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» George Clooney e Amal Alamuddin in Francia, ecco il loro nido
General Chitchat for January 2012 - Page 4 EmptySun 17 Mar 2024, 22:18 by party animal - not!

»  Back in the UK
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» George Clooney makes the effort to show his fans that he appreciates them
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» What Happened?
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» George and Amal in France with new St Bernard puppy
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» George on the Letterman Show
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» George and Amal with a new puppy
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» Amal new book on freedom of speech released
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» George's kids don't know hes famous yet....
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General Chitchat for January 2012

+19
lolo"layla"
blubelle
playfuldeb
zizi
Dexterdidit
sadDonkey
lucy
Tigerina
MyGirlKylie
silly girl
Joanna
cindigirl
Maggy
melbert
Pari
Katiedot
it's me
pattygirl
Cinderella
23 posters

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General Chitchat for January 2012 - Page 4 Empty Re: General Chitchat for January 2012

Post by melbert Thu 12 Jan 2012, 20:15

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers,
'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs,
who agrees with everything I say.'

I WON'T go there!!!!
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Post by Joanna Thu 12 Jan 2012, 20:32

Good girl.
As soon as I read it I did too lol! lol! lol!
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Post by Joanna Fri 13 Jan 2012, 17:59


THE U.S NAVY vs THE BRITS !

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995 between a U.S. Navy ship and the British authorities off the Scottish North coast.

The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95:


BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.


U.S. NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.


BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.


U.S. NAVY: This is the Captain of U.S. Navy Ship, I say again,
divert YOUR course.


BRITISH: Negative, I say again, YOU will have to divert your course.


U.S. NAVY: THIS IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.

DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH,
THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES
WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE
THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.


BRITISH: WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE. !!
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Post by Cinderella Fri 13 Jan 2012, 19:35

melbert wrote:The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers,
'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs,
who agrees with everything I say.'

I WON'T go there!!!!

Melbert, You've been green lined again... lol!
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Post by Cinderella Fri 13 Jan 2012, 19:36

Joanna, I had to green line you on that one... funny!
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Post by pattygirl Fri 13 Jan 2012, 19:58

WHY TEACHERS DRINK!


These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.


Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.





Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.



Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.


(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination?


A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..



Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean section."
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. ( OMG )




Q. What does the word "benign" mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head.
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Post by cindigirl Fri 13 Jan 2012, 20:13

Patty - Thumbs up! on joke

Truly brilliant.
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Post by Joanna Fri 13 Jan 2012, 20:15

Fabulous pattygirl, Yahooooo thanks !
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Post by Guest Fri 13 Jan 2012, 20:25

@Joanna - loved your 'lighthouse' joke. Very Happy

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Post by Joanna Fri 13 Jan 2012, 20:38

Thanks Anxala. I'd love to think it's a true story !
I can just imagine the *%*$*$@*%^$£* going on pointing
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Post by Guest Fri 13 Jan 2012, 20:48

Joanna wrote:Thanks Anxala. I'd love to think it's a true story !
I can just imagine the *%*$*$@*%^$£* going on pointing

Oh I totally believe it's true! Sorry, when I said 'joke', I was referring to the wonderfully wry humour, rather than it being made up!

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Post by Joanna Fri 13 Jan 2012, 21:27

No, no need to say sorry Titanic LOL!

Love these new smilies to play with tumbleweed scaredsilly


Good night
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Post by pattygirl Fri 13 Jan 2012, 22:53







STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?

* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marriage



Q5. What is the main reason for failure?

* exams



Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?

* Lunch & dinner



Q7. What looks like half an apple?

* The other half



Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?

* Wet



Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?

* No problem, he sleeps at night.



Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..



Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?

* Very large hands



Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

* No time at all, the wall is already built.



Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


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Post by it's me Sat 14 Jan 2012, 00:07

guess 100% me too!

(the condominium is phenomenal!)


hey! Yahooooo alleluia!!!

some new food bump
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Post by playfuldeb Sat 14 Jan 2012, 07:04

that person definitely thinks outside the box - good for them. Nice one Pattygirl
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Post by Joanna Sat 14 Jan 2012, 11:50

Good one pattygirl. I'll pass that on thanks.

Wow I've made it to 500 posts blowup
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Post by silly girl Sat 14 Jan 2012, 16:45

From a friend:

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...



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Post by Joanna Sat 14 Jan 2012, 16:49

lol! Superdupercool lol! silly girl
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Post by cindigirl Sat 14 Jan 2012, 16:53

Thanks for the big laugh silly girl. This is my favorite kind of 'subtle' humor. ROFL
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Post by cindigirl Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:19

Wal-mart Wine (if you're from Arkansas)

For all you wine lovers out there, this is noteworthy!!!!

Walmart announced that, sometime in 2012, it will begin offering customers a new discount item ---- Walmart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Walmart brand into their shopping carts, but 'there is a market for inexpensive
wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas .

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brand.. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat.

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Post by Katiedot Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:23

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Oh man, don't we all WISH that was true!

