Spoof script for The Descendants

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THE DESCENDANTS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HAWAII

GEORGE CLOONEY (V.O.)

My wife was in a boating accident. Now she’s in a coma. I was a terrible husband to her and a neglectful father to our two daughters, who I raised to not be spoiled and entitled, but who are in fact the epitome of spoiled and entitled.

(pause)

I am an awful human being.

(pause)

Voice over is such a useful and convenient storytelling tool, isn’t it?

EXPOSITIONARY HAWAIIAN WOMAN

Don’t forget to tell them about how your family owns a huge chunk of virgin Hawaiian land that you are being pressured to sell for half a billion dollars.

GEORGE CLOONEY (V.O.)

Oh yeah, that too. Gosh, what a truly relatable dilemma I have!

EXPOSITIONARY HAWAIIAN WOMAN

I wonder if I’m the only native Hawaiian character in the entire movie to have a speaking role?

SHE IS.

GEORGE takes care of his youngest daughter, AMARA MILLER.

AMARA MILLER

I am young, which means I am adorable and naive.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Uh-oh, if you're the good one that means my other daughter must be...

SHAILENE WOODLEY

(drunk off her ass)

Fuck you dad! I just said "fuck" and there’s not a fucking fuck you can fuck about fuck!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Shailene, I just found out your mother is a vegetable. She will never wake up again. I'm sorry.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Well fuck her and fuck you too you fucking fuck!

GEORGE CLOONEY

You just found out your mother is a living corpse and you’re still going to be an annoying little dickhead to me? And why am I being a total wimp by not slapping the everliving shit out of you for saying "fuck" so many times?

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Mom cheated on you...

GEORGE CLOONEY

That doesn’t sound so bad.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

...with Matthew Lillard.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Oh damn. In that case I will now furrow my eyebrows in a stern manner and widen my eyes to convey my sadness at hearing this awful, awful news.

(does so)

I'm going to be making this same damn facial expression throughout the rest of the movie so you all had damn well better get used to it.

THE CRITICS

My God! We’ve never seen acting better than this ever before in the entire history of acting!

Yes WE HAVE.

SHAILENE continues to say "fuck" every chance she gets because SWEARING and being an ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT are her only character traits, while GEORGE continues to look STERN and WIDE-EYED.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

Hey dad, maybe we should go find Matthew Lillard and kick his fucking fuck.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Good idea! Let’s go!

DIRECTOR ALEXANDER PAYNE

Not so fast! I need to show off all of this beautiful Hawaiian scenery first!

GEORGE and his DAUGHTERS walk around Hawaii.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Okay, let’s go find Matthew Lill--

DIRECTOR ALEXANDER PAYNE

NOT YET!

GEORGE and his DAUGHTERS walk around Hawaii SOME MORE.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Now can we go find Matthew Lillard?

DIRECTOR ALEXANDER PAYNE

SHUT UP AND KEEP WALKING!

GEORGE and his DAUGHTERS run down the soles of their SHOES and their FEET BLEED from all of the goddamn WALKING AROUND they do for nearly a FULL HOUR of screen time.

Then GEORGE randomly jogs past MATTHEW LILLARD.

DIRECTOR ALEXANDER PAYNE

Damn! I wasn’t ready to continue with the plot for at least another four hours! Well I guess it’s too late now, might as well get on with it.

GEORGE stalks MATTHEW and chats up MATTHEW’S WIFE in a totally NOT CREEPY AT ALL way before he finally confronts MATTHEW.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Hey, what the hell is Matthew Lillard doing in a George Clooney movie?

MATTHEW LILLARD

Well what the hell is George Clooney doing in a Matthew Lillard movie?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Touché.

(rolling up sleeves)

You made sex with my wife, Matthew. This has made me very stern and wide-eyed. My only recourse is to beat the shit out of you. Put'em up!

MATTHEW LILLARD

I am truly sorry for the grief I have caused you.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(rolling down sleeves)

Uh... Okay then. I guess that apology is good enough for me. Sorry to have bothered you. See ya!

GEORGE goes HOME. And THAT’S IT. MATTHEW never appears again.

