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MAY Chit Chat

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MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 13:29

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window
and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a
brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 13:39

May Day Tradition in Padstow, Cornwall, UK

Much alcohol is involved... all day long
.....and well into the night too !
Drink 2 Drink 3 Drink 2



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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 13:59

A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,
took him behind a tree, and told him,
"I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying,
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide
on the North side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked,
and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath
the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said,

"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 14:15

An Air Force chief master sergeant and
a general were sitting in the barbershop.

They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave
to slap on their faces.

The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me!
My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The sergeant turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on me.
My wife doesn't know what the inside of
a whorehouse smells like."

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Tue May 01 2012, 14:55

I hope the picture posts....


We start every day with
something to be
thankful for...
https://servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=14&u=17378917
Today ...... We are thankful
that the photographer was NOT
standing on the other side !
Have a great day!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue May 01 2012, 15:27

Oh jeez, Lakin I was eating breakfast and just lost my appetite. Thanks (I think) for the picture. LOL

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Tue May 01 2012, 15:34

cindigirl wrote:Oh jeez, Lakin I was eating breakfast and just lost my appetite. Thanks (I think) for the picture. LOL

oopsie Sorry cindigirl! lol!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by MyGirlKylie on Tue May 01 2012, 16:42

LMAO @ the picture!

My God, can you believe its May already? Almost G's birthday, what are we gonna get him? Besides us. LOL

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lighterside on Tue May 01 2012, 16:52

This story takes "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" to a whole new level! Eeek!

Dentist pulls out all of her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after split:

If you're planning a trip to the dentist, it might not be the wisest decision to make your appointment with the person with whom you just broke up.

A Polish woman is facing three years in prison after she removed all of her ex-boyfriend's teeth during dental surgery just days after their breakup.

"I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," Anna Mackowiak, 34, told the Austrian Times. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a bastard' and decided to take all his teeth out."

Marek Olszewski, 45, reportedly showed up at Mackowiak's dental office complaining of toothache just days after he broke up with her. She then allegedly gave him a "heavy dose" of anesthetic, locked the door and began removing all of his teeth one at a time.

"I knew something was wrong because when I woke up I couldn't feel any teeth and my jaw was strapped up with bandages," Olszewski said.

"She told me my mouth was numb and I wouldn't be able to feel anything for a while and that the bandage was there to protect the gums, but that I would need to see a specialist," he said.

"I didn't have any reason to doubt her, I mean I thought she was a professional."

Adding to his trauma, Olszewski said his new girlfriend has already left him over his now toothless appearance.

"And I'm going to have to pay a fortune on getting indents or something," he said.

Mackowiak is currently being investigated for medical malpractice.

Link

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Atalante on Tue May 01 2012, 17:21

I'd do that too, ..., it's FUN ! Gunslinger

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 18:25

Irish Road Accident


Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding
from his nose and ears and I tink
both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... And after a minute.

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later..

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me.
Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat....

I couldn’t spell eucalyptus,
so I just dragged him round
to number 3 Oak Street.'



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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Atalante on Tue May 01 2012, 18:37

geek

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue May 01 2012, 18:38

Luv your joke Joanna - maybe Paddy is a blonde? LOL

BTW you were asking about my bee situation yesterday. Well I went grocery shopping today, opened my trunk and he was there nestled in a plastic bag. Didn't want to move but I banged the bag against a tree and he flew away, none the worse for wear. LOL

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Tue May 01 2012, 18:39

LOLOL Good one, Joanna! My peeps at work are really enjoying the COH jokes today! Thumbs up!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 19:06

Hey Lakin

Why didn't I see you on the beach in Cornwall
when I was there in March ?
confused affraid


BTW thanks for catching my best side Thumbs up!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 19:08

cindigirl wrote:Luv your joke Joanna - maybe Paddy is a blonde? LOL

BTW you were asking about my bee situation yesterday. Well I went grocery shopping today, opened my trunk and he was there nestled in a plastic bag. Didn't want to move but I banged the bag against a tree and he flew away, none the worse for wear. LOL


Oh that's good...he'd be hungry poor little fella.
Has he left any babies ?

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue May 01 2012, 19:12

No babies, probably too weary from hunger to multiply. lol


Last edited by cindigirl on Tue May 01 2012, 20:22; edited 1 time in total

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue May 01 2012, 19:16

I LOVE your boyfriend dentist joke Lighter. It serves him right. Goes to show you 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.'

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Tue May 01 2012, 19:21

My mate has been busy today sending me his jokes



A very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her “Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.
No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.
"Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley"

“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London .."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex,
the couple paused for breath.
.....and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue May 01 2012, 19:51

Looks like a grandpa sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. LOL


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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by MyGirlKylie on Tue May 01 2012, 20:18

Lmao @ the frog.