Firstly it would make working at mortgage companies suddenly a whole lot more interesting, and secondly, wouldn't dating be a lot easier? ["Can I buy you a drink" "Do you own your own property?" "I certainly do" "Yes please!"]
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Post by Joanna Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:48

Ah but Katie, they may well own their own property,
but NOT by way of a mortgage.
Then you're in trouble with no endowment to count on !
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Post by melbert Sun 15 Jan 2012, 00:20

These jokes and stories got me to pee my pants, spit coffee and nearly choke to death when I breathed some coffee into my lungs instead of trying to swallow!!!! Thanks Girls!!!! Clean-up at my house in an hour!
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Post by pattygirl Sun 15 Jan 2012, 00:43

mel, I told you not to eat or drink while accessing COH. You know this always happens to you. Sorry, I'll be late for cleanup. As you can see by time of post, won't be there until 10 or 11. (That is, if you give me directions for my GPS). Mopping up the mess
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Post by melbert Sun 15 Jan 2012, 03:19

Sorry PattyGirl - I forgot!!! You know I have CRS majorly!!

I had the directions in a very funny video, but I lost it, so I guess you can stay home this time. When I find it again, I'll send it to you...

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Post by Joanna Sun 15 Jan 2012, 12:36

No Comments from me !!! oopsie

http://www.motifake.com/honesty-facts-of-life-talk-demotivational-posters-145365.html
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Post by Joanna Sun 15 Jan 2012, 12:57

Who's going to tell Stan about this ????

http://www.digmydog.org/doomed-polarbear-husky-looney-tunes-dogs-1798.html
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Post by silly girl Sun 15 Jan 2012, 14:56

I have learned so much from this forum....started saying CRS a lot....I wrote something in an email to a friend and mentioned my CRS and she wrote that she couldn't figure out what I meant ----when I told her she got hysterical and asked to steal the expression. Thanks for the laughs!

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Post by Joanna Sun 15 Jan 2012, 15:18

melbert wrote:Sorry PattyGirl - I forgot!!! You know I have CRS majorly!!

I had the directions in a very funny video, but I lost it, so I guess you can stay home this time. When I find it again, I'll send it to you...


Me want too mel, me want too !!!!! lol!
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Post by Joanna Sun 15 Jan 2012, 15:19

Yes silly girl I use that too now.

As you say, so much to learn and so little time !

We're all crazy here Love3
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Post by cindigirl Sun 15 Jan 2012, 15:57

Let all wives be put on notice:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."







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Post by cindigirl Sun 15 Jan 2012, 16:18

Hope I don't bore you ladies with these jokes - this one I thought was too funny to pass up.

Forget the shrinks, have a drink and talk to a bartender:

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

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Post by it's me Sun 15 Jan 2012, 16:33

LOL!

thanks!!!
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Post by Joanna Sun 15 Jan 2012, 19:35

headbang Good one cindi scaredsilly
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Post by blubelle Sun 15 Jan 2012, 22:27

Um - I'm so bad I forgot what CRS means. Not joking either I dunno
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Post by melbert Sun 15 Jan 2012, 23:21

Can't Remember Shit!!!
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Post by blubelle Mon 16 Jan 2012, 16:08

Thanks I love you
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Post by cindigirl Mon 16 Jan 2012, 18:42

4 Worms in church
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol...Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service!


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Post by Joanna Mon 16 Jan 2012, 19:42

lol! good one cindi
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Post by Maggy Mon 16 Jan 2012, 19:51

lol!
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Post by it's me Mon 16 Jan 2012, 21:08

LOL!!!

Mel, sempre sul pezzo, vedo!
great choice, your pic Very Happy
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General Chitchat for January 2012 - Page 4 Empty Re: General Chitchat for January 2012

Post by melbert Mon 16 Jan 2012, 23:33

Grazie mille. Così orgogliosa di lui.
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Post by cindigirl Mon 16 Jan 2012, 23:36

I'm proud of him too Mel.
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Post by it's me Mon 16 Jan 2012, 23:36

This big me too!

next step
Oscars?
it's me
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Post by Cinderella Tue 17 Jan 2012, 03:21

Okay... I just want to say... some things on this forum make me want to lol! ... Too funny!!!
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Post by lolo"layla" Tue 17 Jan 2012, 05:35

this is so so so sad
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2087209/Louisiana-toddler-Tripp-Roth-suffered-EB-dies-mothers-arms.html

it tore my heart


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Post by Joanna Tue 17 Jan 2012, 10:21

it's me wrote: This big me too!

next step
Oscars?



NO I M

The BAFTAS on 12 February in London !
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Post by Joanna Tue 17 Jan 2012, 10:26

lolo wrote:this is so so so sad
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2087209/Louisiana-toddler-Tripp-Roth-suffered-EB-dies-mothers-arms.html

it tore my heart



Mine too lolo. Poor little child having all that in his little life. Brave Mom.
She must be feeling so sad now.
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Post by Dexterdidit Tue 17 Jan 2012, 10:51

Love the jokes especially the lighthouse, emu, what teens think (oh God that is so scary but is so true) and pretty much all gave me a laugh.

So sad about the little boy, she would be sad but also a little relieved that he is no longer in such pain. Cause it was an awful thing for anyone to have.
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Post by Joanna Tue 17 Jan 2012, 12:31

Yes I agree Dexter, but her life being devoted to him will leave such a big hole now, as well as the relief for her baby. She will have a lot of emotions to go through.

It puts everything on this forum into perspective doesn't it ?
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