is an embarrassing one and I hope you can treat this with sympathy. For some reason I've lost the ability to pronounce the letter 'w'. If I try to say it, it comes out like a 'q' instead. Qhat do I do?


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Re: The Bad Advice Game

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