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March general chit chat

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 17:34


Just got this from a mate....



On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on.

She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married'

She said, 'Yes, that's right.
Do you remember what you said to me
that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear',
I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and shag your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'So now it's fifty years later,
and I'm in the same negligee.
What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said;
'Mission Accomplished’.


oopsie

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by it's me on Mon Mar 05 2012, 17:43

poisson davril Beaten Censored Do battle

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Mon Mar 05 2012, 17:58

ROFL at the joke Joanna. Laughing

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by MyGirlKylie on Mon Mar 05 2012, 20:58

Bwahahaha, that joke, Joanna. ROTFL

Love the new pic, Melbert. Hubba Hubba. super cool

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:16

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something
like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:28

3 guys go for dinner, each buys a $10 steak.

At the end of the meal, they collect $30 between the three of them to cover the cost of the meals and gives it to the waitress.

She goes back to the cash register, where the overlooking manager says "Those dinners are discounted, you need to give them $5 back."

So the waitress gets the five dollars, and returns to the table.
Not knowing how to split $5 between the three of them, she gives 1 dollar to each of the three patrons, and kept two for herself.

Now if you do the math, together they paid $30, got $3 back meaning they only paid $27.
The waitress kept $2. This totals $29.

Where did the last dollar go?

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:34

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds
a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck."
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me
if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Vi on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:37

they've paid $ 25

got back $ 3 = $ 28

and the waitress kept $ 2


okay - I'm NOT Einstein

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:39

The prison break joke made me laugh out loud Joanna.

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Vi on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:41

me2

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:46

Dentist Visit

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered,
"No gas or needles or any of that stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,"
said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife.....

"Show him, honey."

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:47

Clever girl Vi Thumbs up!

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:50

Comments from Dr's Patients

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients, made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man
has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that
my head is not, in fact, up there?"

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:54

It's nice some people can have a sense of humor about that dastardly procedure. AARGH Funny Joanna.

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 21:55

A Mother at 65!

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman
has a baby.
All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member
of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says
"not yet."
A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says "not yet."
Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says,
"Because I forgot where I put it."

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Mon Mar 05 2012, 22:08

Actual Medical Charts

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued
all the way to Los Angeles.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative
except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined,
X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection.
However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed
with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Dexterdidit on Mon Mar 05 2012, 23:27

I'm going to say one of those lines next time I have a colonoscopy! LOL My Dr loves a good joke. Keep the jokes coming very funny!

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by melbert on Tue Mar 06 2012, 03:10

Great giggles for a crappy day! A great big thanks for making me LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Tue Mar 06 2012, 17:50

You've got to Love the Irish !



Paddy calls Easyjet (a cheap airline) to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home".
So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says
"I wonder how the girls are getting on"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
"You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service
for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found
on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said
"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks
"What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.
Let's see how they like it!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all
his cows have Bluetongue.

"Crikey !" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"


------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- -------


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery..
Mick say "Hey Paddy! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"











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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue Mar 06 2012, 18:11

ROFL Joanna.

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by pattygirl on Tue Mar 06 2012, 20:24

Quotes from Groucho Marx

"Women should be obscene and not heard!"

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999
follow women”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.”

“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that
for him.”

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Tue Mar 06 2012, 20:50

Our poor old English language.....


Maybe old....but still hilarious !

Only in Britain - extracts from complaint letters
to Housing Departments at Local Councils.


1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.


6. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away
from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster
and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water.
It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road.
Every morning at 6 a.m. his cock wakes me up
and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round
to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times,
but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke
and we can't get BBC 2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and
my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house
and I just can't take it anymore.



Sofa bounce Yahooooo Sofa bounce

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Tue Mar 06 2012, 20:52

Thumbs up! lol! pattygirl.... Thanks

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Tue Mar 06 2012, 23:28

Thanks for all the jokes today. Wink

Has anyone heard about the ballerina and Sumo dancer who got married?

Their honeymoon address was 911.


Last edited by cindigirl on Wed Mar 07 2012, 00:00; edited 1 time in total

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by silly girl on Tue Mar 06 2012, 23:34

Cindi you made me snort....thanks Laughing

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by pattygirl on Tue Mar 06 2012, 23:44

old married couple

The longer you've been married, the funnier this is.

An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth
between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel,
you already know how to fish! "






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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Dexterdidit on Tue Mar 06 2012, 23:56

LOL Love the jokes this morning. It's a great way to start the day.

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 00:02

Good night ...don't be lonely on here Dexter !

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by pattygirl on Wed Mar 07 2012, 00:18

old married couple

The longer you've been married, the funnier this is.

An old married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth
between a fishing channel and a porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel,
you already know how to fish! "






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Re: March general chit chat

Post by melbert on Wed Mar 07 2012, 02:36

snort snort giggle giggle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by theminis on Wed Mar 07 2012, 05:35

Actual conversation with my 4 year old and almost 3 year old -

4 year old - Mummy how did i pop out of your belly?
Mummy - Magic!
4 year old - We all popped out of your tummy?
Mummy - yes, all of you, it was magic
4 year old - puts her eyeball to my bellybutton, has a good look, then yells at the top of her lungs - HELLO!!!!,

At the same time, my almost 3 year old takes his pacifer out of his mouth and tries to stuff it in my belly - button!

Mummy - what are you both doing?

4 year old - Saying hello to all the babies in your belly, Mummy, you must have lots and lots in there!!!!!

(maybe its time to start doing sit-ups again). Sad

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by lucy on Wed Mar 07 2012, 05:53

Children can be painfully honest, it's a good thing they are so cute.

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by theminis on Wed Mar 07 2012, 05:58

You've got that right, honest and they say the funniest things at times, their innocence is a breath of fresh air...

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:32

Elderly Road Trip

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside
to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat
and the credit card."


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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:37

Bill Goes Missing

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month, Sam approached the park and, lo and behold,
there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he asked, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde Waitress
at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam.

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me;
and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pled guilty.
... The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:40

Exercise For People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand
and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks...

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:41

Love your 89 year old rape joke. I guess it's all relative. LOL

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:42

Hey cindi...lovely new avatar ! Coolio

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:44

An Elderly Gentleman

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:46

Selective hearing - at its best!!! LOL

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:51

Senior Moment

The irate customer calling the newspaper office,
loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," said the employee, "Today is Saturday....
The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone,
followed by a ray of recognition....
"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 16:55

Two Smokers

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette,
and continues smoking.

Maude: "What in the hell is that?"
Mabel: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Maude: "Where did you get it?"
Mabel: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Maude: "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Joanna
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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Vi on Wed Mar 07 2012, 17:03

I've decided to try the exercises for people over 50

yep

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 17:11

That's a good girl Vi....Good Luck with that Coolio

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 17:12

The Good Fairy

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh... Immediately she had the vacation tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh... immediately he turned ninety!

Joanna
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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 17:16

Spring Fever

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they'd
had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another
and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.
Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"




Joanna
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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 17:52


A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the
birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell,
and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know
about sex for?"

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready
in a couple of secs..."

Joanna
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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Wed Mar 07 2012, 19:51

Video - Golden Retreiver - Note: Gotta get one of these dogs for my house. LOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VENvmkzetMw

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Re: March general chit chat

Post by Joanna on Wed Mar 07 2012, 19:57

Yours is lovely cindi....this one made me laugh. Nose is best !


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Re: March general chit chat

Post by cindigirl on Wed Mar 07 2012, 20:12

Right Joanna - the nose knows best.

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Re: March general chit chat

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