DIRECTOR ALEXANDER PAYNE

This is not anticlimactic in any way at all!

But IT IS.

INT. HOSPITAL, STILL IN HAWAII; HAWAII, ONE OF THE GREATEST VACATION SPOTS IN THE WORLD; HAWAII, THEY FILMED "LOST" HERE.

GEORGE’S WIFE is about to be taken off of LIFE SUPPORT. GEORGE visits her while looking very STERN and WIDE-EYED. His father-in-law ROBERT FORESTER is with him.

ROBERT FORSTER

This entire AFFAIR is all your fault, George! My daughter was such a FAITHFUL wife and mother and you CHEATED her out of a full life!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Actually she...

(with stern wide-eyedness)

You're right, Robert. I will accept your severe tongue lashing and become a true hero by sparing you the devastation of knowing how much of a two-timing extremely sociable lady your daughter was.

SHAILENE WOODLEY

And because of this small sacrifice I will stop being an arrogant dipshit to you for two seconds and defend your honor. This means I have somehow grown as a character even though, deep down, I’m still a bratty mega bitch.

THE CRITICS

Incredible! These characters are so real and true to life!

No THEY AREN'T

THE CRITICS

This is such a moving and poignant drama!

No IT ISN'T.

THE CRITICS

And the acting! Did we mention the acting? Simply BRILLIANT!

Just STOP IT, okay?

Later...

EXT. GEORGE'S EXPENSIVE HAWAII HOUSE; HAWAII, IT'S EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO BE!

GEORGE’s cousin BEAU "I NEVER MET A CHEESEBURGER I DIDN’T LIKE" BRIDGES tries to get GEORGE to sign away the HAWAII LAND that’s worth HALF A BILLION DOLLARS.

GEORGE CLOONEY

(stern and wide-eyed)

BEAU BRIDGES

Oh shit, you look like an Anime cartoon. That means you’re going to pussy out and not sell the land, aren’t you?

GEORGE CLOONEY

(more or less the actual lines)

This land doesn’t belong to us! We may not speak the language and our entire family may just look like a bunch of bloated Americans in Hawaiian shirts, but goddamnit, we’ve got HAWAIIAN BLOOD! 1/16th at most! This land belongs to THE PEOPLE!

(pause)

This is clearly my big "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" moment. Give me my fucking Oscar now please.

BEAU BRIDGES

But earlier in the movie you said we’d only own the land for another seven years!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Then that means I have seven whole years to royally screw my entire family out of becoming half a billion dollars richer.

BEAU BRIDGES

How do you know some of us aren’t counting on that money and might actually need it to survive?

GEORGE CLOONEY

Tough shit.

BEAU BRIDGES

So you’d rather risk some uber rich assholes swooping in and turning the land into their own personal playground in seven years instead of selling it right now to a native Hawaiian? Like we all agreed we would? What exactly is your motivation for changing your mind?

GEORGE CLOONEY

I guess finding out my woman cheated on me with some Jackass turned me into a complete moron.

BEAU BRIDGES

Then the cousins and I will take legal action against you!

GEORGE CLOONEY

Too bad the movie will be over before that happens!

BEAU BRIDGES

(checks the movie’s running time)

Oh shit! You’re right! Damn you Clooney!

EXT. OCEAN OFF THE COAST OF HAWAII; HAWAII, THE ONLY PLACE TO VACATION, ASK YOUR TRAVEL AGENT ABOUT AVAILABLE FLIGHTS; HAWAII, DON’T YOU WISH YOU OWNED A TIMESHARE HERE?

GEORGE and his DAUGHTERS dump GEORGE’S WIFE’S ashes into the ocean. Then they go HOME and eat ice cream while watching "March of the Penguins". MORGAN FREEMAN’s voice is heard briefly.

MORGAN FREEMAN

(cashing royalty check)

Cha-ching!

And then... that’s it. No more movie. Movie over.

AUDIENCE

What? That’s it? But they just walked around for two hours and nothing else really happened! I can't believe this overrated crap has so many rave reviews.

BELIEVE IT.

GEORGE CLOONEY

Best Actor Oscar here I come! Whoo-hoo!

END