Love the Paddy jokes, Joanna.

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 02 2012, 00:06


Would You marry Again? - Priceless


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not?
Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of
course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why
wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:"Okay,
okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You
would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:(makes
audible groan)

WIFE: "Would
you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:"Sure,
it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would
you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:"Where
else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would
you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would
you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:"That
would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would
you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm
sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would
you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes,
those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would
she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No,
she's left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence --

HUSBAND:
"shit."

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 02 2012, 00:11

Bless the Australians and their sense of humor.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humor (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching
them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA)

A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-ica, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 02 2012, 00:11

LOLOLOL Clever joke with husband and new wife! Loved it, pattygirl! Still LOLOLOL!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Michelle meyers on Wed May 02 2012, 00:49

LOLOLOLOL

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lighterside on Wed May 02 2012, 01:01

cindigirl wrote:I LOVE your boyfriend dentist joke Lighter. It serves him right. Goes to show you 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.'

Cindi believe it or not that was a real news story! Truth is stranger than fiction sometimes. LOL

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 11:54

Postman Pat's Last Day:


It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him
and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of
15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.
As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a pound coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said,
'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should
do something special for you'.
'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said,
'The breakfast was my idea.'




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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 02 2012, 12:06

LOL Good morning, Joanna! Hello!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 12:24

lol! pattygirl Coolio


Hi Lakin Oi, you!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 02 2012, 12:31

HOW CHILDREN PERCEIVE THEIR GRANDPARENTS
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 12:43

Sofa bounce Coolio Lakin !

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 12:45

Prayer for Grandpa

"Dear God, please send clothes
To all those poor ladies on
Grandpa's computer.

Amen."

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by it's me on Wed May 02 2012, 12:50

https://servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=14&u=17378917


I find that so sweet! we also need to know how we will be
if God will let us to Smile

and they love I love you love
one another! Love4

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by it's me on Wed May 02 2012, 13:12

ohhhhhhh
ALL BEAUTIFUL JOKES! LOL! thanks!! Hug1

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 13:18

A Smile a Day Keeps the Blues Away Sofa bounce

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 13:31

Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Wed May 02 2012, 14:49

Thanks for all the great jokes today. I laughed my a** off.

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by MyGirlKylie on Wed May 02 2012, 15:03

Joanna wrote:Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Its a good thing my screen needed to be cleaned because it has water all over it now!
LOL!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by pattygirl on Wed May 02 2012, 15:06

Haven't you girls learned yet - NO DRINKING OR EATING - while engaged in COH viewing or posting. It's hazardous for the health of your computers and keyboards. Really now!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 15:34

Yes Mom...BUT.....

....it's all that melbert's fault cos she started the habit... Beaten
and we all followed like sheep headbang

Joanna
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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by macs on Wed May 02 2012, 16:02

Joanna wrote:Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Laughing nice ones
oh you also got a new avatar, George in purple ! how dary !

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 16:04

My Favourite Colour !

All my own work too

Joanna
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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by macs on Wed May 02 2012, 16:11

Joanna wrote:My Favourite Colour !

All my own work too

bravo ! i did guess it was your own since we don't generally see that colour on G., but good pick, and good work. I like it precisely because it is original

I guess we shoud have a warning emoticon to post in the beginning of certain message so as to avoid certain damages to computer (I sometimes check the site at work, so it would save me a lot of trouble...)

macs
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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Wed May 02 2012, 16:54

WOTTAGUDIDEA macs

....A Spit Alert ????? Vomit 2

Joanna
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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by MyGirlKylie on Wed May 02 2012, 17:17

Joanna wrote:My Favourite Colour !

A girl after my own heart. Purple is my fave too. Actually its a toss up between purple and white.

Drink 3

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Lakin460 on Wed May 02 2012, 22:34

A Puppy Lullaby

http://youtu.be/jCnAjel02lM

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by cindigirl on Wed May 02 2012, 22:59

That's adorable - all the puppies cuddling together for warmth.

Thanks Lakin.

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by melbert on Thu May 03 2012, 01:55

Joanna wrote:Yes Mom...BUT.....

....it's all that melbert's fault cos she started the habit... Beaten
and we all followed like sheep headbang
AND, I have to wear Depends when I'm reading COH too! I've got quite the set-up! Plastic cover on keyboard, cover on screen, plastic tablecloth and DEPENDS!!!! C'mon little lambs!! I won't lead you astray!!!!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by amuserato on Thu May 03 2012, 02:55

whispering to newbies here:
Psst... don't believe Melbert! Don't do it! She WILL lead you astray
(but, of course, if she pipes? Follow. It will be the the most fun way!)

Chased Hoorah!

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Re: MAY Chit Chat

Post by Joanna on Thu May 03 2012, 11:51

....and don't forget your wee pads !

Joanna
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Re: MAY Chit Chat

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